On the search to seeking Gods will

 At this rate it looks like this blog is dead in the water from its glory days and maybe it is. Who knows? The truth is I think about it all the time and I have so much to tell you but actually getting to sit down in front of a computer is a different ballgame. I love this little therapy session and it gives my soul warm fuzzies to have a place to unwind my brain and heart in what started out in a safe place. I have watched the success' and demises of platforms and social media and as much as I love cooking with you and sharing real estate blogs with you the world is so cruel. I strived to work this life with you with rawness and vulnerability but the truth is the world just eats me alive and it doesn't stop with me it goes to my children and now grandchildren. Yes, I have a grandbaby we haven't talked about can you believe the time that has passed since we started this with my babies? Where does time go? My heart is still with saving the world and somehow I've been stu...

 Monday I had a post planned on how great it felt to have sunshine in February and after watching JLOs new documentary how normal I felt to feel like everything is going to fall apart and everyone is watching. It was a raw look at my life through her eyes and it just felt so real that someone with her talent and creative skills has the thoughts I do everyday about my work, life and family. In the end we just want to be a good parent and have amazing children that weve given everything weve got and sometimes more to. I felt so normal and begin wondering if there is really such a thing as bi polar or depression or if were just adjusting to different life steps in our journey. Maybe everyone goes through the same thoughts and feelings but perhaps handles them differently. Maybe I don't have mental issues and I just needed reassurance or a different outlook. A few tears were shed and I called it a night. By Tuesday I was ok, felt heavy and my head was foggy but nothing was wrong, I was...

 Here we are... Happy New Year!! So, what are your resolutions and goals for 2024? Ill tell you mine... none. Ive been wondering what is wrong with me so I googled "What does it mean if you have no goals or dreams" Diagnosis...lacking motivation and unambitious. Interesting. I get up every day and work 12-16 hours a day usually 7 days a week to keep things going yet I have lack of motivation and unambitious. Hmmm. Another diagnosis was lack of purpose, ok I might get on board with that one. I have been asking God my whole life what my purpose is and why am I here. I have felt the answer a few times and things seem to explode while I was doing it. So, that cant be right. I get doors close and and another one opens but how many have to shut before you figure out what your supposed to do with your life? Whats the purpose in finding it right before your life ends...why cant we spend our whole lives doing our purpose our mission before final resting and the words "good job my...

 Here we are again...another year has passed and Im in my normal buhumbug Christmas attitude with declining spirit as the years go by. Its really my same gripe and complaint every year of the expectation and greed that has taken over the idea of a gift. I dont mean to bring others down with me, but it seems my husband is losing his spirit as well. Our house has been known for its lights and light show but this year no lights, no decorations and its the 18th of December. My kids are grown.. well I say that, but really the baby has been jipped. Hes 16 so never here, but we always did the Christmas stuff because we had kids to make it special for. Everyone around us thinks we have it all together...does facebook do that to people? I feel like Ive always been raw and real which is not always to my advantage when your bi polar like me things just come out. The truth is, I just dont have any Christmas in me anymore. I see everyone else getting together and making cookies and candies, vis...

So I have a disheartning confession...Im a plant killer (boo). My mother calls me PK (not joking). Its super frustrating to be so passionate about something and be so bad at it. Every year I spend hundreds of dollars on plants, seeds, soil only to kill everything within months sometimes weeks. I research, I plan, I study and nothing. I can buy garden vegetable plants from the store and keep the plants alive but cant get them produce. Ive tried indoor gardening with lights, container gardening, in ground gardening and raised bed gardening with all the same results. I feel like I have even blogged all this trauma before now that I think about it because it s yearly disappointment. I can grow seeds into pods and give them away because I have so many then kill the plants I keep. What gives? I will tell you about 15 years ago I lived on a farm and had the most amazing garden EVER!! I also had the most amazing father in law that tended to it everyday. I had fruit trees and a blackberry garde...

 I came across Hillsong music around 1997. I was 17 , just lost my grandfather the most precious person to me and with my heart full of "why Gods", there is just something about Hillsong music that brings me to my knees. This music has been with me through the hardest moments in my life ever since. I had no idea it was a church or school until recently. I have every CD (for those that know what that is haha) and they have been played over and over that Ive had to rebuy them. Now I have Hillsong music on pandora so it plays through my car. I can scream it at the top of my lungs on a good day or say nothing at all on a bad day. Last week I accidently stumbled across the documentary so I watched it. I learned alot. I had no idea any of that had gone on to be honest. I didnt know what to think or say so I took a couple days to process. I have said this before in past post about putting people in the church on pedestals. Yes, I have also been hurt on more than one occasion from mu...

 I wish I can just say Russia is on the other side of the world and its none of my business what they are doing and go on with my perfect little life but somehow Ive grow up and matured a little and Im scared to death. There are days Im ready to build and fully stock a bunker and looking up survival tactics for a nuclear attack, other days Im convinced it will blow over and other days I think is this the end? Why fight for a life that we would be left with or a life without possibly my children depending where were at when the world breaks out into nuclear war. How would you breathe, drink, eat if no electric or sunshine or chemicals filling the air and burning all life outside. no electric, no banking, no automobiles working because they are powered by electronics. Does paper money have value if you even have it because a banking electronic system wipes out everything in the bank. What about medicines and drs, we are basically back to stone age in a time that people have no respec...

      Another year.... here we go with another eyeroll as deep as it gets. Im at my yearly holiday bahhumbug. Is it normal to cry during holidays? Is it normal to just crawl in a ball and stay in bed. I feel like Im giving up but maybe just exhausted. My feelings have not changed from my previous holiday post, I still cant comprehend the hustle and bustle of the holidays. I cant do the entitlement and selfishness of "me, me, me" and what everyone is going to get while I spend the next 6 months plus paying for it, Its damaging and my mental health suffers. Im not supposed to be shopping and cooking alone to prepare for a family holiday. Where did I go wrong that everyone is scattered until its time to eat and by then the day is over. I have almost all adult children now is this just something I have to get used to? When you see other families gathering and cooking together and doing all the Christmas traditions together and Im standing alone in the kitchen crying tryi...

 Im exhausted, Im worn out...I just cant people. I cant even answer or look at my phone its always someone that has an issue, someone that needs something, some decision to be made. Im over it. Why is it so hard for other people to make plans, organize and decide? Why is it always me? Why is it assumed I will handle it all? Wouldnt it be nice for once....just once for someone else to make a plan, to decide, to organize, to pay...Im exhausted. Why am I always accused of being the bad guy and the control freak because no one else will do it so then I make things work and apparently Im the devil. I literally work 7 days a week, 12-14 hour days for everyone to be miserable and unhappy. What gives? If Im busy, Im, rude. If Im non tolerant of drama, Im cold. If Im having fun, Im lazy, If Im happy I must be up to something. If I dress up, Im cheating. If Im hyper then Im too much. If Im quiet apparently something is wrong....I just cant people. I just want to runaway by myself. Why do peo...

 My God is stronger... he will not let me go. I spent the first part of the pandemic in defense mode and the last few months feeling helpless and confined. Ive had pity parties that mission trips around the world and travel has been cancelled. It has taken me months to realize that people arent cancelled. It might be a pandemic and it might have been a political election year but we are still people. People that need the word of God and hope perhaps more than ever. We are people that need food, medical care, and peace. We are people that need each other, people that need understanding and compassion. People that are hurt and lost. We are people that are homeless and kids that need parents. While events, traditions, entertainment and some freedoms have been put on hold...Humanity and love are not cancelled. Life is not cancelled. When did we decide staying in our homes safe was worth challenging what our purpose and mission of life is? To love and to serve others, to love our neighb...

For everyone who has been around in my circle for any length of time, you know the holidays are just not my thing. Im usually off in another part of the country or sometimes even in another country....don't worry, my kids have a great family full of all the classic traditions. My husband has always wanted to host Thanksgiving with everyone home and so this year for whatever reason, I did it. Full of mixed feelings and emotions, Thanksgiving came and went. It was amazing having Thanksgiving with my children, they are so grown up. I am happy that we can enjoy a drama free day and all enjoy each others company and stories. The mess is just a mess and can be cleaned up anytime but the memories will last forever. I miss the peace that comes with new surroundings by traveling, but the emptiness and loneliness I usually feel wasn't a feeling this year. I had the warm fuzzy on a holiday. #winning. Its the time of year of reflection which in the past has turned into regret, depression,...

I cant believe its been three years since Ive taken the time to unwind my crazy mind. So much has happened, most Im not proud of but hey...its life. My mind, ok fine...my heart has been turning lately. Where has my joy gone? Why do I find myself fearful of being me? Where did I go? Who am I? How did I get here? How do you go from feeling like your on top of the world to the lowest pit of just getting by? Fake it till you make sounds really good right now, but it bothers me as to why I feel that I have to fake it? Why cant I just be me? Its hard to feel like yourself when everyone is questioning your every move, it really just makes you shut down as if you cant do anything right and you cant make anyone happy, but then I go through the questions of why I feel like I need to make anyone happy....not my job. Why do we care so much about what others think? I feel like at one time I did a pretty great job of opening up and being candid with everyone only to hear people thought I was perf...

I started a facebook post tonight, but thought I would get a ton of misinterpretations if I posted it and a call from my mother, perhaps maybe even the suicide hotline.... so I decided to write out the thoughts surrounding it hoping to ease my mothers mind a bit. "There just has to be a better way to do life than the hard way I've chosen....this just cant be it. Exhausted on every level. I'm throwing away my cape as my super hero powers have left me. I am weak. The last piece of sequence and glitter has fallen off my costume. I have no shine and no sparkle left anymore. I find myself once again cold and hard. Is this death or am I just headed that way?" I will not say that I haven't thought about driving off a bridge a few times, but no need to call the ward yet. Although I am still physically breathing...my mental, emotional and spiritual life have died or very close to it. Out of my Christ following five whole years, the last two have been the absolute harde...

Its been five months since I've written last, I've started so many but just didn't have words of encouragement or even hope for that matter. My work life has been such a whirlwind, my love life haha...what a joke and my family life has been hard. I've never been unmarried long enough to see the long lasting effects of divorce on my own children until this year. Its been a little over two and a half years since I moved out of the farm and not a day goes by that I don't grieve what I have done to my kids. I've spent so much time looking for my purpose and where I belonged in the kingdom of God that I didn't take the responsibility of my kids as my purpose. I spent too much time looking outside of my home life for my missional purpose completely obliterated by the fact it could have been wife and mom in the home I already had. It has come to my awareness through this fast (yes, its that time of year again) and the dangerous prayer of "search my heart oh ...

Day 4- Im in LOVE with the food and my team (Have I mentioned that?). Its Sunday...church day. A day of traditions, families and rest. Although my migraine wont let up, it was overcast today so I got to enjoy the day a little better. Every other country service I have been to is outdoors or open building with no a/c, packed tightly and last FOREVER!!! BUT- The spirit moves, people are full of joy and the music is incredible. Its the most surreal surrounding as your surrounded by people you don't know and cant understand yet see God so clearly. Its one of the most beautiful things I have ever experienced in my life and when Im stressed to the max daily, I can close my eyes and hear the music and see the people, sounds and even smells of the church services around the world and it brings me to a place of quiet and sense of Godly peace. Taking deep breaths and embracing it can bring me to a place of serenity in any trial or storm. "All athletes are disciplined in their training...

  I  waited to post from my trip to make sure I wasn't writing out of raw emotion as I have done before. I instead wrote in my journal and planned to share what I wrote when I was settled back in "my life routine" Here is my experience on the plane headed to Belize and rest of the week... Timehop three years ago popped up on day one of my trip and this is what I posted, "We focus on what were doing and where we are going, but Gods primary concern is who we are becoming in the process" from the book "The Circle Maker" Day 1- The last two years I have put my focus on the job. Getting everything done, doing whatever it takes to make things happen. I have completely taken my eyes of God and fulfilling any of his purposes for me. It was never intentional rather a feeling of survival mode to support my kids. I feel like time has stood still since leaving my hectic life behind, getting on this plane and finding myself feeling very alone wondering if the b...

Ive thought about love a lot lately. When I first became newly single about a year and a half ago, I tried the dating scene. I should have taken that precious time to get myself together, but the thought of being alone literally paralyzed me. A trusted mentor of mine told me to make a list of the qualities and characteristics I was looking for in a potential partner. I blew it off...just being honest. I feel like placing expectations on someone of meeting the list qualifications or else just doesn't sit right. People change, people make mistakes but, I have since then found myself in confusion and compromising situations because Ive tried to justify each situation and mold it into what I think it could be or should be rather than what it actually is. There have been many times I have recapped our conversation and the thought of making the list has resurfaced. Im ready to write "The List". - Above all he must love God with everything he is and will be. The fear of the Lo...