I waited to post from my trip to make sure I wasn't writing out of raw emotion as I have done before. I instead wrote in my journal and planned to share what I wrote when I was settled back in "my life routine" Here is my experience on the plane headed to Belize and rest of the week...
Timehop three years ago popped up on day one of my trip and this is what I posted, "We focus on what were doing and where we are going, but Gods primary concern is who we are becoming in the process" from the book "The Circle Maker"
Day 1- The last two years I have put my focus on the job. Getting everything done, doing whatever it takes to make things happen. I have completely taken my eyes of God and fulfilling any of his purposes for me. It was never intentional rather a feeling of survival mode to support my kids. I feel like time has stood still since leaving my hectic life behind, getting on this plane and finding myself feeling very alone wondering if the busyness of work and schedule is actually survivor mode or a distraction that I keep myself in so that I don't have to deal with my failures of marriages, kids, friendships and business'. If I just stay busy then I don't have to be or feel alone and that deep yearning for relationship. The wonderful power of the holy spirit always meets me where I am no matter how busy I seem like Mary and Martha when Jesus came into their home or how lost of a sheep I am or how much of the prodigal son/daughter I have been. God is a patient overseer who always waits for me with wide open arms and a robe. I know relationships are not supposed to be one sided and/or a need for God when I need or want him. He is not a genie on command yet, I treat him that way sometimes. I knew stepping out of my comfort zone and coming on another mission trip would have me tormented inside, not because God torments...he doesn't (Satan does) but there is conviction in my heart because I know him, I also know right from wrong. I know who God is just not of him so the relationship is on a personal higher level but then there is my rebellious, stubborn self. I am honored that I am able to hear the spirit daily, but the truth is I don't give God enough time for us to have the relationship we should. I know this trip will come with challenges and trials and as of midnight last night, I wasn't sure if Id get on the plane and hadn't even packed. I looked at the upcoming itinerary first laughing then angry at God that the construction trip I signed up for had no construction in it rather canvassing, street ministry and children ministry as in VBS. Im not sure how many of you reading this now have followed my journey but those words are all a BIG NO! My heart sunk in disappointment and fear then comforted with only the peace Jesus brings as he reminded me that this isn't about me (AGAIN) Geesh! When is my turn? ( kidding). I know my normal life can survive without me but without burying myself in busyness and chaos for 7 days with pure God as excited as I should be...Im just not. I know hes going to work in me and through me challenging, teaching, molding and readjusting and Im not sure I can do it without completely falling apart from just simply standing still and working through things instead of burying and hiding. The great thing about falling apart at the hands and feet of Jesus is that he can put me back together again and heal the death in me. My prayer for this trip is that my brain quiets, my heart opens, my hands and feet serve and my senses are aware of God not just for these 7 days but forever. I have made so many mistakes. I know I need to not only heal but forgive myself so that I can be open to what God has planned for me for his kingdom, not mine. My prayer this trip is that Im open to the new people I will be with, and take in what God is trying to teach me. I am on this plane asking for God to use me as he will. I am asking for guidance and protection, willingness and openness, love, forgiveness, grace and mercy.
Day 2- Our host pastor had to leave last night because he had to go to the hospital as his brother had been in a car accident. The passenger died (who happened to be his brother in law) and the pastors brother had fractured ribs, bruises and bumps with an unimaginable pain in his heart. They had lost control of the car and hit a light pole so our host pastor was there till about 1:30am and told us the story at breakfast. With tears in my eyes of what he and his family had just experienced, the brother and his wife pulled up on their way to follow up dr for prayer. The newly widowed wife was with them (the sister) and it just made me so very sad. Every emotion to what she went through, what shes about to and her future journey. Why God why? This family is here serving you, taking a stand against culture and changing a nation and this happens in their family, yet he shows up at breakfast to entertain us. So selfless. Then Im questioning what Im doing for the kingdom, then feeling sorry for myself that Im alone and this lady just lost her husband. I don't have that kind of love, but then again...do I want it? I don't want to go through that kind of loss, or maybe that's what Im missing in life? Ughhhhh.... If that wasn't enough of a breakfast welcome, their dog was struck by a truck literally just feet from us. Yes, were all out on a patio type outside café eating and drinking coffee, taking in the events of the family and yup we heard it all....voooooomp! OMG! I think I need to go back to bed this day is just not off to a start that I want to start.
"The purpose of life is a life of purpose" Robert Byrne
Of course, the day got worse (for me). The itinerary changed...(scary music playing in my mind). This was planned to be a construction trip and in the seven days a house was stained and a kitchen painted the rest was brace yourself.....outreach canvassing and evangelism (FIREWORKS)! If any of you have followed my journey the last few years you would know in Heather terms: HELL just froze over!!!! Tears and fear just paralyzed me. An introvert forced to extrovert (shoot me now). My mind traumatizes me when it comes to outreach. I cant help but question what kind of Christian I am that cant open my mouth and share the word of God. To share the message of Christ and his love. How he has saved me (too many times to count) and his grace. I love to give and share with my hands and feet, but my mouth is paralyzed. God has pieced me together so many times and I have no words to say? This has to be my last missions trip. I love different cultures and people and experiences and Ive even eaten the food (stop laughing! I really have even seconds and thirds). I have fallen in love with my new team and treasure the new relationships I have made, but if I cant share the message what am I doing? Why am I here? The night before the trip I was not coming, five hours later I was on a flight and today I feel like Ive made a huge mistake and I really want to go home. Tonights church service message was miracles and how God will grant your hearts desires when you follow him in obedience. I don't have any hearts desires. I don't have any goals or dreams. What the heck is wrong with me?God must be disappointed with me. I have all the potential in the world yet don't know what to do with it. I must be the most lost person in the world...what a waste.
Day 3- We prepare for VBS (yup, that happened). I have never been so sick on a trip...Belize in the summer is not a good fit for me. I feel like Ive been punched in the face and have a hole in my heart. I got to be the Jonah and the whale in the puppet show (stop laughing) and worked the coloring station (stop laughing). I loved watching the kids color and it brought my mind to fostering kids (again). This team that Im working with is amazing and I love getting to know them. I have not felt so lost in my faith in a long time. Living one way and knowing another is eating me alive. Wanting to be all I can sold out to Christ then going home and living in pure chaos. The struggle is real. I do everything I can to stay busy to avoid people and relationships and I have seven days with a new group with no distraction or chaos. Its like heart camp haha. I have also never felt so alone as I watched the different dynamics and relationships and heard stories of their spouses, families and friends back home. The newly widowed woman from yesterday and the newly widowed woman in my group who hold their loves so dear to their hearts and I wonder why I don't have it. Why cant I keep anyone happy to have that kind of love...whats wrong with me? Why cant someone be faithful to me? What am I missing? Im just so empty inside and sad. I know a man wont fill the void that God does because Ive been there before also and God filled me so completely up. I had joy, peace and love and beamed from ear to ear daily...I miss it! Where is my fire? I need it back....
"Real joy comes not from ease or riches or from the praise of men, but from doing something worthwhile" Sir Wilfred Grenfell
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