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Life Happens

 At this rate it looks like this blog is dead in the water from its glory days and maybe it is. Who knows? The truth is I think about it all the time and I have so much to tell you but actually getting to sit down in front of a computer is a different ballgame. I love this little therapy session and it gives my soul warm fuzzies to have a place to unwind my brain and heart in what started out in a safe place. I have watched the success' and demises of platforms and social media and as much as I love cooking with you and sharing real estate blogs with you the world is so cruel. I strived to work this life with you with rawness and vulnerability but the truth is the world just eats me alive and it doesn't stop with me it goes to my children and now grandchildren. Yes, I have a grandbaby we haven't talked about can you believe the time that has passed since we started this with my babies? Where does time go? My heart is still with saving the world and somehow I've been stuck in between what does God want me to do and how do I make it happen? I might have my heart in the right place, but all of you who have been with me the last 13 years know my head just messes everything up. I never expected to only write once a year and still have daily views, its pretty inspiring. I'm a little slow on the technology side but 150 percent hands on. I miss you. My heart misses you. My soul misses you. I need you. 

I cant explain what its like to be so blessed, so grateful and thankful for the opportunities I have been entrusted with and still be so alone. I feel like my body is on auto pilot but decaying and my insides are spinning out of control. To work 12-16 hours a day seven days a week and staying in a state of behind all the time is truly just exhausting. I know I have wins, but I'm buried in losses that just pile on top covering up my light that I once had. Its hard to know that people dream to be where I am and but no idea what's its taken to get here and how close to mental and emotional death I feel. The warning signals have been going off for about 2 years and I haven't had time to acknowledge them. I have been here before. I know what happens to the body when you ignore the signals and yet here I am walking the plank. Something has to change but what? I know decisions and sacrifices have to be made for real change to be made. Actions need to be taken but what, how, when? Its a blur. Theres a fire inside me that is barely flickering at this point. I miss the flame. I miss the warmth it provided. I do not enjoy being this cold and dead internally. 

The last time I felt this way big changes were made in my life and I find myself questioning all the same things. I'm upset with myself for letting myself get here again. Didn't I learn anything from before? Am I a habit? Am I a pattern? Am I stupid? Why am I here again? Really... I'm angry, I'm hurt, I'm exhausted, I'm confused, I'm empty. Where do we go from here? I've started with my health. 2 years ago I was at my highest weight. I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't happy, I physically was inflamed and sick all the time. I started the not getting out of bed. I completely let myself go physically. I was sloppy and I felt it. My stomach was tore up from the amount of Excedrin and ibuprofen I was taking, several hospital trips. Alot of migraines. I've been here before. Its depression then guilty I didn't have anything to be depressed about. I set out to find the causes of cancer and health to be proactive for toxins and poisons I was putting in my body. I started Pilates, barre, yoga to heal from the inside out and clear my mind. I've lost 42 pounds. My strength increased, my definition changed, my energy changed. No hospital visits, no sick days, minimal bed days. I love fresh air. I've turned on the music, I have allowed myself to create without taking it out on every project. Its a great turnaround for deciding I didn't want to live that anymore....but my soul (real tears). 

God will never leave you but God where are you? I cry, I seek, I ask, I repent, I talk, I listen, I pray....use me God. I worship but where do I serve? What is my gift I'm supposed to have to use? Where do you want me? What can I do? Show me God and let me be open to receive. Over and over and over. Why do I feel nothing, why do I see nothing, why do I hear nothing? I try to plug in and get denied or ignored. What is my purpose in this life? Where is my place God? Fill me Lord. My flame is dying. I need you. Please don't let me die this internal death again.

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