On the search to seeking Gods will

Have you been burned by your church? Join the club....this is a tricky and sensitive topic to those who have, but I want to share what Ive learned and hopefully shed new light to someone else. My mom took me from church off and on my whole life, bounced around churches. When I moved back to Oklahoma in 6th grade to live with my dad, there was a church next door. My dad isnt into the church, but my grandparents started attending about that time. I learned that they were going on a trip to Nationals in another state for a week in the summer and all I had to do was a poem, song, skit...some type of art. They provided the fundraising and I just had to attend events and help to raise the money to go. ANYTHING to get away from home, I was on board sooooo I went everytime the doors were open (sometimes they were still locked). I became apart of the youth, I wasnt liked much but I had a guarded cold heart and attitude of distrust and held in years of emotional pain. The more involved I became,

Money makes the world go round so I thought! I grew up on completely two different sides of financial status' so when I say that I'm a "calokie" (crossbreed between Oklahoma and California), you will learn to understand how I really did have two very different lives. My parents were divorced when I was 4 years old and my mom moved us to California. A young, single mom of two that worked hard to provide for us. We were the first ones at daycare and the last ones picked up. My grandma helped out some, but really my mom did it all herself. We lived in an apartment in a not so favorable part of town but we made it. I remember going to canned food outlet for our groceries and the laundry mat on Saturday's to do our wash. We didn't go out alot or do much but our needs were provided for and we were content. I remember how excited my mom would get when she got that golden envelope in the mail once a year and we would do some shopping :) My Oklahoma family (dads side)

Of all the "Christian" men I have dated (what a joke) and all the guys I grew up with, thay all seem to always pull out the woman submission line....from my perspective as a control freak and self sufficient woman, I always thought that would never happen. What a joke to follow some man who cant even support or take care of himself much less kids, finances, household chores, career and so on. If they make dumb decisions often and Im having to run the show to get things accomplished, exactly how am I supposed to submit? My thinking changed after 30 and after divorce to not that I would never submit to a man, but I would if it was someone I could respect and I felt I could let go of control to and know that things would be taken care of and realized part of that is trust and vulnerability. I began thinking about my past two marriages, the first was controlling and abusive in every way so I was scared into submission which resulted into I will never do that again and went comple