On the search to seeking Gods will

I'm excited more and more about learning the differences between religion and relationship. I know I've talked about it before, but with actually embracing it a bondage is broken and joy is restored. I have mentioned many times before where I felt the church and/or Christian people had let me down and crushed my spirits. I put church leaders on pedestals as if they were the untouchables and really honestly idols. I wanted to be them, and watched what I said acting in my best behavior because if I was myself then they would know I don't belong. That was a lie from devil himself! We are wanted and loved. We are children of God and although for some of us who were abused in any way growing up we felt we were a burden to our parents and thought they regretted having us because we're always in the way or causing a problem. We put on our best behavior trying to make them happy to gain approval and yet were left feeling unworthy, so we behave with different personalities tryin

I started this blog a year ago even titling it "on the search to seeking Gods will", what I have since learned from scripture is that it is not Gods will or favor I should be seeking, but God himself. The word says, "we will find him when we seek him with all our hearts". Through devotion, services and books I thought I was seeking God, but as I reflect I think even though I was growing and learning, I was not actively pursuing God, but trying to find his favor and fulfill his will. Of course, not intentionally but immaturely. I have been trying to figure out how I could actively seek God without looking for favor or will, I have to be honest Im struggling. I know that to do that I must read his word and that alone is a challenge. I know God speaks to me in quiet times usually in the morning waking up and through the books I read, but I have to say reading books is learning from other people and their perspectives which is uplifting, however its not Gods word straig