On the search to seeking Gods will

Those that know me, know that I LOVE pageants. I love the competition, love to be girly and get dressed up and love to meet other woman from across our state. I started competing in 1995 in the miss teen California pageant only to compete with three hundred other girls. I loved every minute of it! Shortly after I started modeling and fell in love with the industry and all that went with it. I competed again in high school hoping for scholarship money, but after the pageant my life took me a different direction and I was married with a baby at 19. I thought my chances were over and to be Miss America and they were...but, years later I found a new pageant for married woman and the title of Mrs America and it was on. The first year, I had so much fun getting to know the girls and just being myself. It was a great pageant system and I really wanted to just do well. I was just a runner up, but was determined to come back the following year and win! I spent the entire year with coaches and a

"Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies. Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. She finds wool and falx and busily spins it. She is like a merchants ship, bringing her food from afar. she gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household and plan the day's work for her servant girls. She goes to inspect a field and buys it; with her earnings she plants a vineyard. She is energetic and strong, a hard worker. She makes sure her dealings are profitable; her lamp burns late into the night. Her hands are busy spinning thread, her fingers twisting fiber. She extends a helping hand to the poor and opens her arms to the needy. She has no fear of winter for her household, for everyone has warm clothes. She makes her own bedspreads. She dresses in fine linen and purple gowns. Her husband is well known at the city gates, where he sits with the other civic leader

When your car needs an adjustment, you take it in. When your attitude needs an adjustment, you fight it and everyone else making things their problem instead of yours. I have had a MAJOR attitude problem for the last 17 years. I was so cold, closed off and emotionally shut down that whomever didnt like the way I was or what I said could go fly a kite! Not joking and for those of you that know me are either saying "amen", or still in shock that Im even admitting it because thats just "not me". But the good thing about grace and a renewed heart is that in process and time, the heart can change and when the heart changes sometimes the mind does also. As I mentioned before in a blog about sex,  as a sexual abused person, long term effects for relationships and coping turns into manipulation and controlling. Completely unaware of even considering myself a sexual abuse victim, I started putting together the dots and connecting lines, that I followed the same behavior patt