On the search to seeking Gods will

I LOVE January fast, so many amazing things happen inside and out. 4th fast, 2nd day and while my life seems to be in utmost chaos....I have the most amazing peace. In between jobs, in between relationships, re learning how to single parent three growing boys, re firing my soul and yet I feel like Im on a hamster wheel just getting by with my mind just racing but my heart just still. I hear Gods whisper "Be still and know that I am God" over, and over and over I hear this throughout the day and it fills me with peace and comfort. Every time I kick in the how, what ifs, why I hear it shhhhhhhhhh....be still and know that I am God. "You don't need to plan, plot, wonder, question or think.....just BE STILL" is what I heard this morning. I had the most liberating discovery about myself today as I ask why am I here in this place again, it so vividly hit me in the forehead that I have commitment issues. I have built so many protective barriers stemming from childhood

I failed God...again, so there it is! I haven't written in a while and when I did, I felt I had to hide what was truly on my heart to protect those involved and to get myself together. Then hit the holidays and every hurt just magnified. Today is what is supposed to be my two year wedding anniversary and yesterday I filed for divorce. Nothing happened, there is no juicy story for me to tell, it just wasn't meant to be and probably shouldn't have happened in the first place. Ive struggled partially because I don't want people who have followed my journey the last year and a half to think Im some fake person living in a fake world or Im a wanna be Christian woman, wife and mother because my posts then were all about how to refire marriage and how we chose our outcomes and how much obedience we should have and Gods design for marriage. Heres the deal...just because I wasn't successful doesn't mean I changed my views, opinions, values or beliefs. I do very much