On the search to seeking Gods will

As I'm preparing to leave for Africa in a week, I'm closing out basically my life. All the business' I run will come to a close out phase to where I can stop and start the bills, money, move ins and outs, while someone else maintains while I'm gone. I have mentioned this before in my blog, but before every trip I close out myself as well. Yes, realistically I could die today or before a week when I leave, however putting myself "out there" makes my chances a little higher. These trips are not the safest and that's why many people don't go, but as I've grown radical in Christ, I don't want to live safe and comfortable because that's not what God has placed us here for or called us to do, particularly me. I've always been known for being "hard" and unemotional, but I've grown up in a military family and that's just how I am. It's not that I don't feel, I just don't express a lot of it. I really feel that this

I read something the other day that said something to the effect that you need a little bit of jealousy in your relationship so that your spouse knows they are special or non replaceable to you and to a certain extent I thought good point, but as I went along my way something inside me just kept going on the thought. I have major issues with jealousy and I never did before. I really think mine stem for non trust issues and I believe that is the case with most relationships. I was never jealous before because I felt I couldnt be replaced, but when my husband cheated on me and when I was divorced, the next girl stepped in and I was gone (kinda, but thats another story). Once I learned I could be replaced, I worked harder at the relationship....why did it take my husband with another woman to make me work harder on the relationship I am still trying to analyze. But now if my husband is texting across the room I become jealous and if he comments or even likes a facebook post of a female, I