On the search to seeking Gods will

Forgiveness is a very had thing to do, its easy to say sometimes, but our emotions and feelings have a harder time really forgiving. I always went by the philosophy that if you screwed me once you were done. At some point I realized people make mistakes and I decided to give second chances conditionally (depending who you were and your offense to me). My life was full of let downs and disappointments and that led to the coldness and hardness as I sheltered myself from getting hurt repeatedly. I avoided people and relationships other than my spouse (and sometimes even him). I think I cried maybe 5 times in ten years of our relationship and usually related to health pain with my migraines and stoamch issues. When I first found out my husband cheated on me I was relieved that I had a reason to get divorced (Oh believe me, I know how horrible that sounds), we were already unhappy for so many years and he was the "perfect spouse" and everyone knew it, I just wasnt happy and though

For most of my life I have had voices in my head (seriously). If you ask my opinion I could give you more than one and they would all contradict each other. At one point, I wondered if I had multiple personalities, others summed it up that I should have been a lawyer when I grew up because I could argue almost any case and pursuade like no other. The problem is, my thoughts contradict each other and I talk myself in and out of things thinking its the right thing. The mind is very powerful. In my search to finding Gods will for my life, Im learning to fervently pray all the time. I have a 6:00am standing appointment with God and believe it or not since I have renewed my life (about 2 years now) I instantly wake up and never fails to be 6am, so God and I have our time and I fall back asleep until I wake back up to begin my day. I talk to God all day throughout the day when Im in my car (almost all day) as if he were in the seat next to me and yes, I look pretty riduculous driving down t

Are you a hopeless romantic? Are you caught up in love stories and movies and find yourself desiring that kind of love? Do you look at other men or women and wish your husband or wife was like them? It's easy to to desire another person that you start out by admiring, but when your thoughts turn more into wishing or hoping your significant other was more like them your in the red zone. Watchout, you are in danger and your heart can be snatched away without even realizing it. I never believed in emotional affairs, it wasnt cheating unless there was physical contact, oh boy was I wrong (AGAIN). I have not only been caught up in this once, but twice in ten years of marriage. The old me (prechrist) felt that there was nothing wrong with having male friends, especially those that I knew almost my whole life. My thought was this towards my husband "Ive known them a whole lot longer than you and they will be for me when your gone"....I WAS SO WRONG, and I will be the first to ad

My husband is on shift Monday and Tuesdays so the boys and I take a little vacation from housework and cooking. We play, watch movies, and chill with exception of picking the garden and feeding the animals. The old me would wake up whenever, work on rent houses and real estate all day, come home put on my jammies and couch it for the rest of the night only making dinner a couple nights a week the rest were on their own. I had shows no one could talk through or interrupt mom and I really felt I deserved it after working all day. Im not a dirty person, but could careless if the dishes werent washed the second they were dirty or the laundry wasnt caught up. I emptied the trash, cleaned the bathrooms and wiped down the kitchen, in my mind who cares and if they care then they can do it themselves because Im tired. I later learned that I was depressed not just tired. The guilt of feeling depressed when you have nothing to be depressed about is depressing in itself. I had everything I wanted

Can I just say that I am completely exhausted! I find myself trying to do it all again AND have the family life that God designed. You will figure out real quick that I am bi polar (not kidding), so I have major ups and downs but for the most part Im can balance my behavior quite well. I can feel those moments coming and have learned how to work through them. I will say that my new found passion for Christ and happiness within has helped DRAMATICALLY, however I still hear Satan so clearly that not only do I have a chemical imbalance to deal with but also spiritual warfare so my thoughts and mind are still in "rehab". In my quest for making my life, marriage and motherhood what God designed for me, I found the book "my so called life as a proverbs 31 woman" by Sarah Horn. The idea of a proverbs 31 woman that I kept hearing when I dated "Christian" men (that was a joke) was a laughing matter (keep in mind this is my anti anything stage). The simple fact that

Before my words get taken out of context again (yes, again).... I want to clarify that its not that I didnt love my boys with a mothers love (the only love I knew at the time). I just flat out didnt know what love was or what a family should be. Between my parents I have had eight sets of step parents (yes, you read it correctly). The truth is I learned two things growing up: 1) Dont get close to anyone because they will leave you, never to be seen again and 2) When your not happy you get divorced and find someone to make you happy. Key phrase that someone else determines your happiness. I grew up being a control freak so that nobody would ever hurt me and a perfectionist that if I could just do everything right then I would make everyone happy and they wouldnt be sad anymore. I drove myself crazy trying to be perfect and when I failed it shattered me internally to the point where at 15 years old I decided there was no point to living because I failed so much at making everyone happy a

I thought in order for you to be able to understand where Im going you might need to go back and see how this started. About two and a half years ago Oklahoma Marriage Iniative (OMI) approved my application to become a workshop leader. I was so excited but had to go to OKC for a week training and it was scheduled for Spring. Spring came around and they called me for details and the conversation went something like this, " you arent going to want me anymore to run your workshops helping peoples marriages, because I am now divorced and don't believe in marriage". The fact is, I thought marriage was joke and disaster. Here I was 31 years old divorced twice with three little boys to raise. I surrended all my stubbordness and fell on my knees. I wasnt praying for a family, relationship with men or marriage....I just wanted GOD. I just wanted to be happy after 2 failed marriages and a not so ideal upbringing. I dove into Gods word and read as many books as I could. I faced my f

Im at a place in my life where Im trying to find my place. Ive had great adventures and not so great experiences. Ive been stubborn and challenging to deal with and as I learn Gods will for his people and the roles of wives and mothers, my whole heart and life have transformed. Ive recently read a book about becoming a proverbs 31 woman and the term "Martha 31" was formed from a modern day Martha Stewart. I have been on a quest to serve and support my husband and be a role model for my family while changing the world and working, running a farm and so on. I have triumph days and many days where I just want to throw in the towel. I thought it would be interesting to write and share my experiences with others out there maybe looking for comfort in knowing that I am human and we all have room to learn and grow.