PK

So I have a disheartning confession...Im a plant killer (boo). My mother calls me PK (not joking). Its super frustrating to be so passionate about something and be so bad at it. Every year I spend hundreds of dollars on plants, seeds, soil only to kill everything within months sometimes weeks. I research, I plan, I study and nothing. I can buy garden vegetable plants from the store and keep the plants alive but cant get them produce. Ive tried indoor gardening with lights, container gardening, in ground gardening and raised bed gardening with all the same results. I feel like I have even blogged all this trauma before now that I think about it because it s yearly disappointment. I can grow seeds into pods and give them away because I have so many then kill the plants I keep. What gives? I will tell you about 15 years ago I lived on a farm and had the most amazing garden EVER!! I also had the most amazing father in law that tended to it everyday. I had fruit trees and a blackberry garden. I had a strawberry garden and a salsa garden then the main garden that had all the rows of any other kind of vegetable that you could ever want and it created such an amazing crop that we canned vegetables, salsa and marinara sauce. We had cattle and pigs so we literally ate farm to table which inspired alot of my cooking and then the cooking blog. There is nothing like farm to table. It was alot of work and we only had to pick and upkeep. I took it forgranted and now that I live in the city...Im in my 6th year of growing anything. I have managed to eat about 3 strawberries, 4 cherry tomatoes and a few potatoes. I cant even keep herbs alive in my house. My brother on the other hand is a garden gift straight from heaven and its a huge family joke because he can grow, engineer, cross breed, genetic absolutely anything and everything. Its super sad. Ive tried to compost, play music, add wind, medicate and boost to know end. I think Im going to order gardening for dummies today. Whats sad is everything I read is something I already know yet I cant make it work. I kill cactus...who kills cactus? Me. I have always been taught what you nourish will grow, but Im just not seeing it here. Ive wondered if its our soil, Ive changed locations around my house Im starting to wonder if its me. Is it possible that I bring death? Am I sucking the life out of the things around me? I thought gardening was therapy but am I putting my stress in my plants? Have you ever seen the movie where the girl cooked and feelings went into her food? I cant remember the name but it had Sarah Michelle Geller in it, its an older movie but I always considered it when I cooked to have the most amazing feelings and everyone always said my food was the most amazing so it just stuck. If I cant keep a plant alive, can I keep anything alive? Am I killing the relationships around me too? Is this the reason I dont have friends? Is this the reason I dont have animals? Is this the reason I work for myself? Is this the reason Im not a volunteer anymore or on any commitees? Am I not good enough anymore or have I suffocated everything around me and dont even know it? Did I think I had passion but instead ended up killing everything? Is the bible the book of life for dummies? Can you over nourish things that you care about and kill them instead? Am I really just too consumed with myself and work to protect myself from being hurt by people? I thought I was working hard to prove to myself Im good enough but is it really just killing me and everything around me instead? I heard yesterday that every fear is an opportunity. I like that. I will probably forget it after I spend the next few hours painting a floor but it was a special thought to me for a minute. Have you figured out that my bi polar brain is absolutely crazy yet? Just another  Sunday morning in my head...time to get that floor painted and crank up the worship music to calm my soul. I really hope that the old people that are really great at gardening started like me and I can be amazing when Im grandma if not...I give up. If I were being honest, I now have fake succulents and herbs in my house so I can admire them without killing them. One last thing before I go to work...make sure to tell your house sitter and office staff which ones are fake before you leave out of town (HAHAHA) yes, its happened multiple times. As far as my death cloud... I know the devil wont be anywhere God is, so I will continue to sing my heart out to keep him away from me. Where there is God theres life.