Skip to main content

Just over it


     Another year.... here we go with another eyeroll as deep as it gets. Im at my yearly holiday bahhumbug. Is it normal to cry during holidays? Is it normal to just crawl in a ball and stay in bed. I feel like Im giving up but maybe just exhausted. My feelings have not changed from my previous holiday post, I still cant comprehend the hustle and bustle of the holidays. I cant do the entitlement and selfishness of "me, me, me" and what everyone is going to get while I spend the next 6 months plus paying for it, Its damaging and my mental health suffers. Im not supposed to be shopping and cooking alone to prepare for a family holiday. Where did I go wrong that everyone is scattered until its time to eat and by then the day is over. I have almost all adult children now is this just something I have to get used to? When you see other families gathering and cooking together and doing all the Christmas traditions together and Im standing alone in the kitchen crying trying to cook you cant help but wonder where I went wrong. Is this the biproduct of divorce? Did I ruin holidays for my children? All this time I thought I was busting my tail to make it special and meaningful....where did I go wrong? 

        I think its time to change the purpose of this blog. I wanted it to be a journey of following Christ but I dont feel that journey has gone anywhere in about 8 years. How did I get so lost? I was so happy....I even remember writing in one of the post about how amazing turning the light switch to my life was and how could anyone go back into the dark, but here I am. In the dark. Alone. Again. Should the blog be about a middle aged bi polar woman who wrecks her own life for others worldwide to witness? Is my life some cruel joke on me that when things go up they crash down just to see how much I can take? Who is this person? I dont even know me anymore yet when I read back through post I wonder who was that strong, happy, honest person that wrote all those beautiful writings? Are we all fake hiding behind who we really want to be or is there a fall from the rise every few years to teach us the things we need to be taught or in my case retaught over and over. 

        A journey that started with a desire to follow Christ is at a crossroads with a journey that barely even knows who he is all these years later. Where is my heart? Where is my head? Why am I just not here anymore? I challenged myself about ten years ago to get rid of anything in my life that didnt glorify God or point me closer to him and that included my marriage at the time...so I thought. Later down the road I learned that a marriage is coveted by God and he doesnt call for people to be divorced. There should have been something I hung onto to for things to change within the marriage perhaps instead of walking out on it but the damage was already done by the time I learned. Ok, I thought I learned but in retrospect I didnt because I turned around and remarried into a relationship that pulled me even further away from God. What am I doing? A relationship with God is deep within your soul so why is it so hard to keep it, honor it and grow it? Why do we get to a place of non existence to a relationship deep down in our souls? I have learned through the years we reap what we sow. Its one thing to hear it but its really an experience to grow through it. 

        I absolutely love plants. I have spent so much time and money buying and growing plants but I kill every single one of them even the no kill kind come to my house to die. I heard Dave Ramsey say once, "we are to plant the seeds and God is the sun and rain those seeds need to grow". I know in that context he was talking about money but I think it applies to everything including our lives. I grew up understanding that if you wanted to see someones real worth look at their fruit. Im sad to say I have everything in this world I could every want but pretty short in the fruit department. I can make pretty plants when I try to garden, but I have yet to see those plants produce even after all the time and money Ive spent on them. What am I doing wrong here? Time to dig back into Gods word and see what deficiencies I have and restart the growing process. I am tired of no produce. Is this a normal part of growth or am I just dead? Can my life be turned around again or is it just too late?

        

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Hillsong

 I came across Hillsong music around 1997. I was 17 , just lost my grandfather the most precious person to me and with my heart full of "why Gods", there is just something about Hillsong music that brings me to my knees. This music has been with me through the hardest moments in my life ever since. I had no idea it was a church or school until recently. I have every CD (for those that know what that is haha) and they have been played over and over that Ive had to rebuy them. Now I have Hillsong music on pandora so it plays through my car. I can scream it at the top of my lungs on a good day or say nothing at all on a bad day. Last week I accidently stumbled across the documentary so I watched it. I learned alot. I had no idea any of that had gone on to be honest. I didnt know what to think or say so I took a couple days to process. I have said this before in past post about putting people in the church on pedestals. Yes, I have also been hurt on more than one occasion from mu...
Post a Comment
Read more

PK

So I have a disheartning confession...Im a plant killer (boo). My mother calls me PK (not joking). Its super frustrating to be so passionate about something and be so bad at it. Every year I spend hundreds of dollars on plants, seeds, soil only to kill everything within months sometimes weeks. I research, I plan, I study and nothing. I can buy garden vegetable plants from the store and keep the plants alive but cant get them produce. Ive tried indoor gardening with lights, container gardening, in ground gardening and raised bed gardening with all the same results. I feel like I have even blogged all this trauma before now that I think about it because it s yearly disappointment. I can grow seeds into pods and give them away because I have so many then kill the plants I keep. What gives? I will tell you about 15 years ago I lived on a farm and had the most amazing garden EVER!! I also had the most amazing father in law that tended to it everyday. I had fruit trees and a blackberry garde...
Post a Comment
Read more

"Simpsons vs Flanders"

The last blog post was about being seen differently by people and not acting the way of the world. I have been mocked a couple times by the way I have chosen my life and Im ok with that, but my heart keeps telling me theres more to say. Its the wierdest thing to have your heart pulled and tugged for what has been on my mind, but the only way to put it to rest is to write it out. The podcast of life church was a series "from this day forward" learning five principles for marriage. I will use the same quote as before, it just got to me,"If you want to have a different marriage and family than everyone else, then you have to do things differently than everyone else". It really is a very powerful statement. We do have rules in our marriage and home that most people think is ridiculous and most of the time my husband thinks they are ridiculous, but weve been married before and you all know how that worked out so, if we want a different marriage, we will have to do differ...
Post a Comment
Read more