Just over it

     Another year.... here we go with another eyeroll as deep as it gets. Im at my yearly holiday bahhumbug. Is it normal to cry during holidays? Is it normal to just crawl in a ball and stay in bed. I feel like Im giving up but maybe just exhausted. My feelings have not changed from my previous holiday post, I still cant comprehend the hustle and bustle of the holidays. I cant do the entitlement and selfishness of "me, me, me" and what everyone is going to get while I spend the next 6 months plus paying for it, Its damaging and my mental health suffers. Im not supposed to be shopping and cooking alone to prepare for a family holiday. Where did I go wrong that everyone is scattered until its time to eat and by then the day is over. I have almost all adult children now is this just something I have to get used to? When you see other families gathering and cooking together and doing all the Christmas traditions together and Im standing alone in the kitchen crying trying to cook you cant help but wonder where I went wrong. Is this the biproduct of divorce? Did I ruin holidays for my children? All this time I thought I was busting my tail to make it special and meaningful....where did I go wrong? 

        I think its time to change the purpose of this blog. I wanted it to be a journey of following Christ but I dont feel that journey has gone anywhere in about 8 years. How did I get so lost? I was so happy....I even remember writing in one of the post about how amazing turning the light switch to my life was and how could anyone go back into the dark, but here I am. In the dark. Alone. Again. Should the blog be about a middle aged bi polar woman who wrecks her own life for others worldwide to witness? Is my life some cruel joke on me that when things go up they crash down just to see how much I can take? Who is this person? I dont even know me anymore yet when I read back through post I wonder who was that strong, happy, honest person that wrote all those beautiful writings? Are we all fake hiding behind who we really want to be or is there a fall from the rise every few years to teach us the things we need to be taught or in my case retaught over and over. 

        A journey that started with a desire to follow Christ is at a crossroads with a journey that barely even knows who he is all these years later. Where is my heart? Where is my head? Why am I just not here anymore? I challenged myself about ten years ago to get rid of anything in my life that didnt glorify God or point me closer to him and that included my marriage at the time...so I thought. Later down the road I learned that a marriage is coveted by God and he doesnt call for people to be divorced. There should have been something I hung onto to for things to change within the marriage perhaps instead of walking out on it but the damage was already done by the time I learned. Ok, I thought I learned but in retrospect I didnt because I turned around and remarried into a relationship that pulled me even further away from God. What am I doing? A relationship with God is deep within your soul so why is it so hard to keep it, honor it and grow it? Why do we get to a place of non existence to a relationship deep down in our souls? I have learned through the years we reap what we sow. Its one thing to hear it but its really an experience to grow through it. 

        I absolutely love plants. I have spent so much time and money buying and growing plants but I kill every single one of them even the no kill kind come to my house to die. I heard Dave Ramsey say once, "we are to plant the seeds and God is the sun and rain those seeds need to grow". I know in that context he was talking about money but I think it applies to everything including our lives. I grew up understanding that if you wanted to see someones real worth look at their fruit. Im sad to say I have everything in this world I could every want but pretty short in the fruit department. I can make pretty plants when I try to garden, but I have yet to see those plants produce even after all the time and money Ive spent on them. What am I doing wrong here? Time to dig back into Gods word and see what deficiencies I have and restart the growing process. I am tired of no produce. Is this a normal part of growth or am I just dead? Can my life be turned around again or is it just too late?