"There just has to be a better way to do life than the hard way I've chosen....this just cant be it. Exhausted on every level. I'm throwing away my cape as my super hero powers have left me. I am weak. The last piece of sequence and glitter has fallen off my costume. I have no shine and no sparkle left anymore. I find myself once again cold and hard. Is this death or am I just headed that way?"
I will not say that I haven't thought about driving off a bridge a few times, but no need to call the ward yet. Although I am still physically breathing...my mental, emotional and spiritual life have died or very close to it. Out of my Christ following five whole years, the last two have been the absolute hardest. The enemy has me so worn down that I'm ready to throw down my sword and surrender to the enemy because the warrior in me has been beaten up constantly in every aspect of my life. I am simply exhausted.
I heard something the other day and I honestly cant tell you where or how as I cant remember, but the contents made an impression on my heart. To be productive and keep moving you have to clean out your closets first. Literally. Its very hard to function healthy and be productive in chaos. I have started Spring cleaning and de cluttering this week. I am tired of looking at the clothes I wore two years ago and trying them on only to make it up to my calf or zip up 1/4. I have been flustered and my closet is chaos every time I go in it. It is setting the tone for my morning and day, then my evening and night. Yesterday, I went through one closet and took out everything that didn't fit or I don't wear. 3/4 of my wardrobe is gone but you know what? Its fresh, its clean, its organized and I pull what I need and want with no issues or frustrations. It feels good. Here is another example... It might not bother you to not make your bed everyday, it has never bothered me either until recently... but there is something about fresh sheets and pulling down the bed that just helps me sleep. Its refreshing, not chaotic. When I walk in my room at the end of the day, I smile because its neat and in order. I'm refreshed in the morning and cant wait to get in and relax in the evening. There is much truth to the concept and it relays to every aspect of my life from my actual atmosphere to my working atmosphere to my relational atmosphere. Its time to Spring clean. I need to be organized, refreshed, reenergized not surrounded in chaos and drowning in depression. There are relationships in my life that need to end and likewise some that I need to let begin. I have been slowly turning back cold and hardening my heart fighting against new relationships just to not endure relationship (or hurts that go with). It is so much easier to hibernate and hide. After all, you cant get hurt that way, but on the flip...you cant flourish either. We need community, we were made to thrive and survive together, not alone. There are things at work that have had me down, hurt and confused, but instead of the chaos....Im choosing to add it to my cleaning list. I need strength. I need joy. I need peace. I need space. I need closure. I need healing. I need God.
I decided to buy fresh flowers and open my blinds, turn on music and dance again. Its time I find my joy. The boys and I extended our cleaning and organizing to our car this morning and all day I have gotten into my car with a smile. It is clean and vacuumed. It smells good. Its refreshing.
There are times I see my kids and think life is too short and there are times that I cant wait for mine to end. I do not want to take for granted the blessings that have been provided to me and my family and I don't want to be ungrateful to God as I am already undeserving, but I need breath of fresh air. Not a vacation....a break. Time for my soul to reconnect with God and my spirit to refresh. Staycation, so I can clean out and reorganize and reprioritize my surroundings so that I can regain balance and proudly wear my crown as a true warrior princess of The One True King. Back to the battlefield.
I have been reading the book "Unqualified" by Steven Furtick and listening to his podcast over it the last few weeks....If you haven't taken the time yet and your in a similar place as I am and have been, Im telling you....you need to!! Im not so sure that's where the cleaning closet concept came from now that I think about it. Take time to reevaluate what you've got going on and do some cleaning out and reorganizing. Its worth it. I promise. Happy Spring!!!
"The Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; they shall walk, and not faint." Isaiah: 40:31
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