2024

 Here we are... Happy New Year!! So, what are your resolutions and goals for 2024? Ill tell you mine... none. Ive been wondering what is wrong with me so I googled "What does it mean if you have no goals or dreams" Diagnosis...lacking motivation and unambitious. Interesting. I get up every day and work 12-16 hours a day usually 7 days a week to keep things going yet I have lack of motivation and unambitious. Hmmm. Another diagnosis was lack of purpose, ok I might get on board with that one. I have been asking God my whole life what my purpose is and why am I here. I have felt the answer a few times and things seem to explode while I was doing it. So, that cant be right. I get doors close and and another one opens but how many have to shut before you figure out what your supposed to do with your life? Whats the purpose in finding it right before your life ends...why cant we spend our whole lives doing our purpose our mission before final resting and the words "good job my good and faithful servant". Its messy to go through life not knowing who you are or why your here and maybe things would be better off without you its not like your contributing anything anyway. At one point I wanted to be a dr so I could cure cancer, but I became a drug addict then mother so life took a different turn. Another time when I had my restaurant, I thought I could feed the hungry and solve world hunger...maybe be the best Martha Stewert and homeschool my kids while feeding the world and becoming the best chef. At one point do mission work all over the world I thought I could be in ministry fulfilling my purpose of feeding the world, caring for the world with my dr role I never achieved then maybe build everyone a house so they never slept outside again. I could put on concerts and give people hope through Gods music but then again Im stage fright and cant sing so theres that. I could be a HGTV star and inspire people on a budget on how to make things better and brighter in the homes they have, but then my husband told me everything I did was copied and my dad says everything I do is stupid and nobody likes what I like so theres that. Maybe I could be a writer and help people with motivation and life, oh wait my life is a trainwreck so probably need to find a new idea. Definitely not love, marriage or raising kids, we all know how that turned out. LOL.  Another google answer suggest a lack of exposure to different opportunities....Im pretty sure Im one of the luckiest people on this planet when it comes to this. I have traveled all over the world learning culture and life, I really dont feel like Im lacking in any experiences but maybe I am and just dont know it. Another suggestion is lack of support from family or society....ok now we are getting somewhere. Thanks google for diagnosing my issues and believe me I am not typing this with a straight face for writing that. I am laughing so hard Im losing where I was going with all of this. It is possible Ive been shut down so many times on ideas and dreams and goals of things I thought would be amazing that I shut down my internal factory. I have lost me somewhere along the way and became a robot to whatever my family thought I needed to be. I cant say the results have been good. Im exhausted in every way and just beat down to a point that Im not sure getting back up is worth fighting for. I have everything right so why waste time being unfulfilled and have purpose when I can just check tasks off my list for someone elses agenda to keep the peace. Where is my voice? What is my purpose? What happened to me and how do I get myself back? I guess only google knows, but Ill have to save that therapy for another day because a tile job is waiting on me and people need to move in. Always waiting on me...must be my lack of motivation. What are your goals and dreams? I would love to hear them...