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Tis the season

 Here we are again...another year has passed and Im in my normal buhumbug Christmas attitude with declining spirit as the years go by. Its really my same gripe and complaint every year of the expectation and greed that has taken over the idea of a gift. I dont mean to bring others down with me, but it seems my husband is losing his spirit as well. Our house has been known for its lights and light show but this year no lights, no decorations and its the 18th of December. My kids are grown.. well I say that, but really the baby has been jipped. Hes 16 so never here, but we always did the Christmas stuff because we had kids to make it special for. Everyone around us thinks we have it all together...does facebook do that to people? I feel like Ive always been raw and real which is not always to my advantage when your bi polar like me things just come out. The truth is, I just dont have any Christmas in me anymore. I see everyone else getting together and making cookies and candies, visiting all the gathering places around the state and girlfriends shopping together with the church goers and their matching outfits. Yes, some charity work but the world has to know there are real wars going on, people are dying and suffering and starving and fighting for life. How can I have everything and be depressed. I carry guilt for being blessed, but not doing anything with it. How can my body not get out of bed to be there for someone else. My heart is in the right place yet my actions are none other than a grinch. I have been diagnosed positive for autoimmune disorder, but certainly no excuse for not partaking in celebratory events for our saviors birth. This Christmas battle of mine has been ongoing for years if youve read the post autoimmune at this level is only an excuse (well kinda). Its hard to be in the kitchen cooking when your alone and have a meal or goodies for noone to eat that end up in the trash because nobody came by to eat. Its hard to decorate a tree when you know you have no means to put anything under it. Weve worked so many years, had so many last minute Christmas miracles and charged up so much debt in the past to make Christmas special for the kids that dont appreciate it and ask "if thats it" or upset they didnt get "what they wanted". I have no desire to fuel that energy anymore and yet again its the 18th of December and the clock is ticking. I have been asked all month if I was ready for Christmas and if all my shopping was done. It hasnt even begun. Here I am last minute trying to decide how to make things special again and bring back Christmas to my family while having anxiety on how to please 7 adult kids. I want to do nice things for them, but we have helped them transition into houses and marriages and competitions and cars all year long...how can Christmas be special and meaningful to kids who have and want everything? There is apart of me that believes the Christmas breakfast casserole, hot cocoa, cookie decorating with a nice meaningful card and picture should be what its all about and the other part of me that has been mom, dad and santa for so many years that its up to me to make sure kids have the best Christmas ever giving them all of their hearts desires because mom always comes through and makes things the best. But...mom is tired. Does mom get to be tired? Is there a strike for moms? Is this just the life sentence I get for being a mom? Why cant we all go on vacation together and create memories? With 7 adults and schedules and work and other families will a family vacation ever happen again? Thats what mom wants... everyone together playing games and laughing. Getting along, talking, sharing...Oh wait, nobody asked what mom wanted for Christmas. How can I forget, its about the kids. Its always about the kids even when they are grown. The anxiety and struggle of making Christmas is real. I feel like nobody understands yet we all do it. I feel like everyone else is on autopilot and its just what they do but why cant we be at John 3:16 serving someone else as a family? I dont know how I ended up responsible for these 7 adults but I would rather see them be good people than hear the disappointment of what they did or didnt get. How can I teach these kiddos a lesson on Christmas without ruining Christmas. Tick tock is all I hear in my head but Im really struggling to find the true meaning of Christmas and can only resonate with the soul searching of Cindy Lou Who and the acting out of Grinchy. What is wrong with me, why cant I just be a mom and suck it up like the rest of you? But hey, at least my husband guilted me into a tree this weekend. One step closer to pulling off Christmas for everyone...no, stay strong in the way you feel Heather (sigh). Im serious... for everyone who thinks I have it all together this is the real Heather, a walking disaster whos multiple personalities come out at all the wrong times. Completely misunderstood with a pure intent heart. I know Christmas is not about me, I know its above me and I know its coming whether I choose to acknowledge it or not. Im blessed with healthy, beautiful productive children that are amazing human beings. Lord teach me to be an example of you so that others have your heart not only at Christmas time, but all year long. Take this selfishness out of me and renew my spirit so others see you through me not my terrible acting out and grinchiness.




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