Skip to main content

A Screw Loose

 Monday I had a post planned on how great it felt to have sunshine in February and after watching JLOs new documentary how normal I felt to feel like everything is going to fall apart and everyone is watching. It was a raw look at my life through her eyes and it just felt so real that someone with her talent and creative skills has the thoughts I do everyday about my work, life and family. In the end we just want to be a good parent and have amazing children that weve given everything weve got and sometimes more to. I felt so normal and begin wondering if there is really such a thing as bi polar or depression or if were just adjusting to different life steps in our journey. Maybe everyone goes through the same thoughts and feelings but perhaps handles them differently. Maybe I don't have mental issues and I just needed reassurance or a different outlook. A few tears were shed and I called it a night. By Tuesday I was ok, felt heavy and my head was foggy but nothing was wrong, I was just ok going through the motions of the day. Wednesday I pulled myself together to do the responsible thing and went to work like every Wednesday I spend in the office. I wondered if Im feeling heavy is maybe a disease. Do I need to go to the doctor, am I sick or is this what 44 feels like? I'm ok but just not feeling right. Do I have a disease? I thought I was trying to eat better and cut out a few things over the course of a few months. Is my body cleaning out or on protest and strike? Shouldn't eating better make me feel better? I'm getting plenty of sleep....what the heck is happening to me. Thursday I have no motivation and I cant pull myself together. I finish a few responsibilities then head home to lay in bed. At this point I just want to drive off a bridge...would anyone even know I was gone? I definitely have a screw loose. Bi polar is real. This is getting dangerous. I cant accomplish anything yet I stress that its not getting done which upsets me more because its my fault its not done. I have a crew out there contributing and I cant show up to help. What person does this? I do have a screw loose. I have nothing to be sad or depressed about. I have everything under the sun and what I feel is a pretty great life and I think of driving off a bridge. I decided to go to cemetery to see grandpa that's where I go when I feel like ending it all. I cry, I shout, I scream and let it all out. I've done this for 27 years. There is something about the cemetery that changes my perspective quickly in times like this. I pull in and see a mother placing flowers on her dead baby.... I just cant. What the hell is wrong with me... this woman lost her baby and I cant pull myself together to get to work on an empty house? Who am I? Were still considered a small town and as I look around my grandfathers grave I see all the people weve come to know and love. I have memories of them all. Some lived out their entire lives and others would trade me places any day I'm sure because they didn't ask to die and the children...don't get me going on those sweet babies who ID trade my life for them to have theirs any day. I cant take childhood death, I never have. My best friend Amber was diagnosed with leukemia in kindergarten and passed in the third grade. I have never been the same. As a mother... I just cant fathom anything happening to one of my babies now as adults but as babies. My heart is so broken when I visit the cemetery yet I learn something each time I'm there and my perspective shifts almost instantly. I've eaten, I've hydrated, I've slept...what can possibly be wrong with me and how do I make this go away? I just want to be normal. There has to be a better way. Going from on top of the world to I cant be in this world is exhausting and confusing. I'm not a mother, wife or professional at this point. I'm a liability. All the fears and insecurities and voices come alive when Im in this state. I cant do it. God I need you, I cant do this anymore. I surrender. Tell me what you want me to do. I cant here you anymore, I don't feel you anymore. I know your there...but where. Yes, its me again. The world is fighting and people have real problems and struggles but here I am having a meltdown for no reason. Please don't make this about me, help me find the people who need me and please not for money. I am more than a check. I'm tired of only being needed or wanted for money. When is it my turn to give myself, my time, my talents in your name? Please God I need you. I can't be here alone. I cant do this anymore, I need you. Friday morning I pulled myself together and got in the car to face the fire of another day. On my apple car play was a new message from pastor Stephen Furtick titled "You are important" Can I just say Im caught up on all the podcasts and that was a new one freshly made that day. God could have called me out in my way of thinking, but he met me where I was. God knew the fragile state I was in and yet he showed up with a not in your face approach but I am here. It was a real moment. Over the weekend my mother sent me a letter I wrote to the toothfairy on my Hello Kitty stationary. I was crazy about Hello Kitty...I had it all. Every birthday, Christmas and allowance was spent in the hello kitty store. In the letter, I had apologized for loosing a tooth and not knowing where it was. I said that I would try harder next time and to please still love me. What 6 year old or so kid would feel like they failed the tooth fairy and that love was conditional and felt unloved because they couldnt perform? It turns out Ive always had a screw loose....but now Im trying to understand why.




Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Hillsong

 I came across Hillsong music around 1997. I was 17 , just lost my grandfather the most precious person to me and with my heart full of "why Gods", there is just something about Hillsong music that brings me to my knees. This music has been with me through the hardest moments in my life ever since. I had no idea it was a church or school until recently. I have every CD (for those that know what that is haha) and they have been played over and over that Ive had to rebuy them. Now I have Hillsong music on pandora so it plays through my car. I can scream it at the top of my lungs on a good day or say nothing at all on a bad day. Last week I accidently stumbled across the documentary so I watched it. I learned alot. I had no idea any of that had gone on to be honest. I didnt know what to think or say so I took a couple days to process. I have said this before in past post about putting people in the church on pedestals. Yes, I have also been hurt on more than one occasion from mu...
Post a Comment
Read more

PK

So I have a disheartning confession...Im a plant killer (boo). My mother calls me PK (not joking). Its super frustrating to be so passionate about something and be so bad at it. Every year I spend hundreds of dollars on plants, seeds, soil only to kill everything within months sometimes weeks. I research, I plan, I study and nothing. I can buy garden vegetable plants from the store and keep the plants alive but cant get them produce. Ive tried indoor gardening with lights, container gardening, in ground gardening and raised bed gardening with all the same results. I feel like I have even blogged all this trauma before now that I think about it because it s yearly disappointment. I can grow seeds into pods and give them away because I have so many then kill the plants I keep. What gives? I will tell you about 15 years ago I lived on a farm and had the most amazing garden EVER!! I also had the most amazing father in law that tended to it everyday. I had fruit trees and a blackberry garde...
Post a Comment
Read more

"Simpsons vs Flanders"

The last blog post was about being seen differently by people and not acting the way of the world. I have been mocked a couple times by the way I have chosen my life and Im ok with that, but my heart keeps telling me theres more to say. Its the wierdest thing to have your heart pulled and tugged for what has been on my mind, but the only way to put it to rest is to write it out. The podcast of life church was a series "from this day forward" learning five principles for marriage. I will use the same quote as before, it just got to me,"If you want to have a different marriage and family than everyone else, then you have to do things differently than everyone else". It really is a very powerful statement. We do have rules in our marriage and home that most people think is ridiculous and most of the time my husband thinks they are ridiculous, but weve been married before and you all know how that worked out so, if we want a different marriage, we will have to do differ...
Post a Comment
Read more