Monday I had a post planned on how great it felt to have sunshine in February and after watching JLOs new documentary how normal I felt to feel like everything is going to fall apart and everyone is watching. It was a raw look at my life through her eyes and it just felt so real that someone with her talent and creative skills has the thoughts I do everyday about my work, life and family. In the end we just want to be a good parent and have amazing children that weve given everything weve got and sometimes more to. I felt so normal and begin wondering if there is really such a thing as bi polar or depression or if were just adjusting to different life steps in our journey. Maybe everyone goes through the same thoughts and feelings but perhaps handles them differently. Maybe I don't have mental issues and I just needed reassurance or a different outlook. A few tears were shed and I called it a night. By Tuesday I was ok, felt heavy and my head was foggy but nothing was wrong, I was just ok going through the motions of the day. Wednesday I pulled myself together to do the responsible thing and went to work like every Wednesday I spend in the office. I wondered if Im feeling heavy is maybe a disease. Do I need to go to the doctor, am I sick or is this what 44 feels like? I'm ok but just not feeling right. Do I have a disease? I thought I was trying to eat better and cut out a few things over the course of a few months. Is my body cleaning out or on protest and strike? Shouldn't eating better make me feel better? I'm getting plenty of sleep....what the heck is happening to me. Thursday I have no motivation and I cant pull myself together. I finish a few responsibilities then head home to lay in bed. At this point I just want to drive off a bridge...would anyone even know I was gone? I definitely have a screw loose. Bi polar is real. This is getting dangerous. I cant accomplish anything yet I stress that its not getting done which upsets me more because its my fault its not done. I have a crew out there contributing and I cant show up to help. What person does this? I do have a screw loose. I have nothing to be sad or depressed about. I have everything under the sun and what I feel is a pretty great life and I think of driving off a bridge. I decided to go to cemetery to see grandpa that's where I go when I feel like ending it all. I cry, I shout, I scream and let it all out. I've done this for 27 years. There is something about the cemetery that changes my perspective quickly in times like this. I pull in and see a mother placing flowers on her dead baby.... I just cant. What the hell is wrong with me... this woman lost her baby and I cant pull myself together to get to work on an empty house? Who am I? Were still considered a small town and as I look around my grandfathers grave I see all the people weve come to know and love. I have memories of them all. Some lived out their entire lives and others would trade me places any day I'm sure because they didn't ask to die and the children...don't get me going on those sweet babies who ID trade my life for them to have theirs any day. I cant take childhood death, I never have. My best friend Amber was diagnosed with leukemia in kindergarten and passed in the third grade. I have never been the same. As a mother... I just cant fathom anything happening to one of my babies now as adults but as babies. My heart is so broken when I visit the cemetery yet I learn something each time I'm there and my perspective shifts almost instantly. I've eaten, I've hydrated, I've slept...what can possibly be wrong with me and how do I make this go away? I just want to be normal. There has to be a better way. Going from on top of the world to I cant be in this world is exhausting and confusing. I'm not a mother, wife or professional at this point. I'm a liability. All the fears and insecurities and voices come alive when Im in this state. I cant do it. God I need you, I cant do this anymore. I surrender. Tell me what you want me to do. I cant here you anymore, I don't feel you anymore. I know your there...but where. Yes, its me again. The world is fighting and people have real problems and struggles but here I am having a meltdown for no reason. Please don't make this about me, help me find the people who need me and please not for money. I am more than a check. I'm tired of only being needed or wanted for money. When is it my turn to give myself, my time, my talents in your name? Please God I need you. I can't be here alone. I cant do this anymore, I need you. Friday morning I pulled myself together and got in the car to face the fire of another day. On my apple car play was a new message from pastor Stephen Furtick titled "You are important" Can I just say Im caught up on all the podcasts and that was a new one freshly made that day. God could have called me out in my way of thinking, but he met me where I was. God knew the fragile state I was in and yet he showed up with a not in your face approach but I am here. It was a real moment. Over the weekend my mother sent me a letter I wrote to the toothfairy on my Hello Kitty stationary. I was crazy about Hello Kitty...I had it all. Every birthday, Christmas and allowance was spent in the hello kitty store. In the letter, I had apologized for loosing a tooth and not knowing where it was. I said that I would try harder next time and to please still love me. What 6 year old or so kid would feel like they failed the tooth fairy and that love was conditional and felt unloved because they couldnt perform? It turns out Ive always had a screw loose....but now Im trying to understand why.
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