On the search to seeking Gods will

My spirit is so torn as the holiday season begins and the heaviness of the school shooting of those innocent babies. Grief stricken and heart broken might be better words. Everywhere I look the Christmas season has just become all about money and gifts, everywhere I go people ask me if Im ready for Christmas and have all my shopping done....NO! Ready for what? If I had Christmas the way I want to have Christmas, I would be making a birthday cake for Jesus, maybe some balloons spending the day talking and celebrating him and who he is, after all it HIS birthday and he came to save us in this EVIL world. This act of violence has just caused so much controversy and it all stems from the blame game. We want to know why and point fingers, someone to blame. The real accountability is with us and the way we are living as a country as a whole and to be honest, we will see more of these tragedies if we dont get serious with GOD, not our laws. This didnt happen because God isnt in our schools...

I have volunteered for several years during the holiday season for different organizations, and I keep having the same experiences year after year....people are RUDE, and more importantly the people that are being helped are the rudiest! Over the years, I have gotten a bitter taste and slowly as the years have gone by, I volunteer less and less. Nothing beats the look on someones face when they have no expectations and you hand them anything and their face lights up as if you gave them the whole entire world....its the warmest soul food you could ever experience and maybe thats why I LOVE international missions. People in America just dont seem grateful and I really think because they havent experienced poverty. I see them coming up with new ways to beat the rules and systems in place to provide for everyone and yet they find ways to benefit their family leaving other families without. I see people signed up that really dont belong there, they just know where and when to grab a handout

It looks like my heart really is being led to homeschool my kids next year. I really feel like we should start at Christmas break but that only leaves me a half a month to prepare and I have too many things that need to be wrapped up and fall into place financially. I found a new Facebook group and the support has been overwhelmingly tremendous. The ladies are comforting me at the place I'm at and getting me excited for the future. I really hope it works out for us all, the kids are ready to start tomorrow, but I think they have a misconception of what all of this actually means. I'm also ready to make the next move at my church and start looking for a place in children's ministry...yes, I just wrote that. Absolutely unbelievable how I went from searching to feeling to now doing and the complete opposite of what I EVER wanted to do. When I said all in lord I meant it but never dreamed he would put me in a place I've turned my back on. If you knew me 5-10 years ago you c

I've said it before and I'll say it again when you ask God to speak to you, and you say your all in, you better be ready for anything....Oh my! I got a dose of my own medicine. Let me just say I was so freaked out that I ended my fast 6 days early (which I'm not proud of) but was totally freaking out over what I was feeling. As you know I've mentioned my heart changing for children including my own. I've mentioned before my wheels were turning about homeschooling. My kids are totally excited about the thought. If we started it, it wouldn't be until next year. You also know I like to stay busy and many of you know I love to create new things. Putting all this into perspective, I'm thinking I could homeschool and make things and sell them furniture, clothing, food for money just as the proverbs 31 woman. That is all very scary to me, but becoming a reality more and more....just wait it gets worse lol. It's not a secret that I struggle with children in

Over half way through this fast and as I thought it would get easier but Im bored with the same bland foods from a fleshly perspective and a picky eater. From a spiritual perspective the words AMAZING come to mind. My marriage has had tremendous weight lifted off it, I have listed more real estate in the last two weeks than I have in months (praying for contracts on those to get closed before the new year.....please help). New buyers are coming out of nowhere also known as a God thing and my rentals are starting to see light although not rented yet (need prayer). Those are my worldly and selfish issues taken care of. A long term prayer has been answered for two immediate family members this week which is an absolutely act of God (thank you for those who prayed for them). Mission trips for next year are falling into place, now I just have one order of business to understand and that is Gods will and calling for my life. I spend alot of time in prayer and yet find my mind wandering off t

Day 7 of a 21 day fast will be 20 days because Satan tormented me so bad the day I was supposed to start and I completely forgot. As I took my kids to school this morning we began talking about my upcoming Africa missions trip. I have one son that just thinks whatever naturally the oldest, another son that is VERY opinionated on how stupid and dangerous every trip I go on is and should just stay home to be safe and the little one who is influenced by both that goes up and down. This turned into a discussion on how if something were to happen to me doing Gods work then I died exactly how I would want to honoring and glorifying God, but something could also happen to me here in the US tomorrow. We talked about the sacrifice of Jesus' life for us and if something happened to me I would gladly sacrifice my life for him. The middle child of mine as opinionated and selfish as he is said some very not nice things and I became frustrated on my drive home thinking there should be a book for

Im really proud of myself for not being tempted. I feel pretty tired and have had several headaches, but Im still moving forward. One of my main prayers for this fast was to take a step back from my fast paced busy life and just stop. I want to be in tune with God as I have been previously. I know the bible talks about fasting in a quiet place and not to make it a spectacle that the Daniel fast has become, but I really want to share my journey and this is apart of it. Prayer and meditation with God, spending quality time with God is sooooooo important to your walk. He wants nothing more than a relationship with us and we cant be in a relationship if we dont listen to each other and talk to each other. He does know everything we are going to tell him before we do, and yet he still wants to hear it from us. Its amazing to me as I have journeyed through the bible of how big and mighty our God is and yet how gentle and soft he is. He cries when we cry and lately that has been alot for me s

I have always been considered strong willed and have been told by many that I may be made of stone because most of the time Im emotionless especially in tougher situations. Im not sure if its because I grew up with a military family or perhaps their no tolerance of tears or complaints. Maybe because of all I have been through, Im not sure but my coldness has effected many relationships throughout the years. One of the things that I have noticed about myself in the last two years with my heart change is that I have shown emotions and vulnerability that I never have before. Sometimes, I feel like I am caving into being the nice, bubbly, smiley person, I always hoped not to be....but reality is that my heart change was inside and out and when you have as much love and joy as I do at this point in my life, you just want to shout it from the rooftops and shake life into everyone. I did a 21 day fast with my church January two years ago and was able to complete it. I had a few headaches an

I cant even begin to tell you how busy I have been the last two weeks with tenants taking off with no rent and leaving me with a trashed houses. For as far back as I can remember, this is by far the worst financial hit I have experienced in at least ten years personally. Its different when you property manage and play with other peoples money than when its your own....eeeekkkk!!! On the flip side, working on houses gives me time with God and really helps give me clarity. I think its Gods way of silencing the world around me and puts me in a place where its just the two of us so he can teach me to where I can listen and pay attention without distraction, so its bitter sweet and as of yet.....my family hasnt skipped a meal (close calls, but no meals missed so far). I really feel my heart pulling in a specific direction and I put this in Gods hands that the words come out right because I know so many are affected by this, I just hope its presented in a way that glorifies God and that yo

I have heard and I have read about little girls wanting the fairytale ending when they grow up, married to Prince Charming and lots of children and everyone will live happily ever after. I never wanted the fairytale, is something wrong with me? I never wanted or needed to be swept off my feet or fall madly in love...it just has never been a desire of mine. Children were never a desire of mine either, I hear women say that all they ever wanted was to be a mother...I just never had those feelings. Am I broken or did I just have my fair share of reality from an early age? I love watching "chickflics" and to read a great love story...but I never envisioned it for myself. I never thought a guy would come and "save" me....where I came from, you are what you make yourself and you get there by sweat and sacrifice. Does this make me hardcore or heartless, Im not sure. Most people that marry three times you would call either a "drama" case or "hopeless romantic

There are moments in life when we are not even swimming, we are just trying to keep our heads above water and there are those when we are drowning. I have learned that in the moments of drowning to stop fighting for life and let go because we serve an amazing God that promises us that he will provide our needs for us. Its interesting to see what we as Americans determine as needs. I do have a lot of frustration with tenants and am trying to change my attitude, but so far I just cant. I watch them everyday get government money and paychecks larger than mine and yet choose not to pay the rent which is half my mortgage. I have heard them tell me they had to do this or this came up and thats why they cant pay, but what I cant get through the minds is that we are all living the same life. If you need more money, sell your "stuff", eat less, work more and learn what real sacrifice means. Its really hard to travel the world on mission trips and see what in our terms of "nothing

Most people think that I have turned crazy and/or wonder what has gotten into me lately....colored fingernails and toes, dark hair, tattoo, kid stuff, pinterest, cowboy boots and blue hair just doesnt seem like prim and proper "Heather". I can tell you that I feel more "me" than ever before. I have always felt like I was on the spot. Always in the spotlight, always being watched as pageant contestant, a business owner, a christian woman, young mom, model, and the list goes on. When I got divorced the second time, I felt like a mold and was in a shell for so long that I was set free and the weight of the world (my world) just fell off and I got the bounce to my step back! I realized that I had been trying to make my marriage look good for 7 years or more that it just wasnt. I wanted the perception that we had it all together....why, Im not sure. If I had to guess, I grew up so dysfunctionally that I wanted the world to know I was somebody and "I made it", b

Bible thumper (U.S.) pejorative term used to describe someone perceived as aggressively imposing their Christian beliefs upon others. The term derives from preachers thumping their hands down on the Bible to emphasize a point during a sermon . The term's target domain is broad and can often extend to anyone engaged in a public show of religion, fundamentalist or not. The term is most commonly used in English-speaking countries. I had the privilege of talking to a friend who believes in God and has started to attend church regularly. The holy spirit is definitely working in her heart as she is attending currently, seeking more personal connection in small groups and as I walked into her room, Christian music was playing. Depending who you are and which side of the fence you are on, you either find that normal or weird. During our conversation she began asking questions and that is how I know the spirit is moving in her. This is not someone who grew up walking in the life of God,

I have neglected to write the last two weeks, not because I didn't have time but because I'm in a down cycle of my bipolar. Its easy to write when your up, but when your down and negative it becomes difficult to have anything positive to say. Its not that I'm not thankful or grateful or blessed, I just feel so down. I don't want you thinking my life is too good to be true and that I'm not real, so I decided to at least let you know where I was at, so that you can see I'm a real person with real thoughts, feelings, emotions and struggle in my everyday walk. I really did hope and feel that my depression was gone for good and I was healed, its been over a year since I have had an episode to this degree. I have tried to write a few times, but had to delete....its just not a good idea to pull you into my thoughts. I learned about two years ago not to make a permanent decision based on a temporary feeling. Writing is therapy for me, however there is some of my pity pa

I have a had a couple people sarcastically say that I'm out trying to save the world, so I thought Id share my experiences with missions. I felt the calling to missions about 13 years old and always believed I would be a missionary in Brazil at an orphanage that was built by extended relatives and supported by my local church as well as other churches. Lets just say, my life took a different turn when I moved to California at 15 years old and instead of graduating, going to bible college and dedicating my life to becoming a missionary... I became a rebellious, drug and alcohol abuser, runaway and high school dropout. I was introduced to a church about three years ago that was doing a mission trip in Brazil and I just knew it was a "sign", so I signed up to go. I was depressed and my marriage was at the end of its existence, financial strain was intolerable and I was stressed to the max with rental property and real estate. Almost time to go and I found out I was pregnant

Ive been wondering over the last few weeks why I'm so calm about the "catastrophic" events (In Heather world) that would normally send me over the edge, for instance, tenants. Usually I have a small fuse and almost every moment of the day that I'm dealing with tenants is negative and full of anger. The last few weeks I have had major financial blows (which usually sends me over the edge by itself), tenants moving out without pay or notice, trashed houses, been to court numerous times lately, had people not pay and heard some pretty mean words from people and yet; I have not yelled, screamed, cursed, called names, thrown, stomped, stormed, huffed or puffed. I cant help but wonder what is wrong with me! (I'm not kidding, I have said that to myself and out loud several times in the last couple months) I have learned lately that the bigger the disaster, the bigger the glory to God is but in no way, shape or form did I consider my job apart of Gods perfect plan. It was

Those that know me, know that I LOVE pageants. I love the competition, love to be girly and get dressed up and love to meet other woman from across our state. I started competing in 1995 in the miss teen California pageant only to compete with three hundred other girls. I loved every minute of it! Shortly after I started modeling and fell in love with the industry and all that went with it. I competed again in high school hoping for scholarship money, but after the pageant my life took me a different direction and I was married with a baby at 19. I thought my chances were over and to be Miss America and they were...but, years later I found a new pageant for married woman and the title of Mrs America and it was on. The first year, I had so much fun getting to know the girls and just being myself. It was a great pageant system and I really wanted to just do well. I was just a runner up, but was determined to come back the following year and win! I spent the entire year with coaches and a