Those that know me, know that I LOVE pageants. I love the competition, love to be girly and get dressed up and love to meet other woman from across our state. I started competing in 1995 in the miss teen California pageant only to compete with three hundred other girls. I loved every minute of it! Shortly after I started modeling and fell in love with the industry and all that went with it. I competed again in high school hoping for scholarship money, but after the pageant my life took me a different direction and I was married with a baby at 19. I thought my chances were over and to be Miss America and they were...but, years later I found a new pageant for married woman and the title of Mrs America and it was on. The first year, I had so much fun getting to know the girls and just being myself. It was a great pageant system and I really wanted to just do well. I was just a runner up, but was determined to come back the following year and win! I spent the entire year with coaches and and stylist, making appearances and working towards the pageant. I was like a robot that did what everyone told me to do because they were the experts and I wanted to win and again I was a runner up. Oh yea, I was going back! I worked even harder that year becoming what everyone else wanted me to be and focused on the right answers, stand, look and wasted oh my goodness thousands of dollars. I found out I was pregnant and gave up the pageant a few weeks before. Its not that I couldn't compete rule wise, but I just felt I wasn't my best and didn't want to runner up....I wanted to win and by Mrs America I would have had to leave a newborn a couple of weeks to compete and I could not have been competition ready, not to mention not leaving a newborn at home for a pageant. I did lose that baby but was pregnant before the next pageant again so I sat a few years out. I gained a ton of weight and thought maybe if I signed up the next year then I would have motivation to lose weight and I did 65 pounds to be exact! I did not place that year and it was on again!! I was gonna win...grrr! I flew to California for pics, bought the most expensive wardrobe, paid for coaching (again), bought every beauty product out there and placed in the top ten. I thought Id do another system that was not as competitive only to be a runner up again! Then got divorced and that was the end of my pageant career. I do still judge all over the state and was on several boards and the executive director of a local pageant. I still do model with a local talent agency but here's what I learned through all this:
It was always easier for me to coach and judge pageants because I knew what it took to win, and in my head I won every time doing things so perfect, but when I got on stage I was a disaster. I wanted it so bad and drove myself crazy not to mess up, that I screwed up just focusing not to. I was molded every outfit, hairpiece, makeup, move and word. I worked so hard on becoming who I thought the judges wanted the winner to be, that I forgot to be me and honestly at the time, I don't even know who I was. How can I expect the judges to pick me when they and I don't even know who that person is. Yes, I always scored high in interview because I had all the right answers, but the personality was not real. I was so unhappy with my life that I thought if I won the title it would define me and yet, when it didn't I was devastated that I wasn't good enough and a failure at everything I have ever done. All I wanted was to be somebody and didn't even care who that was just to be acknowledged and important. I wanted to make my dad happy and show him that I accomplished something great and had a title and purpose, I wanted my husband to validate that I was a great wife and mom (which I was not) and be beautiful. I wanted my community to see that I wasn't just a high school dropout, I was someone great. I wanted my grandma to see that I could win a pageant and I wasn't overweight. I wanted my mom to see that I didn't ruin my life with drugs, that I was a somebody. I changed who I was and what I looked like trying to win a title, crown and banner and that's all I cared about and didn't care the cost to get it. Honestly, its the only thing I couldn't have just because I wanted it. I was a diva monster and I tore my marriage apart pretending to be someone I wished I was instead of working on who I was. I am so ashamed of the way I acted and I did meet really great people that I remain friends with today, but on the inside I was tormented by failure and self doubt. I didn't really think I could win, I just hoped so badly that I did. My behavior wasn't fake or harmful intentionally, it was just a lost me. Really, how was I supposed to represent married women and families of Oklahoma when I felt marriage was a joke and kids were holding me back? I was so wrong and had no meaning of what life truly was/is. I maxed out every credit card I had trying to buy the most expensive things hoping I would win....I wasn't kidding anyone. When I judge pageants, I can see right through people and I assume judges saw through me and saw how lost I was. I put my family in major debt multiple times trying to have the best. I took pills anytime I had to go out that gave me energy and made me socialize, very sad but true. I was cold, mean and had a major attitude, but when pageant time came I turned it on and became patty pageant, I wasn't even a real or complete person. I wasn't trying to be cold to the other girls, I just didn't know how to interact with other people. I never let people in and I came across as unapproachable probably only because I was focused so much on what I was going to say, but it couldn't be what I really thought or it wouldn't be pageant appropriate so I had to give pageant answers. I was afraid that nobody would like the real me so I just kept to myself most of the time. Everything about me was fake except my competitiveness (that was very real). I understand that theres a time for everyone, and at this point I'm so glad for the people that did win because they are a great group of women that I have always wanted to be apart of. They call it the "sisterhood" and oh, I craved to be apart of that group with their crown rings and personalized license plates soooooo badly. I wanted to do all the modeling and photo shoots and have appearances where people invited me to. I wanted to strut my stuff at Mrs America....oh I'm reliving this lol and it will always be a dream of mine. I have learned so much about myself, family and life in the last two years that I look back and think what a train wreck I was! Oh yea, I can still pick out a winner and her court from watching don't get me wrong, I spent time becoming a professional pageant person lol, but I can say it doesn't consume me nor mold or define who I am. I finally know what marriage and family is about, who I am and what I stand for and at the end of the day, I am just me and I'm ok with that. I think Ive accomplished some great things in 32 years and look forward to the remainder of my years and what opportunities are ahead of me.
It was always easier for me to coach and judge pageants because I knew what it took to win, and in my head I won every time doing things so perfect, but when I got on stage I was a disaster. I wanted it so bad and drove myself crazy not to mess up, that I screwed up just focusing not to. I was molded every outfit, hairpiece, makeup, move and word. I worked so hard on becoming who I thought the judges wanted the winner to be, that I forgot to be me and honestly at the time, I don't even know who I was. How can I expect the judges to pick me when they and I don't even know who that person is. Yes, I always scored high in interview because I had all the right answers, but the personality was not real. I was so unhappy with my life that I thought if I won the title it would define me and yet, when it didn't I was devastated that I wasn't good enough and a failure at everything I have ever done. All I wanted was to be somebody and didn't even care who that was just to be acknowledged and important. I wanted to make my dad happy and show him that I accomplished something great and had a title and purpose, I wanted my husband to validate that I was a great wife and mom (which I was not) and be beautiful. I wanted my community to see that I wasn't just a high school dropout, I was someone great. I wanted my grandma to see that I could win a pageant and I wasn't overweight. I wanted my mom to see that I didn't ruin my life with drugs, that I was a somebody. I changed who I was and what I looked like trying to win a title, crown and banner and that's all I cared about and didn't care the cost to get it. Honestly, its the only thing I couldn't have just because I wanted it. I was a diva monster and I tore my marriage apart pretending to be someone I wished I was instead of working on who I was. I am so ashamed of the way I acted and I did meet really great people that I remain friends with today, but on the inside I was tormented by failure and self doubt. I didn't really think I could win, I just hoped so badly that I did. My behavior wasn't fake or harmful intentionally, it was just a lost me. Really, how was I supposed to represent married women and families of Oklahoma when I felt marriage was a joke and kids were holding me back? I was so wrong and had no meaning of what life truly was/is. I maxed out every credit card I had trying to buy the most expensive things hoping I would win....I wasn't kidding anyone. When I judge pageants, I can see right through people and I assume judges saw through me and saw how lost I was. I put my family in major debt multiple times trying to have the best. I took pills anytime I had to go out that gave me energy and made me socialize, very sad but true. I was cold, mean and had a major attitude, but when pageant time came I turned it on and became patty pageant, I wasn't even a real or complete person. I wasn't trying to be cold to the other girls, I just didn't know how to interact with other people. I never let people in and I came across as unapproachable probably only because I was focused so much on what I was going to say, but it couldn't be what I really thought or it wouldn't be pageant appropriate so I had to give pageant answers. I was afraid that nobody would like the real me so I just kept to myself most of the time. Everything about me was fake except my competitiveness (that was very real). I understand that theres a time for everyone, and at this point I'm so glad for the people that did win because they are a great group of women that I have always wanted to be apart of. They call it the "sisterhood" and oh, I craved to be apart of that group with their crown rings and personalized license plates soooooo badly. I wanted to do all the modeling and photo shoots and have appearances where people invited me to. I wanted to strut my stuff at Mrs America....oh I'm reliving this lol and it will always be a dream of mine. I have learned so much about myself, family and life in the last two years that I look back and think what a train wreck I was! Oh yea, I can still pick out a winner and her court from watching don't get me wrong, I spent time becoming a professional pageant person lol, but I can say it doesn't consume me nor mold or define who I am. I finally know what marriage and family is about, who I am and what I stand for and at the end of the day, I am just me and I'm ok with that. I think Ive accomplished some great things in 32 years and look forward to the remainder of my years and what opportunities are ahead of me.
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