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Walking in faith

It looks like my heart really is being led to homeschool my kids next year. I really feel like we should start at Christmas break but that only leaves me a half a month to prepare and I have too many things that need to be wrapped up and fall into place financially. I found a new Facebook group and the support has been overwhelmingly tremendous. The ladies are comforting me at the place I'm at and getting me excited for the future. I really hope it works out for us all, the kids are ready to start tomorrow, but I think they have a misconception of what all of this actually means. I'm also ready to make the next move at my church and start looking for a place in children's ministry...yes, I just wrote that. Absolutely unbelievable how I went from searching to feeling to now doing and the complete opposite of what I EVER wanted to do. When I said all in lord I meant it but never dreamed he would put me in a place I've turned my back on. If you knew me 5-10 years ago you can see this is 100% God because you know how much the kid thing is so not me. If you just met me within 2 years you know I'm not a fan, but God continues to make 180 turn stages in my life in the oddest places and strangest times of my life. I have no idea where to begin with homeschool or kids ministry at the church other than hands up, knees down. I trust that the rest will unfold at just the precise time that the almighty has planned it. I am planning to keep working and see where that takes me as well as try some new adventures of creating furniture, making some clothing and jewelry pieces and just exploring the world with my kids with a fresh set of eyes and a new heart and passion. I get a do over with my kids and it's the greatest feeling in the world to know that kids have the capability to forgive and forget just as Christ does us. Our kids have the best hearts and although I've wasted 9 years of being an awful mother, I hope I have the next 60 years to make it up to them, God willing. I work so hard to live a life with no regrets and this has been a huge burden on me. I don't think it's so much regret but maybe remorse for the way I've handled things. I just try to do what I know or have learned and when you have a strong willed ADHD child, that doesn't always work out to well. I actually hit a point where a handful of people knew that I did not like my child. I don't understand him, I cant seem to discipline him, he's very opinionated, judgmental and selfish. There were days where I was creeped out by the looks he gave me and felt he's either going to be a very lonely person or in prison for doing something traumatic out of spite, hatred and anger. When I got divorced it was worse, and dating was far worse. The last two years have been the best and as I change as a Christian woman, wife and mother I can see a bit more hope. I think he's lacking in positive attention and touch feeling withdrawn and alone. Trying to teach and learn at the same time has been challenging, but he has a great personality and loves to make people laugh and smile. I pray God uses him in a way he will impact many people and be able to keep attention of a crowd. I do regret not being a better mom when he was a baby and toddler. I distanced myself with postpartum depression and with a busy lifestyle, his needs were not cared for first. I know I can't rewind time, but I hope I can come in at this crucial time and teach him how to be a man of God and a Christian husband and father. I know once my family is in order, I can work with other children that may not have support in their homes. I can impact a whole other generation to help them grow up in God to have future relationships worth having and lives worth living just by my influence and I'm really excited about what is to come. Thank you for your continued prayers and support. With 3,000 readers of this blog, I feel like I have my own army of prayer warriors. Don't forget to pray for the kids....not just mine but those I will be in contact with, I'm not kidsy so I'm gonna have to figure out how to be on a kid level, how bad would it be to take a Valium before I enter the doors of the children's church....oh my, I need one now just thinking about all the noise, mess and jibber jabber. Oh lord please have mercy on me and those poor poor children :/

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