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Mid life crises?

Most people think that I have turned crazy and/or wonder what has gotten into me lately....colored fingernails and toes, dark hair, tattoo, kid stuff, pinterest, cowboy boots and blue hair just doesnt seem like prim and proper "Heather". I can tell you that I feel more "me" than ever before. I have always felt like I was on the spot. Always in the spotlight, always being watched as pageant contestant, a business owner, a christian woman, young mom, model, and the list goes on. When I got divorced the second time, I felt like a mold and was in a shell for so long that I was set free and the weight of the world (my world) just fell off and I got the bounce to my step back! I realized that I had been trying to make my marriage look good for 7 years or more that it just wasnt. I wanted the perception that we had it all together....why, Im not sure. If I had to guess, I grew up so dysfunctionally that I wanted the world to know I was somebody and "I made it", but I was so broken that by the time I got divorced, I had no idea who I actually was, what I was and where I was going. I began to soul search deeply, I lost several relationships during that time because I was so lost, I didnt know what I wanted so I just became alot of things. I didnt really go out and party and date alot because I got that wild streak out of me after my first divorce so the bar scene was just not my thing, but my character was extremely contradicting. I literally felt the old come out of me through the course of that first year and there were people who got caught in the middle and didnt make it to the end to see the new me (the real me) and if they did then they didnt like it and left anyway. I dont have burned bridges or regret, but I do feel bad that I mislead people. It was never on purpose, I just didnt know what I wanted or who I was. I was in the middle of being pulled from the world to heaven and ended up in the middle for awhile. I had to establish new values, new morals, new character, dreams, goals, everything to build up from scratch the person I am now. I just want to be me! Im tired of always disappointing people and failing...I just want to be me, not what everybody else expects of me. I thought that once I found me, I would surround myself with people who accept me for me but thats not what happened. The people who I surrounded myself with turned on me because I wasnt the old me and I had a decision to make. Either fight for those relationships or walk away from them and I chose to walk away. They werent easy decisions, but I had to keep my focus on what I want for my life and keep my heart open for what God wants me to do and who he wants me to be. I have controlled things for so long that it was huge for me to fall on my knees, arms open wide and say "I surrender" and "Im all in Lord" where do you want me?!. I am a crazy, wild, free spirit that has been taught to act this way and that way and dont say this or that and my chains are finally broken....I dont want to be anyone else, I just want to be the best me that I can be. I understand that Im in the real estate business and maybe the nose ring isnt such a great idea (yes, it caused problems lol) and Im sure my blue hair wont be welcomed arms wide with my boss, but its just temporary for the second half of October....a time to be creative and fun, right? Come on, live a little :)


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