I have always been considered strong willed and have been told by many that I may be made of stone because most of the time Im emotionless especially in tougher situations. Im not sure if its because I grew up with a military family or perhaps their no tolerance of tears or complaints. Maybe because of all I have been through, Im not sure but my coldness has effected many relationships throughout the years. One of the things that I have noticed about myself in the last two years with my heart change is that I have shown emotions and vulnerability that I never have before. Sometimes, I feel like I am caving into being the nice, bubbly, smiley person, I always hoped not to be....but reality is that my heart change was inside and out and when you have as much love and joy as I do at this point in my life, you just want to shout it from the rooftops and shake life into everyone.
I did a 21 day fast with my church January two years ago and was able to complete it. I had a few headaches and stomach pains but nothing major or unmanageable. It was the greatest year of my life! When I was in high school I remember kids fasting for lunch and I thought they were just stupid and now, well I still think the same thing, but I understand where they were going with it. Jentzen Franklin said in his book about fasting that "a fast without prayer is a diet", it appears to me the kids that fasted for lunch were giving up something for God, but they were sitting at the table socializing and just not eating so I think the purpose was defeated however their efforts will be praised. I LOVE food and I didnt realize how hard a 21 day fast would be until I did it. Of course, right next door to a place I did business with opened up a new Italian restaurant right next door so for the remaining two weeks every time I went in there, I had to smell the Italian food from the walls and vents and then watch the workers bring it in to eat....funny how we are tempted. Most of my friends were in the fast, but those who werent had no problem making fun of me and bringing my favorites right before me. There were nights I ran through the drive thru for the boys instead of cooking two meals and handing back those cheeseburgers really got close to a bite once and I almost caved over a cheeseburger. I had the most amazing insight to Gods presence than I have ever had and to have that feeling back and live in that frame of mind all the time is a dream of mine. At the same time we were having a tithing challenge and I took place in that as a single mom of three struggling to buy needs, I took the challenge. Those two events that year set me up for what turned out to be the most incredible year financially, physically, mentally and spiritually not only that but my heart was changed for my family and God restored 10 years of a broken marriage and stone cold heart and my family was restored after the legal divorce and I was the one that had the desire amazingly enough, I was the one that walked away.
I have tried fasting multiple times since that experience and have gotten from 1-5 days tops. I know it is a struggle for people to take on the 21 day fast and have to work at it, many fail many times. I find it more frustrating that I accomplished it the first time and havent been able to do it since. Was I more holy or spiritual and living better than I am now? Did I take God more seriously? Im not sure and really confused as to why at this point I have succeeded when I know the miracles that took place that year. Am I living in a place of comfort to where my strength isnt reliant on God as it was a struggling single mom of three kids? I sure hope not, I want to lean on him and give him 100% all the time not just when I am in desperate need and I hope that my inner self is not feeling like it can do it without him because I dont have any immediate needs or wants or Im sunk. I really hope that in the day I stand before Christ that I am not judged wrong for using God a genie "poof, what do you need" every time I talk to him. Why do we call out to God in our misery and in miracles, but not just hang out with him everyday? Take time to thank him for everything and not just when we need something? I read a saying once that said something to the effect of what if we got to keep everything we thanked God for yesterday? WOW! Would you even have your kids today, I may not...just being honest. I pray and thank God for my kids quite often, but I cant say I do in every prayer....what if that was the last prayer and it didnt include them?
I have decided to try a 21 day fast again and Im on day 4. The night before Ben and I got in the biggest fight we have had in over two years, enough that I forgot about the fast and missed day one and this fast had been planned for a month because of the timing of Thanksgiving this year. The next day I was called out with the Red Cross for two weeks in New York to help with disaster relief, something I would only dream to do, but something that would have ended the fast not being in control of my diet when meals would be provided for me. I turned it down and still working through the heartache. I watched the movie "Taken" with a friend that night and I went to bed with a headache and at 2am was on my deathbed and ready to hit the ER. I had three headaches in one, had night sweats and then chilled, I was throwing up and pretty much life less. I had been here before and I had a decision to make. All I kept hearing is "this could all be over if you would just eat, why would you do this to yourself, you have things that need to be done and you cant do them feeling this way. How can you take care of your kids, this is ridiculous, just eat and call it good"....I know where it came front and the point I was really considered it, but then this....I thought of those girls laying chained to the bed drugged and nearly dead in the brothels of Paris in the movie "Taken", I had flashbacks of other movies where people were in prisons of other countries raped and beaten, starved to death. I thought of Daniel in the lions den, Jonah in the whale, Jesus on the cross.....for all the people across the world serving as missionaries that are prisoned or killed. What is the sacrifice Im making for God and just because my body is sick, Im going to give up on my faith? I think of Christians stomachs being eaten out of them alive by wild boars as described in Romans. If Im living in the end times and the world turns to punishment for Christians am I going to die fighting for what I believe or give up when I hurt, bleed and get sick? Is this too graphic, Im sorry if it is, but the truth is in our spoiled lives, we dont know what it means to sacrifice and when things get uncomfortable or hurt, we throw in the towel....but being a follower of Christ doesnt mean sitting at church on Sunday and going back to your life, it means getting uncomfortable and doing the work and suffering as he did in order to learn his word, teachings and meanings and actually following through no matter what happens along the way or in the end. I dont go on mission trips expecting to come back, Im not oblivious to the danger I put myself in when I fly to another country and witness God to people that arent allowed or supposed to hear the word, so why do I find it difficult to pass up food and think its too hard?
I am not finding food to be a temptation this time because I found an inner strength and purpose as to why Im doing this fast in the first place. I find it interesting my perspective and heart has changed about fasting and Im excited to see the work that will be accomplished in me when Im finished this round just in time to enjoy Thanksgiving. I get irritated with the people that post what they are thankful for in November when really it should be everyday. I understand the cuteness of it, but I wanted to do something with more meaning and power. I usually attempt this at the beginning of the year or when I feel I need answers from God, but Im just at a place where I feel myself drifting away from the arms that held me so close two years ago and I need to feel that closeness again to know Im on the path he set before me. God doesnt drift away from us.....we drift from him because we are too busy with our lives that really dont matter instead of focusing on why we are here in the first place. I want the crown and the seat on his right side and I cant wait to hear, "well done my good and faithful servant"......anything less means I have wasted the time he gave me to glorify him. I'm not sure if I was hallucinating all this thought or being spoken to directly but the message was so crystal clear. My husband asked me last night it I would be tempted by going into a favorite place to eat and watching everyone eat and smelling it and the honest answer was no because I'm not dieting, I have a inner strength and purpose as to why. We went and it smelled good, but my desire to reach out to God overpowered my want of a food to a point where it wasn't a sacrifice it was more of a offering and the inside of me felt so free of bondage and peaceful. The clarity of Gods voice is becoming so real as it had been to me two years earlier that I crave and desire it more than anything in this world. That is the strength I will use against this world regardless of the situations I will face and I know that whatever happens to me, I live with the peace of knowing our Lord on a most intimate level that not many people ever seek to experience. I wish it for everyone, but not everyone desires it and I respect that. Week two, here we go!!!
"but you should keep a clear mind in every situation. Don't be afraid of suffering for the Lord. Work at bringing others to Christ. Complete the ministry God has given you." 2 Tim 4:5
I did a 21 day fast with my church January two years ago and was able to complete it. I had a few headaches and stomach pains but nothing major or unmanageable. It was the greatest year of my life! When I was in high school I remember kids fasting for lunch and I thought they were just stupid and now, well I still think the same thing, but I understand where they were going with it. Jentzen Franklin said in his book about fasting that "a fast without prayer is a diet", it appears to me the kids that fasted for lunch were giving up something for God, but they were sitting at the table socializing and just not eating so I think the purpose was defeated however their efforts will be praised. I LOVE food and I didnt realize how hard a 21 day fast would be until I did it. Of course, right next door to a place I did business with opened up a new Italian restaurant right next door so for the remaining two weeks every time I went in there, I had to smell the Italian food from the walls and vents and then watch the workers bring it in to eat....funny how we are tempted. Most of my friends were in the fast, but those who werent had no problem making fun of me and bringing my favorites right before me. There were nights I ran through the drive thru for the boys instead of cooking two meals and handing back those cheeseburgers really got close to a bite once and I almost caved over a cheeseburger. I had the most amazing insight to Gods presence than I have ever had and to have that feeling back and live in that frame of mind all the time is a dream of mine. At the same time we were having a tithing challenge and I took place in that as a single mom of three struggling to buy needs, I took the challenge. Those two events that year set me up for what turned out to be the most incredible year financially, physically, mentally and spiritually not only that but my heart was changed for my family and God restored 10 years of a broken marriage and stone cold heart and my family was restored after the legal divorce and I was the one that had the desire amazingly enough, I was the one that walked away.
I have tried fasting multiple times since that experience and have gotten from 1-5 days tops. I know it is a struggle for people to take on the 21 day fast and have to work at it, many fail many times. I find it more frustrating that I accomplished it the first time and havent been able to do it since. Was I more holy or spiritual and living better than I am now? Did I take God more seriously? Im not sure and really confused as to why at this point I have succeeded when I know the miracles that took place that year. Am I living in a place of comfort to where my strength isnt reliant on God as it was a struggling single mom of three kids? I sure hope not, I want to lean on him and give him 100% all the time not just when I am in desperate need and I hope that my inner self is not feeling like it can do it without him because I dont have any immediate needs or wants or Im sunk. I really hope that in the day I stand before Christ that I am not judged wrong for using God a genie "poof, what do you need" every time I talk to him. Why do we call out to God in our misery and in miracles, but not just hang out with him everyday? Take time to thank him for everything and not just when we need something? I read a saying once that said something to the effect of what if we got to keep everything we thanked God for yesterday? WOW! Would you even have your kids today, I may not...just being honest. I pray and thank God for my kids quite often, but I cant say I do in every prayer....what if that was the last prayer and it didnt include them?
I have decided to try a 21 day fast again and Im on day 4. The night before Ben and I got in the biggest fight we have had in over two years, enough that I forgot about the fast and missed day one and this fast had been planned for a month because of the timing of Thanksgiving this year. The next day I was called out with the Red Cross for two weeks in New York to help with disaster relief, something I would only dream to do, but something that would have ended the fast not being in control of my diet when meals would be provided for me. I turned it down and still working through the heartache. I watched the movie "Taken" with a friend that night and I went to bed with a headache and at 2am was on my deathbed and ready to hit the ER. I had three headaches in one, had night sweats and then chilled, I was throwing up and pretty much life less. I had been here before and I had a decision to make. All I kept hearing is "this could all be over if you would just eat, why would you do this to yourself, you have things that need to be done and you cant do them feeling this way. How can you take care of your kids, this is ridiculous, just eat and call it good"....I know where it came front and the point I was really considered it, but then this....I thought of those girls laying chained to the bed drugged and nearly dead in the brothels of Paris in the movie "Taken", I had flashbacks of other movies where people were in prisons of other countries raped and beaten, starved to death. I thought of Daniel in the lions den, Jonah in the whale, Jesus on the cross.....for all the people across the world serving as missionaries that are prisoned or killed. What is the sacrifice Im making for God and just because my body is sick, Im going to give up on my faith? I think of Christians stomachs being eaten out of them alive by wild boars as described in Romans. If Im living in the end times and the world turns to punishment for Christians am I going to die fighting for what I believe or give up when I hurt, bleed and get sick? Is this too graphic, Im sorry if it is, but the truth is in our spoiled lives, we dont know what it means to sacrifice and when things get uncomfortable or hurt, we throw in the towel....but being a follower of Christ doesnt mean sitting at church on Sunday and going back to your life, it means getting uncomfortable and doing the work and suffering as he did in order to learn his word, teachings and meanings and actually following through no matter what happens along the way or in the end. I dont go on mission trips expecting to come back, Im not oblivious to the danger I put myself in when I fly to another country and witness God to people that arent allowed or supposed to hear the word, so why do I find it difficult to pass up food and think its too hard?
I am not finding food to be a temptation this time because I found an inner strength and purpose as to why Im doing this fast in the first place. I find it interesting my perspective and heart has changed about fasting and Im excited to see the work that will be accomplished in me when Im finished this round just in time to enjoy Thanksgiving. I get irritated with the people that post what they are thankful for in November when really it should be everyday. I understand the cuteness of it, but I wanted to do something with more meaning and power. I usually attempt this at the beginning of the year or when I feel I need answers from God, but Im just at a place where I feel myself drifting away from the arms that held me so close two years ago and I need to feel that closeness again to know Im on the path he set before me. God doesnt drift away from us.....we drift from him because we are too busy with our lives that really dont matter instead of focusing on why we are here in the first place. I want the crown and the seat on his right side and I cant wait to hear, "well done my good and faithful servant"......anything less means I have wasted the time he gave me to glorify him. I'm not sure if I was hallucinating all this thought or being spoken to directly but the message was so crystal clear. My husband asked me last night it I would be tempted by going into a favorite place to eat and watching everyone eat and smelling it and the honest answer was no because I'm not dieting, I have a inner strength and purpose as to why. We went and it smelled good, but my desire to reach out to God overpowered my want of a food to a point where it wasn't a sacrifice it was more of a offering and the inside of me felt so free of bondage and peaceful. The clarity of Gods voice is becoming so real as it had been to me two years earlier that I crave and desire it more than anything in this world. That is the strength I will use against this world regardless of the situations I will face and I know that whatever happens to me, I live with the peace of knowing our Lord on a most intimate level that not many people ever seek to experience. I wish it for everyone, but not everyone desires it and I respect that. Week two, here we go!!!
"but you should keep a clear mind in every situation. Don't be afraid of suffering for the Lord. Work at bringing others to Christ. Complete the ministry God has given you." 2 Tim 4:5
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