Singing the blues

I have neglected to write the last two weeks, not because I didn't have time but because I'm in a down cycle of my bipolar. Its easy to write when your up, but when your down and negative it becomes difficult to have anything positive to say. Its not that I'm not thankful or grateful or blessed, I just feel so down. I don't want you thinking my life is too good to be true and that I'm not real, so I decided to at least let you know where I was at, so that you can see I'm a real person with real thoughts, feelings, emotions and struggle in my everyday walk. I really did hope and feel that my depression was gone for good and I was healed, its been over a year since I have had an episode to this degree. I have tried to write a few times, but had to delete....its just not a good idea to pull you into my thoughts. I learned about two years ago not to make a permanent decision based on a temporary feeling. Writing is therapy for me, however there is some of my pity party that is just demon possessed that needs to be prayed through. I'm sick and financially strapped, which doesn't help and knowing my pattern, it was bound to happen. I was hoping for some inspiration or some great thought to share with you, but it just hasn't happened yet. Martha 31 has me feeling like a failure and I know its Satans will for me to just throw in the towel and go back to my old way of living.....but I'm just not giving up that easy, so I will continue to fight for my marriage and family by strengthening my relationship with Christ. If Christ is for me, then who can be against me right? The closer I draw to God, the closer he will draw to me. If I can keep myself in worship mode and seeking mode, then its really hard to be down about anything. I'm in process of digging out of this pit, but its really hard at times when my surroundings aren't on the same page as me and the people around me don't understand. I'm searching for Gods will and in a whirlwind spinning in circles trying to find it. My biggest fear is getting caught up in trying to find Gods will, that I waste my time wondering instead of doing. Most of us have a fear of failure and when its all you hear at some point you begin to believe it. The great news is that Jesus doesn't hold us to the same failure patterns that man does and we will "fail" people whether we are doing the right or wrong thing because ultimately its their perception when really we should only focus on Gods perception and how we fulfill our hearts and time to him. I cant go wrong when I'm following his word and I believe by seeking his word that I will find his will. I know he is speaking to me in many different areas in my life and sometimes I get overwhelmed with all the lessons and changes, but I know where my focus and dedication is and that keeps me going everyday. I want to be the kind of woman that when my feet hit the floor in the morning the devil gets nervous and flees from me and everyone around me. I know that growing is a process and life has its ups and downs so its time to take a breath of fresh air, open my bible, begin to fast and pray my way through this one keeping my eyes and heart opened to the message that is trying to be taught instead of letting Satan have victory over my mind and family. Battle armor is officially on and I am ready to get out of this pit. I read not to long ago, that if we aren't in the bottom of the pit long enough to struggle then we don't appreciate getting out, therefore I believe that this particular pit has questioned my faith and obedience and until this moment, I was losing the fight to get out, but I feel recharged and re energized to pull out my armor and fight this battle to get out, give glory where it needs to go and help others who face battles. God is good all the time and he deserves to have that from me, so I'm burying this depression in this pit and leaving it there as I crawl out, give glory to God and move forward by placing one foot in front of the other.