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I think I can, I think I can....

Over half way through this fast and as I thought it would get easier but Im bored with the same bland foods from a fleshly perspective and a picky eater. From a spiritual perspective the words AMAZING come to mind. My marriage has had tremendous weight lifted off it, I have listed more real estate in the last two weeks than I have in months (praying for contracts on those to get closed before the new year.....please help). New buyers are coming out of nowhere also known as a God thing and my rentals are starting to see light although not rented yet (need prayer). Those are my worldly and selfish issues taken care of. A long term prayer has been answered for two immediate family members this week which is an absolutely act of God (thank you for those who prayed for them). Mission trips for next year are falling into place, now I just have one order of business to understand and that is Gods will and calling for my life. I spend alot of time in prayer and yet find my mind wandering off to other places and before too long I hear myself try to focus on just GOD nothing else and its challenging for me. I live a life that goes 90 to nothing the second my mind awakes until I just fall asleep. I go so fast all the time that to just stop to listen to what God wants is very difficult. He is my priority, but yet I get so distracted. Im on a journey to finish reading the bible before the end of the year and Im behind, although I must admit, I really like seeing the bookmark where it is when the book is closed because I see the progress. My "Martha 31" duties have fallen so behind and even though I keep trying to convince myself its only crazy right now, but it will slow down again if I just work harder and longer now, then I can play again. There are days I wonder did I lose my shine and newness in my relationship already, not even a year into it or is it really because Im just that busy right now? Im scared I will fall back into lazy where I dont cook or clean and just sleep when I get home like I did before which in turn turned to be depression as I pulled away from everything and everybody. Im genuinely just exhausted, but the patterns and flashbacks of my last marriage are flashing before me. Is that Satan getting to me trying to make me give up or a vision and reminder of the spirit of where I dont want to be so I can fix it? This time change really has me dragging and at 6:30 Im ready for bed, but Im a mom and a wife with three business' to run so as I try to pull myself together without coffee or pills thanks to the fast, Im trying to go on pure energy that I just dont have.

Im wondering if I will find my answer in 8 more days and anxious to see if God gives me a to be continued...Too many amazing things have happened for me to just stop in the fast early, Im scared lightning will strike it all back if I stop, but 8 days left and still searching for clarity and Gods will in my life I cant help but hear the tick tock in my mind. I have a feeling I just may find it in Africa when the mom, wife and business person goes away for 14 days and its me and God one on one with absolutely no distractions other than a possible plane crash (yes, I have flying anxiety). I hope you dont find this blog whiny or complainy as I just emptied my head onto paper well technically digital space. My heart is still heavy for a few families that I have been praying for that need breakthroughs in their marriages, families and to be families and I hope they find rest and comfort in knowing that our creator has already written their story and those that seek him will find it in him and it will lead to his promises for them and their families. Cheering section thank you for encouraging words and prayers, so for 8 more days here I come chuggin along!!

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