On the search to seeking Gods will

I know what I have written the last year has been like a Psalm pouring out my inner heart and cries, but at some point things have to turn around. I cant live in this place of paralyzing depression ( Im starting to feel like a Taylor Swift blog). My kids deserve more and I need to get over myself and take up my cross. My 11 year old son is having trouble at school with another boy over a girl. His dad and I have taken the approach to him that the girl is not worth him if she cant decide who she wants to be with. He deserves someone who chooses him, not someone he has to fight for and convince. This other boy has been bullying him with his cell phone and at school in the cafeteria at lunch and so on. My heart breaks for him that hes going through this over a girl and in the 5th grade. I see how young and honest and pure his heart is and it crushes me that at this age hes struggling with this. He has so much life to live and this boy and girl are consuming him and valuing his self worth.

I had this title reserved in August and named it "Scattered" as I wanted to write about how people are moving all the time and have brief encounters with people each and every minute of the day. I wanted to write about the divine appointments God sets up for us yet how many opportunities we miss because we are too busy focusing on ourselves, our routines and our lives. It came to me as I was in the airport that all those people under one roof, one plane and then scatter around the world in just a matter of minutes or hours. I am one of those people that always look for the "whys".  I tend to look for the sign or message in everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) to the point of being over analytical trying to make things match up. Its not the best trait to have, but it has saved me many times from a wrong path. People come and go for seasons in our lives. I have a hard time warming up and a hard time letting go especially without the "whys" leaving me shatter

Its been a year since Ive been on my own and the emotions have been up and down. When I first moved out I was basically pumped with adrenaline of the move, taking care of business and busy recreating an environment for the kids so they weren't missing out. (I tried) but the kids suffered so much worse than I ever imagined. I went and still go through moments of guilt for turning their worlds upside down. I began to enjoy the times they went to their dads as I began to take that time to have quiet, spa and  recoop time. My house was clean a couple days out of the month and I was all put together enjoying life but at some point during the  year I became very lonely as my friends that were around from the beginning began to go back to their own lives. I was at a point that I began to mourn and just couldn't handle being by myself. I haven't been alone in the last 17 years and I had to finally face myself and own up to my own issues. The grass is not always greener on the othe

Its been awhile since Ive written and I have bottled so much of what has been going on and even though I know its not healthy, I always teeter with the idea of what should be public even though I consider this a journey. I haven't shared much of my journey in Jamaica and Id love to show all the photos but have restrictions on the ones with people in them particularly the children in orphanages for safety and protection. This was the second trip I have ever taken by myself without knowing anyone I went with. I drove 5 hours to Kansas City to join another handful of a group then later joined another group from Virginia making us a big group of about 29. I always find it interesting to watch the dynamics of each person from the beginning of the trip to the life long friendships and tears departing at the end of the trip and this one was no exception. I had a lot of down time and my head and heart have been spinning since. One of the youngest girls around 2 or 3 years of age was at th

I attend and follow several churches, but have three main services that I attend or watch weekly. It is rare that all three messages would have me in tears and over all different messages, but this week was one that weakened everything I had in me. Last week two of the messages were exactly the same from the same context and all, I knew at that point the spirit was speaking and have been open and receptive since. I have spent a lot of years wondering what my gifts and talents are and how I could use them. I just assumed that my giving heart and actual work traits were the gifts, but Im just not so sure that is where it begins and ends. I know that speaking in tongues is a gift and not everyone has it, but never knew what I could do with it other than freak people out so I keep it hidden hoping to not stray anyone close to me away from church because of my "weirdness". Last Sunday as I sat in the pew, I found myself praying for everyone there in the service. I also realized th

Two months...its been two months since I have written as Im pretty sure baseball season has completely taken over my life. Not one, but two in baseball as well as one in soccer has made for a very eventful few months. I have also been riding the fence with my life and dealing with the inner spirit of knowing right from wrong. I know the grace and mercy that God is, but that doesn't make living as you please ok. I have been out of the normal church routine for about six months as the weather and depression played a big part with sports activities. I am not missing the word as I have learned to watch online and listen to the podcast as well as hold out my tithe checks. I thought as long as I heard the word, Id be on track and not missing anything. I was wrong. Im thankful for the opportunity to log in and watch or listen, but there is a piece of me missing from not being in the same worship and relationship with people..... you know the warm faces that hug my neck whe

Ezekiel 36:26-27 "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you. I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws" I have spent my entire life feeling like I was never going to make it as a "church" person because I simply just cant seem to get a grip on the history, knowledge and understanding of scriptures. I have tried to memorize and study and it just doesn't stick leaving me feeling defeated and not good enough. After hearing a message from the author "The Artisan Soul", I have been refreshed and renewed. I read word for word in the book the questions that have hindered myself since I became renewed in Christ. The truth is I have many friends I grew up with that know word for word, story by story of the bible and every history point there is to make from the bible college studies they went to. I don't have that

I remember learning in school about the word entrepreneur. I learned that an entrepreneur is a visionary. I have always been a visionary and still am, but Im wondering at this point if my expectations are too high or I live in lala land thinking there is something else for me. I am always thinking, always creating and always planning but at what point do I start living those and make a legacy rather than dream about them? I feel like Im lacking substance. I have ideas of how my life will be but Im living it totally different, is it because I see the future or Im just wishin? There comes a point that you stay a visionary always having great ideas, but never see or follow them through and I think Im stuck there, but if I died tomorrow what would my legacy be? I start a lot of things but finish little. I get bored so easily and then Im looking for the next thing and moving on to the next idea. God had a purpose for me before I was even born so why do I feel like Im just going through the

It has been three years since I have chosen to live my life differently. I have had every emotion, feeling and action I could ever imagine possible. I have been on fire for God with a passion so deep it drove me and I have been in states of low depression to where I have questioned my existence and the what if I just ended my life. I am bi polar and some of it just comes with the territory, but I am also in a battle between God and Satan. I have learned so much about myself these last three years and who I am. All the matters at this point is who God says I am. I have spent my time learning about obedience and fighting to change my rebellious spirit. I have always chosen to go the opposite of whatever everyone else was doing. I am not in the trend, the in crowd or a follower, in fact majority of my life I would go out of my way to do the opposite of what was expected of me just to prove I was different and stand out. This practice has caused me some heartache through the years, and aft

Ive had so many moments where I just wanted to pour out my heart and write then life happens. I have been humbled and heartbroken at so many things its just been a rollarcoaster and not over any one topic or theme which makes it hard to write about. As I draw closer to God at this time in my life (again), I have opened my heart and mind to things I never even knew needed cleansing. I have watched the lifechurch series "Being Rich" and even though I have have traveled to many countries and seen poverty around the world it never phased me that I have a house for my cars (garage). A brick three car garage is larger than what most of the worlds families live in. I grasped that about a shed because Ive seen it with my own eyes, but somehow seemed to miss a garage that was just for my car and junk overfilled from my house. My heart broke instantly that I take for granted everyday the blessings poured out to me and even worse because I have seen world poverty. I didnt feel guilty be

I have learned a lot through facebook throughout the years about myself and other people. Ive watched myself mature as a person, business person and Christian. When I started facebook somewhere around 2008/9ish, my attitude was if you don't like what I say then dont read or friend me. I still feel that way, but the difference is I don't post every thought, reaction or frustration. Im a real person and I have bad days, but the world doesn't need to hear about it. I also learned its not right to treat other people that way and it only makes me look bad. That same time frame I didn't really care what made me look bad because I didn't care what people thought about me and to a degree I still don't but I have a different heart about it. I don't want to portray my life is perfect, but facebook became an outlet for me to express myself in ways a shy person wouldn't normally. I found a sense of humor, I found inspiration and I felt connection like never before f

As I continue to be vulnerable and burned by people and life, it makes me want to isolate myself and build walls around me even stronger to not be fooled or failed again, but the truth is God doesn't desire us to live that way. Its one of the easier said then done scenarios, but letting the enemy win is no longer an option for me because I don't live my life for me, I live it for God. For every lie there is a truth. There will always be disappointments and pain in our lives because we are living in a hurting broken world. When I visited Teen Challenge last summer, although Im in love with the program, I couldn't help but think I could turn my life around also if I was in a program that consisted of constant study and growth. If I were isolated between home and church I could do life the godly way. I even thought if I joined staff to this great program that Id be surrounded and isolated into a godly bubble and I would be where God wanted me, but that's just boot camp not

It is the New Year and resolutions are going strong. Im thinking of a new start, but not so much because of a new year per se, but my birthday is this week and Im thinking maybe its time to be a grown up. Ive been blessed enough to be self employed with multiple business and sometimes I just never know what Im going to get into each day. Since I have started working for my dad a few days a week, Im opening the office so the already dreaded alarm clock mornings, not only do I do the school routine, but also have to leave ready for work as there is no time to come home like my pampered previous routine. I tuck and roll, playing the alarm clock game to buy just five more minutes, then Ill skip the hair and makeup. Bottom line is this...I just don't care how I look and maybe I should. I was in the real estate office the other day and this woman was dressed head to toe and just looked adorable. I was in swishies, ponytail and hoody....it was 8am for goodness sake. As Im whining to my da

Growing up my parents never told us (my brother and I) any details of where we were going or what we were doing, it was just go with the flow and although I tell my kids that a lot as well, I am seeing a different inside look and it hurts my heart. Many of us have things we grew up saying when I have my kids.... Im going to or not going to do something differently than the way I grew up and sadly this was one of those things (sorry mom and dad....you were right). I was always mature for my age and just wanted to be talked to and included as a person not a child. I can see as my 14 year old craves the same, but there are some things that are just not appropriate or things beyond comprehension, so I now understand. Where I went wrong with my kids is having the best intentions of plans and telling them, then when things changed... I let them down. I have done it for years, but having your own business' isn't always what its cracked up to be. I could schedule off times but almost a