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Perseverance







Two months...its been two months since I have written as Im pretty sure baseball season has completely taken over my life. Not one, but two in baseball as well as one in soccer has made for a very eventful few months. I have also been riding the fence with my life and dealing with the inner spirit of knowing right from wrong. I know the grace and mercy that God is, but that doesn't make living as you please ok. I have been out of the normal church routine for about six months as the weather and depression played a big part with sports activities. I am not missing the word as I have learned to watch online and listen to the podcast as well as hold out my tithe checks. I thought as long as I heard the word, Id be on track and not missing anything. I was wrong. Im thankful for the opportunity to log in and watch or listen, but there is a piece of me missing from not being in the same worship and relationship with people..... you know the warm faces that hug my neck whether I want it or not and that hold me accountable. I was made to be different and accepted Christ to live as the exception yet the world sucks me in and even though Im not who or what I used to be, it still effects me, my spirit, my attitude, my words and behavior. The truth is that I see a lot of the old me showing its face and even though I know I have changed my life, apart of me misses being the old me. I know I cannot hide from God even though I can hide from the church. Then again, whats the point of hiding from the church when God is the only one who matters as far as judgement. How can things that feel so right be so wrong? And things that seem to be so wrong somehow are right? Trying to raise three boys into men has been my biggest life challenge. Being outnumbered alone is crazy in itself but three different ages, growths, interest, schedules, schools and personal developments is rough. I know how hard growing up was for me, but how do I comfort and support three boys and correct them yet give them the support and respect they need to be secure men? As Im feeling like the biggest failing single parent ever, my kids surprised me with their books they made for me for Mothers Day and I learned things from my boys perspectives on what they thought about me and my heart melted.










 
Figuring out how to keep a roof over their heads and food in their bodies has been very challenging for the last five months since I left my salary job, but God has been so faithful and we have been so blessed to sale enough homes to allow us to make it. We have all endured so many changes in the last year and when I look back all I can think about is the fact that I caused this by walking out of my marriage and how its impacted my family. I ruined these boys whole worlds and trying to move forward has been so hard for all of us, but we are almost at the one year mark and we have pushed through and continue to make a bit of normal each and every day. Just when Satan starts with his chatterbox in my head and defeats me, I get the books above saying what the kids truly feel about me. Isnt it interesting that things that seem to be so wrong turn out to be so right. I can see that my actions and words impact these kids more than I ever knew and just when I feel unappreciated my kids noticed that I work hard for our family so I know they notice the fact that we haven't been to church in over 6 months. Just because Im hearing the word isn't enough, my kids not only need to hear it but also see it by example as well. When we make God a priority then he makes us one, I cant be down that life isn't going so well when Im choosing not to follow him in obedience. Its time to stop being a rock and trying to have strength that I just don't and start streaming through to get to the rivers and oceans that are awaiting for me to fulfill my purpose.
 
"In the confrontation between the stream and the rock, the stream always wins- not because of strength but by perseverance".....H. Jackson Brown

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