Broken empty promises

Growing up my parents never told us (my brother and I) any details of where we were going or what we were doing, it was just go with the flow and although I tell my kids that a lot as well, I am seeing a different inside look and it hurts my heart. Many of us have things we grew up saying when I have my kids.... Im going to or not going to do something differently than the way I grew up and sadly this was one of those things (sorry mom and dad....you were right). I was always mature for my age and just wanted to be talked to and included as a person not a child. I can see as my 14 year old craves the same, but there are some things that are just not appropriate or things beyond comprehension, so I now understand. Where I went wrong with my kids is having the best intentions of plans and telling them, then when things changed... I let them down. I have done it for years, but having your own business' isn't always what its cracked up to be. I could schedule off times but almost always something would go wrong, an employee would call in leaving us short or a relocation would fly in. My kids and husband hated when my phone rang and although I saw it as money for us to be able to do things it meant whatever we had scheduled would be cancelled and the looks on my kids faces and the strain on marriage just broke my heart. We made some changes and later found balance with work but still have those tendencies...."when this house closes we will go skiing in Colorado" then the house deal falls apart or something happens with bills and I continually let them down. I think we are all so busy that we over promise and under achieve, but what message are we sending to our children? What are we teaching our children and more importantly what are we teaching them about self worth and future relationships? I always felt my kids were resilient and they are, but Ive created inside of them that promises mean nothing, my word means nothing, that disappointment is just apart of life and that people who claim to love you can say one thing and do another and its ok.....its NOT ok. I have hurt them in a way that they will carry it on to their future relationships and that is NOT OK. Generational sin and hurt stops with me! I don't ever want my kids thinking my work, money and time is more important than them. I grew up that way, never wanted my children to feel it, yet I have done it trying to create a better life for them just as my parents did for me. Amazing the things we see differently about our parents after we become parents. What I find even sadder is that I had to learn this lesson the hard way, by being let down time and time again with empty broken promises of  men. "I wanted to get this or do this for you but I couldn't afford I or do it"  and although the thought should count, it did the first couple times but over and over began to leave a wound that I was not as important or a priority to the excuse and that's how my children are feeling not only by me, but also that same spouse so both parents. I am truly broken hearted over this light shine. I have become so immune to the word "Im sorry" that it has no meaning because the people behind it have used it so many times on so many things only to repeat behavior over and over. "Im sorry but I love you" is the worst thing anybody can say to me, because I learned that any behavior can happen and expected to be excused with those words. I have decided that I don't want that kind of love. I want the kind of love that doesn't have to say sorry for anything because they love me enough to not do and say things that would hurt me to begin with. Don't tell me your going to do something then not, it lashes and scars more than anyone can know and yet as I have that feeling of betrayal, hurt, resentment and anger along with a self worth of nothing because I wasn't worth protecting.....I passed it on to my own kids. OUCH more than the bold letters! I will change things in my household from here on out and focus on making my kids know they are loved not by my words that have no meaning to them but buy my actions and changed behavior. Actions do speak louder than words but so does inaction. The most important part of this is that it changes, which is hard to do for those who are repeatedly let down themselves, but there is good news! Our God, our redeemer,  God over all of everything will never fail me and never let me down. His words and promises are true, every single one of them. I will not continue to live this way, I will stand on Gods promises. My heart has been given to the ONE (A majestic mighty KING) who is the keeper and will protect it with great sensitivity, compassion and love for the tender heart that it is. The best part is that by keeping it safe, he also purifies it and helps it strengthen and grow. I am thankful that when I seek God and ask for my heart to be searched that I can clearly see and hear him speaking to me. I want to live unselfishly in a world that is selfish, I want a different kind of life therefore I have to make changes and do things differently than before. Hallelujah for breakthrough, healing and restoration. Thank God for making us "overcomers by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony". May my future words and promises be of truth and love just as Christ loves us and followed through by being unselfish and compassionate to the tender hearts of others.