Yea mon

Its been awhile since Ive written and I have bottled so much of what has been going on and even though I know its not healthy, I always teeter with the idea of what should be public even though I consider this a journey. I haven't shared much of my journey in Jamaica and Id love to show all the photos but have restrictions on the ones with people in them particularly the children in orphanages for safety and protection. This was the second trip I have ever taken by myself without knowing anyone I went with. I drove 5 hours to Kansas City to join another handful of a group then later joined another group from Virginia making us a big group of about 29. I always find it interesting to watch the dynamics of each person from the beginning of the trip to the life long friendships and tears departing at the end of the trip and this one was no exception. I had a lot of down time and my head and heart have been spinning since. One of the youngest girls around 2 or 3 years of age was at the orphanage because her mother was beheaded by her father in front of her a couple months ago. I just wanted to bring her home. There were several others at another orphanage that were brought because their villages had gotten so bad that the government had taken over and about 800 people were killed, these kids became orphans in the violence. These kids were rougher and tougher than all the other places I had been as they had been trained to kill and fight as child soldiers. They were angry and hurt understandable so, but if they aren't redirected they will grow up to be no different than where they came from. They need structure discipline, chores and education. They need affection and love shown compassion and mercy. These homes are providing that as well as food, clothing and shelter. The people that run these places are angels and I have so much respect for them giving up their own lives and providing for these other children. They need help though, it takes more than one couple to raise these children with morals, values and manners. Everytime the children were handed things or even took upon themselves with or without permission they were making weapons and fighting. It showed me more than ever how children model their surroundings. I was convicted pretty hard of the way I have been living as I know the difference between right and wrong. I debated whether to take the trip or not as I just didn't feel right with God. I read five books on the trip and they all at some point related to the prodigal son including the message on Sunday at church. We split into two groups going to two churches and of course the one I was assigned to had the same message. Although it was the same story, I saw it from a few different perspectives based on the source I was hearing it from. The truth is I have backed off from God because I know I haven't been living the way I should and felt wrong about going to church or being in a leadership role or example. I cant feel like people are looking up to someone I am really not being, it just doesn't sit well internally and a lot of it is Satans lies. The truth is no matter what I have done or how far I have strayed, the father clothes me in a robe, ring and sandals when he sees me coming towards him. I have been eating from the pigs trough thinking I had no place at the fathers table and yet he greets me with open arms and a celebration feast upon my presence. The grace and love of the father is unfailing. I was more worried about the lies fed and the response of the rest of "the family" that it kept me away. I questioned what I was doing there and why I was going when I wasn't right with God and I was embraced by every team member as me being me where I was at and who I was. I have never been treated by strangers that just embraced me instead of staring me up and down and judging. The people I teamed up with had their own stories of life, but they all had mercy, grace and Gods love in them.....every single person in a group that large it was phenomenal and it gave me hope. Although I did not have a strong bond with Jamaica itself, I learned through it and had the opportunity to do some work projects to help out around the orphanage that we stayed at. We didn't have water for about 3 days as the system had a leak (several). We had many disadvantages than some other trips, but the group was united and we made it through without any issues and many advantages as well....they are all so different. I ate my share of chicken and rice for the next year, but Im not complaining as it was the most I have ever eaten on a missions trip :)) The truth is the actual physical arrangements are not very important to me and always remembering that our hosts always go above and beyond for us and we are always provided with much more than they have as they give us their very best and its so humbling to witness. The experience and the people were all pretty amazing! With each trip a little piece of me is left and although any project I have done is minor compared to what needs to be done or has already been done, Im glad that God has given me the talents, gifts and opportunities to be able to see his grace, mercy and love anywhere in the world I am. Ive said it before that no matter what language, every where I go "Hallelujah" remains universal and I just love the worship and spirit that is witnessed when there is no time limit on church. There was an alter call for people wanting to accept Christ and we were pulled to the front to pray for those that came. A lady came in front of me and I completely panicked. Everyone has their specialties and this part is clearly not mine. I really hope that lady's name is written in the book when she gets to heaven because Im pretty sure I completely jacked up her salvation. I keep thinking I will just stick to the construction projects that is my ministry but it just never happens that way. To be honest it questioned my entire being. How can I be a Christian but not be able to open my mouth and share Christ with others. That is what we are supposed to do, but maybe in different ways. Mine clearly isn't by speaking or relational so I keep thinking by being there and doing is my way of serving and sharing by example. I cant decide if my theory is correct or Im completely wrong and still just not getting it seeing how I run into some type of this with every trip. I was at a moment of missions may just not be for me even though my heart is there. Was that from Satan or an aha moment of clarity. I really am not sure. Im supposed to head back to Haiti for the third time in October, but Im not so sure its a good idea if Im missing the very concept of what missions are or maybe I get the concept I just don't fit there. So conflicted to my very core and it goes further. I am a lost sheep not only in my life, but now in Christ. My heart says whatever and wherever Lord, but my life doesnt seem to reflect it. I have literally been sick since I have returned about three weeks now to the point of not getting out of bed. I am very confused, embarrassed and hurt for the way I have treated God. I have made it to church each week since Ive been back, but it just doesn't feel the same. I know the spirit is still with me as I can still pray in tongues but I just feel so empty. It is up to me to make the change from the trough to the fathers table but the journey is exhausting. I know it is worth it and that amazing things are to come. Its time to get back on my journey. I always look for the lessons along my way and missions have taught me so much, I am so thankful and blessed for these opportunities.