One year later

Its been a year since Ive been on my own and the emotions have been up and down. When I first moved out I was basically pumped with adrenaline of the move, taking care of business and busy recreating an environment for the kids so they weren't missing out. (I tried) but the kids suffered so much worse than I ever imagined. I went and still go through moments of guilt for turning their worlds upside down. I began to enjoy the times they went to their dads as I began to take that time to have quiet, spa and recoop time. My house was clean a couple days out of the month and I was all put together enjoying life but at some point during the  year I became very lonely as my friends that were around from the beginning began to go back to their own lives. I was at a point that I began to mourn and just couldn't handle being by myself. I haven't been alone in the last 17 years and I had to finally face myself and own up to my own issues. The grass is not always greener on the other side, even if you spend time fertilizing your own yard. It takes two people equally giving 150% heart, soul and commitment. I have spent more of my year in bed at home alone. I lost my desire to do anything or be around anyone. I have let my house, self, relationships and work go. Then I got mad at myself as this is not me. My kids seem to have adjusted better than I but when they start to act up, I am outnumbered and the bigger they get the more difficult it has been. The truth is, as I have begin to pour myself back into God (yes, I said back) I have begin to rediscover the design for marriage and Im back into realizing that I stepped out on my own and out of Gods will for marriage and family. I should have taken my heart and poured more into God instead of running away trying to shut down the pain I was experiencing from the past. I wanted to get back to the time when I was the happiest and that time was when I discovered God 4 years ago at which I happened to be divorced. I learned Gods design for marriage and relationships and what my role was as a woman, wife and mother in a Godly way and thought since I changed that things would be different if I went back and tried again and they were for awhile till past hurts tormented me to the point of ending it again only to go through the guilt of destroying my family again. Another failure in my life. I tried to fill in by dating and starting over, but my ex husband and children decided they were never going to let me be happy for what I did to them and a year later they have not only made it clear but demonstrated it as they seem to run off any interest I may have. I recently decided that I need to keep pursuing God and that is all I need to be concerned with and when another comes along doing the same thing and the timing is right maybe things will be different. I don't want to be someone elses' happiness or world, I want them to be so much into seeking God  that they wouldn't put anything in jeopardy of the relationship with Him, but I also want to be that same partner for someone else. I know God could have changed my marriage, but at that time I was hurting so bad I didn't want him to. I was selfish and I regret it. The hurt I have caused haunts me every day. My kids are at a point where their hurt has turned into anger and the words that come out of their mouths have deeply pierced my heart. Some of it is hurt and anger, some of it is hormones (ugh). I cant divorce my kids for hurting me like I have my husband, but here is something that I have learned through this storm.....My son can pierce my heart and bring me to tears for hours with a few words and look at me a couple hours later and apologize asking for forgiveness. "Will you please forgive me mommy" from a seven year old is another tear jerking emotion. Of course, how could I not? I love him so much that even though he deeply pierced my heart and brought me to tears...it is over and done. Why do I extend that kind of grace, mercy and love to my seven year old but not my husband?  Here is another aha moment Ive had..... forgiveness is true love and God has that true love for us. We continue to break his heart with the way we choose to live and the decisions we make, but when we realize we were wrong and come to him, he forgives us and its gone forever. No bitterness, no throwing back in our faces, no sarcasm.... its gone. If we are to be like him then we are to love like him, after all God is love. As I have searched for true love all these years and looked for the "happily after ever" I have failed to comprehend that I already have it..... with God. Now that I have learned what true love  is, I can grow and nurture my relationship with him and keep seeking all he has planned for me. I know we will get through this as a family, and how blessed I am to have the relationship I do with my ex husband. He has extended and demonstrated what love is by continuing to love me even through the pain I have caused him and our family. To think I learned a lesson of true love from him when he was the very person I ran from is ironic and it reminds me of the story of  Hosea. Life is a journey, we live and we learn. I cannot go back and change things and I really wouldn't want to if I had the chance, however I have learned many life lessons the hard way and this is no exception. Divorce and being single isn't what its cracked up to be and the adrenaline of new wears off. The "friends" and fun you use as a filler will eventually catch up and leave you feeling more empty than you were before. The new "relationships" you have will leave you in tears wondering why you ever left HOME to begin with. If you don't heal and fix the roots of the issues that you bury deep inside they will follow you and carry into every relationship you try to have and more damage will follow each relationship there after. Take time for yourself. Take time to speak and listen to the spirit, take time to heal, learn and mature. I was asked by another woman last week for any advice I could give her as her husband left her for another woman. She was left with her home and babies and the shock and hurt of it all. She was in survivor mode for her kids but angry, hurt, confused, all the normal feelings of deception. My only advice was "Don't make a permanent decision based on a temporary feeling or emotion". She will go up and down daily until she deals with the hurt. Chances are she will try to fill the void of her hurt before she actually deals with and works through the hurt. I wish I had taken the time to work on myself before reacting. Again, all I can do is learn from it, but I hope someone reading this searches deeper within themselves and God before uprooting. I am hurting, I am struggling with my decisions, choices and children even a year later and life is hard. Working four jobs and raising three boys that always slap you with "its not enough" is not easy. Im judged by other parents and my kids for dropping off my kids to practice or a game, but nobody realizes I have three kids in sports that have to be at three different locations at the same time and there is only one of me. Every morning and afternoon is three different schools, two different cities and Im looked down on by school officials for always running late. My kids give the school employees sad sob stories that they are hungry and didn't have anything to eat because they failed to get out of bed when I wake them up and had no time for breakfast or didn't like what we had at the house. If they don't like what we have for lunched to pack they "forget" their lunch and the school wont let them learn the same lessons we learned as kids and they even bill me for it. What is that teaching our kids? My kids are upset that  Im not at home some nights watching tv alone while they scatter to play with friends or electronics, but what they fail to realize is running four business' on my own has responsibility and if the work doesn't get done we don't eat. People look at me for barely standing upright in the mornings not realizing I had been up all night getting a house ready for someone to move into so we can make the house payment. When I grew up, it wasn't an option to help our parents, it was our family responsibility and because I didn't want my kids to grow up like me this is what I get. I don't ask or get child support as these are my three kids and I will take on however many jobs I need to make it work, but I don't deserve the judgements from people around me and definitely not from my kids that run their mouths that so and sos mom is divorced and they have nicer things and go places and such. Im just trying to keep gas in my car to run them around and food in their stomachs and a roof over their heads. It hurts. It deeply hurts. A family unit is a support unit and when you don't have the other half for whatever reason, raising a family with morals and values in a corrupt world is challenging.The truth is I have great kids, but they treat me different than their dads and other people. They absolutely disrespect me when its just us and have from a small age when dad wasn't around. Im tired and exhausted from arguing and battling my children daily, keeping up with house work, their school work, their practices and games, etc. Im alone and very empty. The holidays are coming back around and I only dread them, its not how life is supposed to be. I don't need compassion or a hand out, but judging me by what is only seen is a sad place to be in when one couldn't possibly understand what being a single mother is like. I have asked God to search my heart and make it right. I have a deeper understanding of love by witnessing HIS love for me and my kids have taught me so much through all this pain. I thank God for opening his arms every time I come back and hope that I don't keep leaving and coming back but rather stay with him by my side all the time. I am highly favored and not deserving of any of it.  I know I keep running from him as he never leaves us. Im a work in progress. I don't want a restart button (it would be broken and burnt out by now), I want to keep building my story and continue on this journey we call life. I am a child of God and no weapon formed against me shall prosper. This is life and Im in his hands, time to stop fighting so hard and let go.

* If your looking for a great relationship book read the new Francis and Lisa Chan book " You and me Forever"