I have never had that great of relationship with my dad. We both were divorced at the same time about 12 years ago and I needed money so I started working for him and one thing let to another and I ended up needing to move in with him for financial reasons. He was all alone and I did the cooking and cleaning so it just kind of worked out at that time. I slowly began to work more and more with my dad through the years and have gotten to know him. It appears that somehow we became two peas in a pod. I spent majority of my life resenting him for his ways and it turns out that Im just like him and the trouble I have had with relationships with people is because I was doing the exact same thing to them as he did to me that I hated so much (it's a personality thing) nothing major. The thing is that its not public relationships and acquaintances but our closest relationships that we seem to destroy with our stubborness, pride and control. I spent so much time trying to not be like my dad that I kind of just disappeared determined to be my own person and have my own career and name for myself and my own family. As my kids continue to grow and life moves forward I find it interesting that Im learning why he did what he did and once again find myself mirroring my dad, but this time is different. Im to a point where Im thinking why is it such a bad thing? My dad is not a bad person, he means well, he is smart, he is successful so clearly he has done some things right and maybe I could learn from him instead of fighting head to head and pulling away like I do from everyone else that gets close to me. His teaching me registers to me that I must be messing up just can't do anything right and it's the way he does it just irks me but I have learned I treated my husband the same way without even knowing it. I have grown a deeper understanding of him and a respect for him that I've never had. Ive been looking for ways to run when my heart is telling me to stay and accept it. The truth is I have never wanted to be handed things in life, I wanted to earn them. I dont want to fall under the "Vines" name as a trust fund baby with a silver spoon, I just want to carry on the family name when the time is right. I love what my family has done for the community and continues to do everyday and Im ready to stop fighting to be my own person and stop worrying what everybody else thinks of me and do the honorable thing by respecting my father enough to appreciate that he feels confident in me enough to carry on the family name and traditions. Even though my dad will never actually say anything like that, he really has already in his actions. Another heartbreak as I question all the bitterness I had in my heart for money and my dad all these years and yet he was just creating a life for himself and the family after him, who was I to be so selfish to think I was wronged or cheated out of a childhood because we had work to do or because my stepmom who hated us raised us so my dad could work to provide this someday, yet all this time I grew up thinking he didnt want me, I wasnt good enough for his attention, I was in the way, so I kept perfecting myself trying to do better hoping that one day my dad would love me and all along he did. The bondage that has been lifted out of me is great and I see with new eyes how it all is falling into place and how it works with Gods plans for me and the things he created me to do and be. I have bawled my eyes out for weeks that I spent 34 years in resentment and bitterness because of my immaturity and selfishness. My heart is changing, my mind is changing and my soul is changing. It hurts that I cannot get that time back, it hurts that I spent my whole life looking for approval from people including men because I never got it at home and I end up in bad situations and relationships because I did not honor or respect myself enough for lack of love. I just sucked up whoever could fill that void and for three years now, God has filled the void the only one in your life that can and my life has just completely changed. If I could save someone else from years of pain that I went through and the lies I had believed from Satan, then my life will be a success. I cant take away those years in the dark and I wouldnt necessarily want to because they have made me who I am today but the message I have is to be shared with anyone who wants to save themselves 34 years of heartache from just not knowing the truth and the light and the life that God brings. I not only had to let go of those feelings and hurt towards my dad but then had to work through the forgiveness of myself.
Just when you think Im crazy, let me tell you there is more I have been dealing with. With these breakthroughs I have spend many extra hours working and also in bed. I have not had the freedom to enjoy life yet as Im still in bed battling depression. My mind and heart is lightning up but my body is just too tired to move. I am at the end of this episode (bi polar) and Im grateful but Im still torn with marriage. I know that guilt is not from God, but I also live in a relationship with God and with that comes a very powerful holy spirit inside of me and Im so convicted of divorce that Im sick...literally sick. I know that torment is not from God and I believe that Satan would not torment me to put my marriage back together unless he knew that it is a dead end for me and my life with God seems to stay in a freeze when I am in the marriage I have been in for 12 years. Other than that its conviction of what is right and what is wrong. I have learned what marriage means to God after the fact, and I have learned what marriage was created to be after the fact, I also know that if I gave it to God he could restore and heal my marriage. I just dont want it. In fact, I will take this a step further....the signs that Im going in the wrong direction are so BOLDLY in front of me that my divorce attorneys office burned...literally. Who can say its taken two months to file for a divorce and in the process the attorneys office burned down? Another sign? Strong to me, but where do I go from here? I do not want to be in that marriage with that man for reasons that would never make since to anyone else nor would I ever pour that out and disrespect him in that way. I am not showing my spouse or family or world what a Godly person behaves like in marriage, Ive been selfish and self righteous which is not of God. I am admitting that I should not have walked away but Im also not willing to go back. What kind of testimony is that to anyone?As I watch marriage series of Church on the Move and Lifechurch, I am once again bawling my eyes out that I am disappointing God and that I hurt him. My heart is broken that I failed God by not honoring my vows. I understood them this time when I took them and still threw them away. Someone close to me told me she stays married because God has told her too. For years I thought that was the stupidest thing I have ever heard, she has been unhappy for years but stays married because God told her to. I have to be honest, I understand now. I clearly hear the same thing, and to add to the very real story....her husband is starting to change and seek God something she has prayed for years. I know God is all about answering prayers sometimes 20, 30, 40 years later and we will be honored by our faithfulness, but I just dont have it in me to stick it out waiting, hoping and praying. There goes the chatterbox as Steven Furticks new book "Crashing the chatterbox" describes it. The feelings and thoughts that circle our minds and most of the time destroy us. The fact that Im convicted of the right thing yet doing the wrong thing is pure defiance and sin. I cannot be blessed for purposely living in sin. Where do you go with that? I am so lost. I think its because Im not filed or final at the point that I sway, if things were to progress and finalize then I could move on, but the limbo of it all just craters me.
Questioning my faith and my relationship with God over a decision or choice Ive made is really not who or what God is about and I know Im not alone. I read a TIME article on Mother Teresa and read her journal entries of lost hope and desperation and questioned her relationship with God also. Its comforting to see that someone who impacted the world so much with her life demonstrating Gods love of people had so much inner torment going on within her. In Steven Furticks Chatterbox book he said "Inner conflict is often a confirmation of your calling. The enemy only fights those who pose a threat". I have had so much inner conflict about my life and my future that I literally am drained. I feel the angel on a shoulder and the devil on a shoulder and my insides are in a state of confusion which speaks clearly in itself. Confusion is from Satan he is the author of lies and confusion and has come to kill, steal and destroy what God has for me and it is with everything I have in my soul and heart that I want to protect it with my shield, breastplate and body armor of God. At this time I am seeking God, I am drawing closer to him to hear his truths to cancel out every lie that is being fed to me. I will replace every lie with a truth until my chatterbox (mind) can only bring positive light to my life, it will take time to replace 34 years of garbage and the fact that I choose to honor God will always make me a target for Satan to attack, but I am an overcomer by the blood of the Lamb and the words of my/his testimony. Thanks for riding, please exit to your right.
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