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The rebel in me

It has been three years since I have chosen to live my life differently. I have had every emotion, feeling and action I could ever imagine possible. I have been on fire for God with a passion so deep it drove me and I have been in states of low depression to where I have questioned my existence and the what if I just ended my life. I am bi polar and some of it just comes with the territory, but I am also in a battle between God and Satan. I have learned so much about myself these last three years and who I am. All the matters at this point is who God says I am. I have spent my time learning about obedience and fighting to change my rebellious spirit. I have always chosen to go the opposite of whatever everyone else was doing. I am not in the trend, the in crowd or a follower, in fact majority of my life I would go out of my way to do the opposite of what was expected of me just to prove I was different and stand out. This practice has caused me some heartache through the years, and after my episode in Africa where I completely fumbled with my attitude and learned a lesson of obedience, I gave myself (once again) completely to God. I have since then learned respect and obedience of what God asks of me regardless of how I feel or what I think. My life is truly not about me. I have (ok, ok God has) spent the last year working on cleansing and transforming my heart (more of my heart), but to my surprise I learned another valuable lesson. My mother always told me how strong and independent I was and growing up it didn't work in our favor; however, she always said she always knew she didn't have to worry about me because I couldn't be influenced, I was very independent and had no problem voicing my opinions and standing up for what I believed in. I could not be swayed into what was popular, I was (am) my own person with my own mind. I had to learn to break that behavior when I became a Christian or so I thought....what I needed to break was my heart and attitude but not necessarily my rebellion, you see I spent my whole life thinking "church" people were just judgemental, boring people. The closer I get to God and learn his value system and heart, I learned that Christians just have a different way of living. I need my rebellion to keep me in his word following him rather than just following how the world lives. If I lived like everybody else, I wouldn't be different and if Im not different than how can I be a "Christian" aka" Christ follower". To keep my covenants with God, I need to be rebellious not in my attitude but in my ways of life. Turns out rebelliousness might not be so bad for me after all, I just need to channel it in the right direction. When people are asked what they like about me, my independence almost always comes up. Id like to say Im just a free spirit but God uses it to help me stay close to him. All the Christian "rules" I grew up thinking were stupid and ridiculous I am now embracing. I think its kinda funny but in reality it shows my growth and maturity in Christ. I feel bad for thinking the way I did and I hate that Im a "late bloomer" on some of these views especially with dating, sex, entertainment, music, language, values in relationships, respect, clothing......well really everything. I view the world differently now and the things in it. I have become "one of them". They were not judgemental after all (well...most of them still are) but they just lived under a different law and I choose to go against the world and rebel into a different calling for my life. It feels good to be free, it doesn't matter what other people think. My stubbornness and fear of failure will keep me on the righteous path and Im excited to experience all the adventures that the path holds for me. Im now a wordly rebel that leads me straight to Gods heart and Im loving it. 

"Do not conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you prove what is good and well pleasing and perfect" Romans 12

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