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Vision of what

I remember learning in school about the word entrepreneur. I learned that an entrepreneur is a visionary. I have always been a visionary and still am, but Im wondering at this point if my expectations are too high or I live in lala land thinking there is something else for me. I am always thinking, always creating and always planning but at what point do I start living those and make a legacy rather than dream about them? I feel like Im lacking substance. I have ideas of how my life will be but Im living it totally different, is it because I see the future or Im just wishin? There comes a point that you stay a visionary always having great ideas, but never see or follow them through and I think Im stuck there, but if I died tomorrow what would my legacy be? I start a lot of things but finish little. I get bored so easily and then Im looking for the next thing and moving on to the next idea. God had a purpose for me before I was even born so why do I feel like Im just going through the day to day motions to just make it through the day and to the next. I don't believe God created my life to be survival mode my entire life. International missions has my heart but circumstances and timing is just not right yet, but the rest of my life is foggy. I also have to realize that getting there is my motivation to do what I do every day the avenue in which will get me to my ultimate. Its not like I have to know it all play by play, but Im thinking at 34 you might have a direction in mind that your going rather than in circles. I feel crazy, worn down and tired. Theres no excitement, no passion, no enjoyment just survival mode living paycheck to paycheck just getting by. There has to be more for me than that, there just has to. Im not the type to want more or have things handed to me, Id just like to know what Im supposed to be doing so I don't lay on my deathbed whenever the time comes and realize I wasted my life away and since tomorrow isn't promised, Im already behind. I want to leave a legacy to my kids that will be instilled in them forever. Im afraid if I died tonight in my sleep that my kids would remember me by always getting mad and always working, heartbreaking but true. My job would say I had so much potential but never let myself get there. My dad would say well, she tried hard but never quite made it at anything. My ex husbands would say  I never learned to love and had commitment issues because of my insecurities and hurts. What kind of life am I living to have everyone that I care about most say those things about me but acquaintances would say I had a great heart and always did good deeds helping others. What does any of this say about me? Is it my age and the time of my life Im in? If I died tomorrow that means I never lived fully for what God designed me to be, I missed the mark and didn't even know it because I don't know what Im supposed to be doing. A couple years ago I wasn't even willing to let control of my life and now Im on my face asking God what it is he wants of me so I can do it and Ive been in this holding pattern continually seeking. Who am I? I am an entrepreneur of three business' but yet time allows me to manage and maintain them not grow them. I keep working more to keep things going and Im tired, how long does this go on and what does it all mean? I envision my life one way and Im living another and wonder if its all just a dream to strive for or am I seeing where Ill be someday or am I just needing a reason to get out of bed? My biggest fear is getting to the end of my life and looking back realizing that I missed my life because I was too busy trying to make it. I keep saying to myself that there has to more also keeping in mind the saying, "Your life is what you make it". I choose to make it fulfilled, but more importantly I choose to honor God with my life. That doesn't mean Im not human, please don't make me out  to fail at being what you think a Christian should be. I am just me learning, growing and going through stages of life. Im not looking to cross off a life list to heaven, Im looking to create something that keeps going after I do in HIS name. I remember reading through the purpose driven life and the part that changed my life was the question "what do you treasure most' I went naming things that had meaning to me, none of it included friends, family, marriage or kids. I knew then that my purpose had to change and with that was a mind change and heart change and my life no longer became about money and I haven't starved yet.  I know that God gave me a purpose when he gave my three baby boys to me to be their mom and to raise them. I know God gave me purpose growing up working on rent houses when I started joining construction teams for missions. I know God gave me purpose when I get cards, hugs and thank yous for being apart of peoples lives trusting me with their families to find them homes and look out for their needs and gave me a heart to do it above my own needs and wants. I know God gave me purpose when he strategically placed some of my relationships with others before me, as each relationship is complex in its own. I know God gave me purpose when he made me strong willed and stubborn to not be led astray from him. I know God gave me purpose when he blessed me with homes to provide and manage for other people and their households. I know that there are greater things ahead. I know God gave me purpose when he put compassion to help people in my heart. I know God gave me a purpose when he gave me a voice and courage to stand up for those that cant for themselves. I am so blessed and thankful for what God has provided and shown me, Im excited to see what is to come. May it all be for the kingdom of God and not about me, but through me living out the purpose I was made and at the end of it all hearing "well done, my good and faithful servant" that is the plan the details are to be continued.

"I have come that they may have life, and to the fullest" John 10:10

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