Shattered

I had this title reserved in August and named it "Scattered" as I wanted to write about how people are moving all the time and have brief encounters with people each and every minute of the day. I wanted to write about the divine appointments God sets up for us yet how many opportunities we miss because we are too busy focusing on ourselves, our routines and our lives. It came to me as I was in the airport that all those people under one roof, one plane and then scatter around the world in just a matter of minutes or hours. I am one of those people that always look for the "whys".  I tend to look for the sign or message in everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) to the point of being over analytical trying to make things match up. Its not the best trait to have, but it has saved me many times from a wrong path. People come and go for seasons in our lives. I have a hard time warming up and a hard time letting go especially without the "whys" leaving me shattered (hence the new title). I don't know why I take it so personally that people come and go but in the end I am left internally shattered questioning "whats wrong with me". It has been said," if you keep getting the same results then maybe you need to do something different" but without closure or explanations Im not sure where I go wrong. I know I push people away when they get too close, but those that work through that I tend to find a vulnerability with and once my walls come down its as if they go in for the kill. Why spend the time breaking me down and peeling back layers to bail when you get to the heart? I know the challenge probably has to do with it concerning guys, but this happens with my girl relationships also. I am left with holes in my heart and at one time in my life I searched for anything to fill those holes. Throughout the years, I  have learned only God can mend those holes. It doesn't mean I wont tear, it just means he will mend them when it happens. The holidays are coming back around and as people are making plans, I just cant help but reflect on the last year. I am exactly where I was this time last year. Where did another year go and how many opportunities have I missed by keeping my head down?  Its a cold, lonely, broken, empty feeling to be alone. It looks like I wont have my kids again this year as they have other family traditions to attend to, but I can only brace for what is to come. The weather is getting colder and it gets dark early. My natural tendency is to hibernate and let myself internally just die. I have dropped every committee and organization I have been apart of for years over the last year. I just cant seem to make it out of my house. I watch church online and bury myself in work. There has to be more to life than this. Why does my heart hurt so bad? I don't need a partner in life to be happy, but dating is devastatingly detrimental to my well being. My soul has been crushed repeatedly with lies and deception. Am I not worth truth? Am I not worth true love? Am I not worth respect? I give everything I have. Maybe this is karma for all the people I have hurt, but all it does is rehash all those thoughts and feelings making me feel worse. I know God is healer and I know he loves the brokenhearted. It just seems like when Im up everybody wants to come around and when Im down there is nobody to be found. I know people are busy, but it just seems so awkward to be someones whole world at one time then not even a thought in their mind like overnight. People have always disappeared out of my life, I cannot believe it still phases me. In fact, at one point it didn't. I was cold and heartless for a good 15 year period. I thought it worked out great, but God had another plan and he softened me into a pile of mush. I have literally cried more in the last four years of Christianity than my entire life combined. I have emotions and feelings....who knew? I feel like the movies "The Proposal" or "The Devil Wears Prada" where successful women who were known to be tough in the workplace were just assumed to not have any emotions or feelings, yet we see these women "try" or "soften". Im guarded because I have been hurt and there was a time in my life that I decided I would never let anyone hurt me again and I think it worked out well for me. Again, God had another plan. I feel like I could write psalms right now with the pouring out of my heart and emotions. I am trusting God in this time of hurt and confusion. I want to look up again and find reasons to change someone elses journey or path just by my words, or touch or smile.  I think people can have a domino effect for the positive and/or negative. What would it be like if we domino effected love, happiness and joy. It all starts with one person aware of their surroundings and it scatters from there. We could make a huge difference if we did it once but think about everyday at work, at home, or out in the community. I want to turn my shattered heart into a beacon of light and scatter it to anyone I come in contact with. A redefined purpose and fresh new start. If all I have is a broken heart in this world, I must be doing something right. Moving forward. Lord, let my heart break for the things of you instead of this world. This world has nothing for me.