Skip to main content

Refresh

I know what I have written the last year has been like a Psalm pouring out my inner heart and cries, but at some point things have to turn around. I cant live in this place of paralyzing depression ( Im starting to feel like a Taylor Swift blog). My kids deserve more and I need to get over myself and take up my cross. My 11 year old son is having trouble at school with another boy over a girl. His dad and I have taken the approach to him that the girl is not worth him if she cant decide who she wants to be with. He deserves someone who chooses him, not someone he has to fight for and convince. This other boy has been bullying him with his cell phone and at school in the cafeteria at lunch and so on. My heart breaks for him that hes going through this over a girl and in the 5th grade. I see how young and honest and pure his heart is and it crushes me that at this age hes struggling with this. He has so much life to live and this boy and girl are consuming him and valuing his self worth. It saddens me. I thought back to when I was his age and I remember doing the same thing. The feelings are real and these circumstances are setting an internal value on him. It bothers me that I have not set a stronger value system within him and that the promises of God are not stronger in him then the lies of this world. I had an "aha" moment when I realized at 34 years old Im going through the same thing. Why would I let any guy consume me and my heart instead of standing on the promises of God. This is the realization I had.....we spend our entire lives looking and trying to be the perfect mate. We alter who we are and who we were to become because our focus is looking for a partner and having somebody to be with. We mold ourselves and justify our morals, standards and behaviors trying to make it work with someone we want to be with. Elementary school, jr high, high school, college, career and after are all sidetracked looking to be loved and finding a partner or having a boyfriend/girlfriend. Why? Why do we feel we need someone at all times to be worthy? Think about it, it doesn't even end with marriage. Our lives then continue on how to keep our person or wishing we had another person. We have an obsession with needing someone to occupy our time. If we aren't blissful happy, we are miserable or living the hamster wheel of making it work. Is it ever about us and what our journey and purpose or path was supposed to be? Think about it.....if you look back through your life how much of it was with a somebody in your life whether happy or sad, how much of your time was spent with or pursuing or running away or even just tolerating the opposite sex? How much of it was with God asking for him to guide and bless your path? How much of it was spent waiting on Him to decide the timing and the mission....your mission. My married friends are miserable, my single friends are miserable all because they want a person or a different person but why are we losing ourselves at the expense of another person. Do you think that perhaps if we were individuals on our own maybe two of us could balance each out instead of two people trying to make the other happy losing themselves in the process and then blaming that very person for our own downfalls? Relationships and marriage are supposed to be beautiful, but I think we take matters into our own hands and do things how we want, with who we want when we want and wonder why its not blessed. Gods design is perfect, who wouldn't want that? I want my boys to learn to live life according to Gods purpose for them and to be all they can be and when the timing is right, God will enhance it with a partner. I have to be the example. I cant tell them, I have to show them. My opportunities might be limited as Ive wasted this much time going the wrong way, but they aren't obsolete, however; my kids have a clean path. I know I cant control their paths, but I know I can leave an impression in their hearts of who they are as children of God and realize it wont be easy as they go to school with the world. I love that their hearts are experiencing love and I want to protect them from what is to come but sometimes we need experiences and as a parent that is hard to witness. I also know that God is my father and what Im going through breaks his heart. I also know that I chose to do things my way and when you go against God there will be consequences. The fact that I sacrificed my beliefs and values makes me sick enough, however the lessons Ive learned from it gives me something to look forward to for the future. Sometimes we need to seek faith and speak life into to things that are yet to come. We need to be apart of the construction crew and pave the path ahead of time instead of always being on the cleanup crew after the fact. We need to pray provision over our kids futures and relationships. Its time to step out and create, hit the refresh button and start over. I know if you have followed my blog through the years there is a lot of restarts and redos, but you don't learn to walk without falling down, getting hurt and starting over. Though we walk through the fire, we will not be consumed.


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Hillsong

 I came across Hillsong music around 1997. I was 17 , just lost my grandfather the most precious person to me and with my heart full of "why Gods", there is just something about Hillsong music that brings me to my knees. This music has been with me through the hardest moments in my life ever since. I had no idea it was a church or school until recently. I have every CD (for those that know what that is haha) and they have been played over and over that Ive had to rebuy them. Now I have Hillsong music on pandora so it plays through my car. I can scream it at the top of my lungs on a good day or say nothing at all on a bad day. Last week I accidently stumbled across the documentary so I watched it. I learned alot. I had no idea any of that had gone on to be honest. I didnt know what to think or say so I took a couple days to process. I have said this before in past post about putting people in the church on pedestals. Yes, I have also been hurt on more than one occasion from mu...

PK

So I have a disheartning confession...Im a plant killer (boo). My mother calls me PK (not joking). Its super frustrating to be so passionate about something and be so bad at it. Every year I spend hundreds of dollars on plants, seeds, soil only to kill everything within months sometimes weeks. I research, I plan, I study and nothing. I can buy garden vegetable plants from the store and keep the plants alive but cant get them produce. Ive tried indoor gardening with lights, container gardening, in ground gardening and raised bed gardening with all the same results. I feel like I have even blogged all this trauma before now that I think about it because it s yearly disappointment. I can grow seeds into pods and give them away because I have so many then kill the plants I keep. What gives? I will tell you about 15 years ago I lived on a farm and had the most amazing garden EVER!! I also had the most amazing father in law that tended to it everyday. I had fruit trees and a blackberry garde...

"Simpsons vs Flanders"

The last blog post was about being seen differently by people and not acting the way of the world. I have been mocked a couple times by the way I have chosen my life and Im ok with that, but my heart keeps telling me theres more to say. Its the wierdest thing to have your heart pulled and tugged for what has been on my mind, but the only way to put it to rest is to write it out. The podcast of life church was a series "from this day forward" learning five principles for marriage. I will use the same quote as before, it just got to me,"If you want to have a different marriage and family than everyone else, then you have to do things differently than everyone else". It really is a very powerful statement. We do have rules in our marriage and home that most people think is ridiculous and most of the time my husband thinks they are ridiculous, but weve been married before and you all know how that worked out so, if we want a different marriage, we will have to do differ...