Refresh

I know what I have written the last year has been like a Psalm pouring out my inner heart and cries, but at some point things have to turn around. I cant live in this place of paralyzing depression ( Im starting to feel like a Taylor Swift blog). My kids deserve more and I need to get over myself and take up my cross. My 11 year old son is having trouble at school with another boy over a girl. His dad and I have taken the approach to him that the girl is not worth him if she cant decide who she wants to be with. He deserves someone who chooses him, not someone he has to fight for and convince. This other boy has been bullying him with his cell phone and at school in the cafeteria at lunch and so on. My heart breaks for him that hes going through this over a girl and in the 5th grade. I see how young and honest and pure his heart is and it crushes me that at this age hes struggling with this. He has so much life to live and this boy and girl are consuming him and valuing his self worth. It saddens me. I thought back to when I was his age and I remember doing the same thing. The feelings are real and these circumstances are setting an internal value on him. It bothers me that I have not set a stronger value system within him and that the promises of God are not stronger in him then the lies of this world. I had an "aha" moment when I realized at 34 years old Im going through the same thing. Why would I let any guy consume me and my heart instead of standing on the promises of God. This is the realization I had.....we spend our entire lives looking and trying to be the perfect mate. We alter who we are and who we were to become because our focus is looking for a partner and having somebody to be with. We mold ourselves and justify our morals, standards and behaviors trying to make it work with someone we want to be with. Elementary school, jr high, high school, college, career and after are all sidetracked looking to be loved and finding a partner or having a boyfriend/girlfriend. Why? Why do we feel we need someone at all times to be worthy? Think about it, it doesn't even end with marriage. Our lives then continue on how to keep our person or wishing we had another person. We have an obsession with needing someone to occupy our time. If we aren't blissful happy, we are miserable or living the hamster wheel of making it work. Is it ever about us and what our journey and purpose or path was supposed to be? Think about it.....if you look back through your life how much of it was with a somebody in your life whether happy or sad, how much of your time was spent with or pursuing or running away or even just tolerating the opposite sex? How much of it was with God asking for him to guide and bless your path? How much of it was spent waiting on Him to decide the timing and the mission....your mission. My married friends are miserable, my single friends are miserable all because they want a person or a different person but why are we losing ourselves at the expense of another person. Do you think that perhaps if we were individuals on our own maybe two of us could balance each out instead of two people trying to make the other happy losing themselves in the process and then blaming that very person for our own downfalls? Relationships and marriage are supposed to be beautiful, but I think we take matters into our own hands and do things how we want, with who we want when we want and wonder why its not blessed. Gods design is perfect, who wouldn't want that? I want my boys to learn to live life according to Gods purpose for them and to be all they can be and when the timing is right, God will enhance it with a partner. I have to be the example. I cant tell them, I have to show them. My opportunities might be limited as Ive wasted this much time going the wrong way, but they aren't obsolete, however; my kids have a clean path. I know I cant control their paths, but I know I can leave an impression in their hearts of who they are as children of God and realize it wont be easy as they go to school with the world. I love that their hearts are experiencing love and I want to protect them from what is to come but sometimes we need experiences and as a parent that is hard to witness. I also know that God is my father and what Im going through breaks his heart. I also know that I chose to do things my way and when you go against God there will be consequences. The fact that I sacrificed my beliefs and values makes me sick enough, however the lessons Ive learned from it gives me something to look forward to for the future. Sometimes we need to seek faith and speak life into to things that are yet to come. We need to be apart of the construction crew and pave the path ahead of time instead of always being on the cleanup crew after the fact. We need to pray provision over our kids futures and relationships. Its time to step out and create, hit the refresh button and start over. I know if you have followed my blog through the years there is a lot of restarts and redos, but you don't learn to walk without falling down, getting hurt and starting over. Though we walk through the fire, we will not be consumed.