It is the New Year and resolutions are going strong. Im thinking of a new start, but not so much because of a new year per se, but my birthday is this week and Im thinking maybe its time to be a grown up. Ive been blessed enough to be self employed with multiple business and sometimes I just never know what Im going to get into each day. Since I have started working for my dad a few days a week, Im opening the office so the already dreaded alarm clock mornings, not only do I do the school routine, but also have to leave ready for work as there is no time to come home like my pampered previous routine. I tuck and roll, playing the alarm clock game to buy just five more minutes, then Ill skip the hair and makeup. Bottom line is this...I just don't care how I look and maybe I should. I was in the real estate office the other day and this woman was dressed head to toe and just looked adorable. I was in swishies, ponytail and hoody....it was 8am for goodness sake. As Im whining to my dad about needing days to sleep in, I realized how foolish it was as it came out of my mouth. Almost every working person in America (ok fine... world) wakes up and gets themselves and family ready for school and work everyday and they look appropriate. I don't want to pay dry cleaning bills, I hate wearing makeup and the whole blowdry, flat iron routine takes forever. Cute shoes are becoming painful and clothing is just uncomfortable. Now, I LOVE Spring...Im a dress and sandal kinda girl...but either Im severely depressed, sleep deprived or just plain don't care. Im attracted to business men who take care of themselves, yet think Im not worthy of one of them because Im not one of "those" girls that are so into themselves they look like high maintenance. I don't want to care every bite, workout, hair, wrinkle and so on....Im capable of looking nice when I need to , but I don't want to become obsessed with myself. Should I? I know when I look nice, that Im more productive and feel better. I don't want to be attractive and get attention, I kind of like just hangin low. I don't want to attract the wrong relationships with men or women and I don't want to go into debt buying a bunch of procedure type stuff (Ive done it before). Where is the balance? Ironically, Ive been looking for balance in my life in a lot of different places of my life more in particular relationships. I always seem to give, give, give and then wish someone loved me enough to give back and maybe they do in their own way but its not fulfilling me. Should it? I posted a quote on facebook the other day that really changed my perspective. "You don't get to tell people how to love you; you get to choose whether or not you want to participate in the way they love".....so profound to me as this applies to Christ as well as humans. I love watching the movie "eat, pray, love" when Im down and it took me three times watching to even sit through the movie. Julia Roberts character goes on this journey looking for something missing in her life and gets in these relationships and loses herself. When she gets away and in her own routine shes happy, when she gets in relationship with men, she loses herself and becomes unhappy. Ive watched this movie for years and just last week I caught the end when a guy wanted her to go off with him and she panicked. She was crying and said, "I just cant fall in love, I lose my balance". It hit me like I ran into a brick wall. That's what happens to me. Im in my routine of spirituality and I lose it when I get in a relationship and lose myself into another person but also lose my balance with God and become lost again. I think the right person wouldn't let that happen because they would be right there with me, but I still could be wrong and even cringe saying the right person. I don't think Ive been with the wrong people or I wouldn't be who I am, I just haven't found the one yet, if there is one for me. I know I just went off on two very different stories from not putting myself together to losing my balance in relationships but I think they tie together and as my 34th birthday is days away, I don't want to make a New Years resolution, but I would like to make a change this next new year in my life to expand and stretch myself while maintaining balance to grow positively and maturing into what God has designed and planned for me. I think Ill be a grown up this year and see where it takes me. A healthy life is about balance in all aspects and now that Im aware, its time to implement.
The last blog post was about being seen differently by people and not acting the way of the world. I have been mocked a couple times by the way I have chosen my life and Im ok with that, but my heart keeps telling me theres more to say. Its the wierdest thing to have your heart pulled and tugged for what has been on my mind, but the only way to put it to rest is to write it out. The podcast of life church was a series "from this day forward" learning five principles for marriage. I will use the same quote as before, it just got to me,"If you want to have a different marriage and family than everyone else, then you have to do things differently than everyone else". It really is a very powerful statement. We do have rules in our marriage and home that most people think is ridiculous and most of the time my husband thinks they are ridiculous, but weve been married before and you all know how that worked out so, if we want a different marriage, we will have to do differ...
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