On the search to seeking Gods will

I failed God...again, so there it is! I haven't written in a while and when I did, I felt I had to hide what was truly on my heart to protect those involved and to get myself together. Then hit the holidays and every hurt just magnified. Today is what is supposed to be my two year wedding anniversary and yesterday I filed for divorce. Nothing happened, there is no juicy story for me to tell, it just wasn't meant to be and probably shouldn't have happened in the first place. Ive struggled partially because I don't want people who have followed my journey the last year and a half to think Im some fake person living in a fake world or Im a wanna be Christian woman, wife and mother because my posts then were all about how to refire marriage and how we chose our outcomes and how much obedience we should have and Gods design for marriage. Heres the deal...just because I wasn't successful doesn't mean I changed my views, opinions, values or beliefs. I do very much

It was a year ago I posted a controversial bold blog about Christmas and this year is no exception. Although our family is very clear about the true meaning of Christmas it doesn't make the hustle and bustle any less. Ive spent all year paying debt off and still found myself waiting for a miracle closing to "save" Christmas. Spent many sleepless nights and wasted tears on what Im going to do without a dime for Christmas. The truth is for years we have dreaded Christmas. Being in the rental business where people make Christmas their priority over paying rent at times we had bills to be paid or no food on the table, yet we found ourselves scraping everything we had including rents collected to save Christmas instead of paying who we owed or borrowing money on credit lines and credit cards and for what....5 minutes of satisfaction before your kids blurt out that's not what I wanted or I didn't get this or that like they wanted so when asked they say they didn't h

I enjoy reading all the thankful November post, I just have a personal different conviction about it. I cannot block out one month to be thankful when I have so much to be thankful about starting with the fact that I woke up this morning. Im am blessed beyond measure yet deserve none of it. But there is something that I don't do enough of......... Im relationally challenged, therefore I struggle with people. In place of 31 things that Im thankful for, I would like to post 31 relationships that I am thankful for. I don't tell people enough how much they mean to me even though my heart is full of love and admiration. Most of the people on this list wont ever even know this existed, but that's not what this is about. This is very difficult for me and challenging, not because of how many, but I don't want to leave out or hurt any feelings. Its hard for me to search deep and put into words how much people mean to me, which is something that most people find a bit easier th

I went to the grocery store this weekend in the pouring rain, upon checking out the lady asked, "would you like drive thru service"?...as she always does and my reply was the same, "No thank you, God blessed me with working arms and legs and the ability to use them", I always get different reactions but this time she said, "but its pouring rain"....I said "which we have been blessed with also and I love to dance in it". She giggled and smiled as I looked into her eyes. A few weeks prior, I was catering an event and went early in the morning to the grocery store where I engaged in conversation with the cashier, she had a smile on her face and one on mine. Whats the point? Well, oddly enough, the anti relationship person that I am....something tugged at my spirit as I got in the car with my goodies. I wondered what was her story, I noticed her name tag and thought I come in contact with people all day, everyday and Im so caught up in my tasks that

I grew up learning that if everything around me is falling apart, then maybe its me. Its taken years in my adult life to interpret things that have fallen apart for me and what they were supposed to mean. Theres the serendipity phrase, "ifs its meant to be it will" and "when a door closes another opens". Why do bad things happen to good people has been in my heart since my best friend was diagnosed with cancer in kindergarten and I have questioned God ever since. Through the years, it seems that the most tragic events happen to the best people and their families, I just cant imagine. Going through my own very small trials compared to the rest of the world, I have shaped and molded and reformed myself multiple times with the same outcomes when it comes to relationships with people. I still wonder if its me or even the possibility that I choose the same type of people around me therefore getting the same results in the end. I have been in bed with what appears to be a

I have been in very focused heavy prayer in the last two weeks. Im not really looking for right and wrong answers, but more for vision. Open my eyes Lord so that I see opportunities to share your word and testimony which is what  we are here to do. Its hard to do that when Im so focused on my daily life of "todos". I go and go and go but really reflecting, none of it is for the kingdom. Its all surviving this world and as Im maturing in my relationship with God, I have learned that I am not of this world and dont need to be pleasing to it because in the end that will get me no where. I have words and life that have been spoken over me through different times and events and Im just not sure what they mean. Its ok to not always know, but I love the fact that I am now sensitive to it, meaning that I have matured enough to recognize Gods presence, which is incredible. Ive spent some time learning to know Gods voice and discerning when things are from him or not. Ive learned that

"We will never forget" means so many different things to many people. There is not much of history I have been apart of or too small to remember but as the quote says, I will never forget September 11, 2001. I worked at the airport and heard of the first tower crash on the radio as I approached the airport area, making it in to work to witness the second building being terrorized live on tv. We sat and watched with horror yet waiting to see what was next for the other plane off its course up in the air. Where would it hit, how many others were there? We started grounding all planes and I remember boarding air crafts full of people who sat in the plane on the ground for hours. The comments were so absolutely rude and selfish all about their time and comfort. I dont think I have ever looked at people the same since that moment as I stood there, a 21 year old single mom having the best paying job I had ever had for a high school drop out in absolute shock of what was happening i

There are times in our lives that we get so bogged down with emotions, feelings and thoughts. Some of what others say about us or to us or even about other people and then there are the thoughts, feelings and emotions of how we view ourselves and others. In high school we called it drama, and some never seem to outgrow it but for me, I have just come to the point where Im tired of hearing negativity from others and from within myself. We are blessed with so many beautiful things in the world from the things we can see, smell, hear and experience to the way things just work for us and around us to complete a full day and get us to the next including our bodies. There are miracles taking place in every moment and aspect of our lives, but yet we focus on the things that dont go our way or the things we dont like. Negativity is a mind set and in some cases really an addiction. People seem to cling on to it and always have to be in some kind of trial or storm. The beauty about God is that h

The dictionary defines "leader" as a noun stating 1. The person who leads or commands a group, organization, or country 2. A person followed by others......but what really does that mean? We hear people use the expression "natural born leader" is that the same a charisma (people attracted to you or your demeanor). I just got back from a short mission trip in New York and when we got there, they told us we were the leaders and missionaries, whoa really? I mean I get the missionary part but a leader? I just came with a team to go with the flow and be flexible with an open heart as I have been learning throughout my mission experiences and now Im a leader....yikes, I didnt plan for that one. I honestly just felt like one of the women in the home only a few steps ahead of them. We worked with teen challenge program, which is a ministry that is a 14 month addiction recovery program and signing up for the trip, I thought these are my people, I can relate to them because I

I'm excited more and more about learning the differences between religion and relationship. I know I've talked about it before, but with actually embracing it a bondage is broken and joy is restored. I have mentioned many times before where I felt the church and/or Christian people had let me down and crushed my spirits. I put church leaders on pedestals as if they were the untouchables and really honestly idols. I wanted to be them, and watched what I said acting in my best behavior because if I was myself then they would know I don't belong. That was a lie from devil himself! We are wanted and loved. We are children of God and although for some of us who were abused in any way growing up we felt we were a burden to our parents and thought they regretted having us because we're always in the way or causing a problem. We put on our best behavior trying to make them happy to gain approval and yet were left feeling unworthy, so we behave with different personalities tryin

I started this blog a year ago even titling it "on the search to seeking Gods will", what I have since learned from scripture is that it is not Gods will or favor I should be seeking, but God himself. The word says, "we will find him when we seek him with all our hearts". Through devotion, services and books I thought I was seeking God, but as I reflect I think even though I was growing and learning, I was not actively pursuing God, but trying to find his favor and fulfill his will. Of course, not intentionally but immaturely. I have been trying to figure out how I could actively seek God without looking for favor or will, I have to be honest Im struggling. I know that to do that I must read his word and that alone is a challenge. I know God speaks to me in quiet times usually in the morning waking up and through the books I read, but I have to say reading books is learning from other people and their perspectives which is uplifting, however its not Gods word straig

I pray for God to show me signs along the way of his will about things, but then it seems I am always looking for things to be warm, fuzzy and comfortable. The truth is if things are from God.... then they are probably waaaaay outside my comfort zone. "yea God, Ill do your will as long as Im in control and feel comfortable" is what comes in mind. My thinking has been Ive been training in life for bigger things to come so Ill be ready when God calls me. The truth is...I just know how to do a lot of things and chances are when God calls me it will be something out of my control and comfort zone because he is God. How can I glorify him if I treat him like a bench warmer. "Just stay there God on the bench and watch my life "the game" and if I need you, then I know you are right there waiting". It doesn't really work that way, does it? Furthermore, as I said before in a post not too long ago, God has already called on us as his children so waiting for the c