Breaking the "rules"

I'm excited more and more about learning the differences between religion and relationship. I know I've talked about it before, but with actually embracing it a bondage is broken and joy is restored. I have mentioned many times before where I felt the church and/or Christian people had let me down and crushed my spirits. I put church leaders on pedestals as if they were the untouchables and really honestly idols. I wanted to be them, and watched what I said acting in my best behavior because if I was myself then they would know I don't belong. That was a lie from devil himself! We are wanted and loved. We are children of God and although for some of us who were abused in any way growing up we felt we were a burden to our parents and thought they regretted having us because we're always in the way or causing a problem. We put on our best behavior trying to make them happy to gain approval and yet were left feeling unworthy, so we behave with different personalities trying to make others happy and lose ourselves creating issues down the road of self. Loss of self is a big part of depression and is difficult to regain because you reach out and then people fail you and you close up and shut down till you try again and when your burned you close up and make your wall higher and heart harder. Our Heavenly Father isn't like that but for many of us comprehending and trusting it is life changing and very difficult to overcome. I can't put in words how amazing the other side is. When you stop trying to follow religion rules and just love God with all your heart, your trust in people are irrelevant because you have a greater trust, a greater spirit and energy that becomes the light of Christ within you and not only will mountains move but you are ready to do the very purpose of life which is to lead others to him by being a beacon and letting light and spirit flow through you. It's the most incredible on top of the world high you could ever experience. There were a handful of people growing up that were so happy and energetic that I just thought they were ridiculously stupid and wanted to slap their ear to ear smiles and zip up their laughter because it was just way to oddly too much, but I know now that they were spirit filled and as my joy restores and my heart opens and grows....I'm becoming "one of them" and where that would have bothered me before and I woulda cut back because of what people would say or think has been dissolved. Jesus was never concerned with a reputation and at this point in my life, I can honestly say...I'm not either. I am who I am and will not be conformed by religious rules or guidelines but by the spirit in me that leads. I am far from perfect and I'm still very fleshly but my relationship with Christ is guided and I have discernment in different areas. I'm not bound by religious laws or customs or rules just as Jesus was not when he came here to walk this earth he was led by the spirit and God himself not man. God wants us to enjoy life and have fun, not live by guilt or hide everything that we do. He has paid the price for anything we have done or will do. That doesn't mean we can do whatever we want and take God for granted he is not to be manipulated or used. I would not take his unconditional love or slow to anger forgranted and would fear The Lord before sinning on purpose. But we will make mistakes and God knows our hearts and motives. For those that are honest and pure there is peace in knowing he will be there to pick us up and comfort in knowing were going to be ok in fact, better than ok. I always got nervous around church leaders and they are to be respected but as anyone they are just "one of us" so I don't have to try so hard to be "one of them". I grew up thinking to be a servant of God I had to be a pastor or pastor wife or music minister, secretary of church or missionary. I thought if I went to bible school and learned the rules and followed them, went into ministry....then I would be a good Christian. The truth is Im called to be all of those as a believer and I am and apart of the "church" within myself. Im just me with the spirit in me who has been set free to keep seeking and serving him with all I am. That's something to rejoice and celebrate, it's a very exciting time in my life!