A new beginning

I started this blog a year ago even titling it "on the search to seeking Gods will", what I have since learned from scripture is that it is not Gods will or favor I should be seeking, but God himself. The word says, "we will find him when we seek him with all our hearts". Through devotion, services and books I thought I was seeking God, but as I reflect I think even though I was growing and learning, I was not actively pursuing God, but trying to find his favor and fulfill his will. Of course, not intentionally but immaturely. I have been trying to figure out how I could actively seek God without looking for favor or will, I have to be honest Im struggling. I know that to do that I must read his word and that alone is a challenge. I know God speaks to me in quiet times usually in the morning waking up and through the books I read, but I have to say reading books is learning from other people and their perspectives which is uplifting, however its not Gods word straight from his book or "the" book. I find delight in uplifting blogs and sayings, look up to more mature Christians for guidance and strength but have a hard time going to the source, the creator. My only guess is because its spirit vs visual, but definitely not an excuse. It seems that when Im questioning things or struggling that I see signs and feel guided by what I read, maybe I interpret things differently than they are written. I don't want to use Gods word out of context, but Im not a bible scholar (although, I could become one). So, how do we seek God without looking for his will and favor or take his word out of context? If I had to guess and again I don't know, Im genuinely looking for the answers, it would be through a relationship with him, but again I thought by reading books with scripture in them about topics and worshipping and prayer that I was building a relationship with him. I can say when Im in prayer that I pray for his will be done in situations and that people find his favor as well, but learning its supposed to be about God himself, Im feeling a bit more confused and maybe Im doing it to myself or taking things to literal. I find it hard to talk about scripture with people because every time I use it, I get questioned or second guessed then I think maybe I made up the meaning or context to my favor. At some point I would like to be in conversation and be able to back up 100 percent of what the bible says and means but Im not sure where to get the actual knowledge. I know I cant look for it in my heart or head because my heart and head are very misleading. The more I think about it, maybe I will be a bible scholar, but then again who says they are accurate? Ok, well I just made myself even more insecure about all of this and my "coveted" new relationship with God. Ive been reading a Joyce Meyer book about finding joy wherever you are in life and a Priscilla Shire book about discerning Gods voice. Paired up with my circumstances right now, I am at a stand still. How can I nod my head in agreement with everything, have a peace inside of me and still wonder if Im doing the right thing? Satan or immaturity? How can I be so sure of all the things I don't want in my life yet have so much question over what I do want or what the right thing is? Should I sacrifice who I am and/or want to become for others? Is that God stretching and challenging me or me being selfish doing my own will?  I know Gods word speaks truth, but Im seeing a different truth than others, does that make me wrong? I don't want to dishonor God and its not about missing out on his promises, its about God himself. Ive said it before, I want to hear "well done my good and faithful servant" when that time comes. My decisions and heart are finally on the same page and with a joy and peace at a time when my world should be turned upside down, so am I on to something or rewriting/interpreting the word to match my theory blindly and unknowingly messing up Gods plan for my life? My mind is made up and Im moving forward, oddly not on the fence and teetering back and forth, but I cant help wonder if I made God the center. In a normal fast answer of this situation, I would say "no", but God does have a funny way of maneuvering things to work out especially when they don't make sense. Did God make me do this and did God tell me to do this....the answer is firmly "no".....but will he take this decision and situation to create something even more beautiful than what he has already done? In all honesty, I believe the answer is "yes". I know many will argue and find wrong in this situation and decision and I know the bible will be argued in many forms, but I cant help but hang on to the joy and peace that I have internally about what is to come, so I will keep seeking God to find my way. I have always used the term seeking God in the wilderness and gaining strength and wisdom along with growth to the promised land even if it takes 40 years, but I learned something new the other day. We always use this analogy but historically it has been found that they should have reached the promised land in 11 days, however because they second guessed and doubted God along the way they got close, but never went in to find/reap the benefits. They took 40 years of struggling for something that should have taken 11 days had they found complete strength in God. Now again, Im not a bible scholar so I cant say yes, this statement is true, but I did find it interesting and can relate it to a lot of the situations I find myself in as I seem to make things harder than they are. Looking forward to building a renewed stronger relationship with the almighty Father Lord himself and letting go of all insecurities, trusting in him with all that I am.