I pray for God to show me signs along the way of his will about things, but then it seems I am always looking for things to be warm, fuzzy and comfortable. The truth is if things are from God.... then they are probably waaaaay outside my comfort zone. "yea God, Ill do your will as long as Im in control and feel comfortable" is what comes in mind. My thinking has been Ive been training in life for bigger things to come so Ill be ready when God calls me. The truth is...I just know how to do a lot of things and chances are when God calls me it will be something out of my control and comfort zone because he is God. How can I glorify him if I treat him like a bench warmer. "Just stay there God on the bench and watch my life "the game" and if I need you, then I know you are right there waiting". It doesn't really work that way, does it? Furthermore, as I said before in a post not too long ago, God has already called on us as his children so waiting for the calling is just an excuse. God likes to challenge me and I always thought I loved challenges, but Im thinking Gods are too hard as I sit back and think pass or skip, Ill wait until the next time you come around and call me. Of course, Im to in tune to God for that to be a reality because then the spirit swirls inside of me. I actually do like that feeling because I feel close to God and reassured hes not giving up and I need to just lay it all out there. God likes us to be in a place of vulnerability because we learn to rely on him and it builds our relationship. My best observation of this is watching a cocoon. Its tiny and fragile, nobody except God knows the time and the place that the miracle will take place inside this tiny, fragile shell. A change is being made, but not so easily. If you ever watched the hatching process, you see the tiny insect push his way out busting open the shell. The thing is, if the insect doesn't fight the shell and struggle then he is weak, busting open the shell gives him the strength he will need to fly. Those tiny, fragile legs and beautiful wings fight to gain strength, much like God created us. God challenges us and we either curl up and throw up the hands, or get mad (crippling ourselves) or learn to embrace it and learn to fly. We all go through the wilderness period, but I also think that a lot of us (myself at the top) are so stubborn that we seem to have more challenges because we create more challenges by being controlling and stubborn. God always calls people who are unprepared, untrained and even unwilling to bring glory to his name. All throughout the bible, Noah who was asked to build an ark....Jonah who was asked to go to Nineveh....Moses asked to go back to Egypt to rescue his people....Abraham to leave his people and go to another land...Mary asked to become the mother of Jesus as a virgin...Esther a woman to go before the king a plead for other people....Gideon to go into battle with basically no army and then you have situations of Daniel and the Lion, David and Goliath, Sampson and Deliah, Joseph through slavery and prison.... all put in positions to be vulnerable so God could shine through that they weren't ready for these things just happened. I love the fact that I can look back through my own life and see where and how God brought me in all stages and situations. There should have and could have been so many other outcomes for me and yet Im here this way. I could have been brought up in ministry but he moved me to California, I could have (should have) been dead or in jail, but he moved me to Oklahoma, I could have been dead at 15 when I attempted suicide, but I was rerouted and God had a different plan. Oh yes, I fought (HARD) every step of the way but here I am looking back going WOW, I made it through so much and I could be in a hundred other lives and stories, but Im in this one and look what God has done through it all. I say "I" as if I did it...pfff God is the hero in my story, I couldn't deny that if I tried as I am living proof. We are put in many situations not to "suffer" but to trust and lean on him with peace and confidence. It takes a several attempts and in my case thousands, but I have learned to stop and let go through the years because that is when he speaks to me. Suffering makes us stronger for those of us that embrace it and learn from it we seem to suffer less, but those that stay in constant suffering can be swallowed in it. I hate to witness it, but I see it all the time. I know its hard to see the rainbow when your in the storm but its coming, its a promise and reminder to us of Gods word. I mentioned in my post about the family mission trip that I just took that I thought I passed the test when it came time to work together in a kitchen and serve in a shelter. Knowing my control freakishness and experience in this area, I stepped back and let everyone else do things as I served. I totally thought I passed the "test" and "challenge" of God only to find out we are doing the same thing on this next trip I leave for in a few weeks with even stronger personalities on my team. Of course, only God so Im thinking I will not boast or think Im ahead of Gods lesson because I just got a nice reminder that Im not in control, yes, we serve a funny GOD with a sense of humor that loves to rattle my cage. The growth comes from laughing in these moments instead of falling apart, oh yes, Ive been there also. Falling completely apart with all failure and frustration. I do better now with frustration, but failure still tears me up and sends me to the fetal shut down position even though Im aware of tactics played by Satan and learning moments of God. There is a spiritual battle that goes on inside me almost 100 percent of the time and at times its tiring and I hit shutdown mode usually followed by regression, then comes disappointment in myself then depression from failing its a cycle that just keeps going at this point in my life. If your seeing or hearing "signs" from God and they don't shock, surprise or come from left field then chances are its not from God. If your not experiencing God through your journey then your destination wont be what it was designed to be. Theres a lot of humility between God and I well with me to God, I try to be the overachiever who gets to the end first and the thing is that the journey is missed and in the end.... Im the only one that missed out. His blessings and teachings are well worth the struggles and isn't it comforting to have peace that surpasses all understanding?
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