I failed (again)

I failed God...again, so there it is! I haven't written in a while and when I did, I felt I had to hide what was truly on my heart to protect those involved and to get myself together. Then hit the holidays and every hurt just magnified. Today is what is supposed to be my two year wedding anniversary and yesterday I filed for divorce. Nothing happened, there is no juicy story for me to tell, it just wasn't meant to be and probably shouldn't have happened in the first place. Ive struggled partially because I don't want people who have followed my journey the last year and a half to think Im some fake person living in a fake world or Im a wanna be Christian woman, wife and mother because my posts then were all about how to refire marriage and how we chose our outcomes and how much obedience we should have and Gods design for marriage. Heres the deal...just because I wasn't successful doesn't mean I changed my views, opinions, values or beliefs. I do very much believe in Gods design and covenant of marriage and that is truth. It hurts that people have to throw my faith in my face at a time Im more confused and hurting than ever. I have had so many abuses in my life that I wouldn't know a good relationship if I had one. I push people away that care about me and still seem to choose the hard road. I cant explain this feeling and I really don't have to, but I feel I am doing the right  thing and I have peace about my situation. I have had to deal with God and my fear of failure when all I seem to do is fail. It has taking me months and many supporting friendships to accept Gods view of me is way less harsh than my own. I just don't want to disappoint God, my spirit has been broken as I know what he and his word say about divorce, but I know him intimately enough to know his grace, mercy and forgiveness. Not enough for me to take it for granted, but enough to restorate my soul. A glowstick has to be snapped and broken before it glows or shines and I think we have to experience brokenness at different points in our lives. Sadly, this is where our faith is challenged and the weak sometimes wash out and give up on God. I can see how easy it is, but Im not that weak. Ive experienced so many times of brokenness and have grown enough in my walk with God to know that greater things are yet to come. From the encouraging words of close friends the last few months, I have found it interesting their views of me. The reason I find it so interesting is I was in this same place 3 years ago and the view of me was so different than today and more importantly everyone says the same things about me to me where as before depending on who it was you saw a different side of me and had a different view. I really worked hard on just being one well rounded person all the time with exception of lifes ups and downs and it appears that I followed it through. The hard part is accepting what they are telling me. Ive never had so many positive things said about me and it shocks me every time. People see things in me I don't just like God sees me differently than I do. I put so much stress and pressure on failing and disappointing God that I make myself curl up in a ball and stay in bed shutting down to anything and everyone around me allowing Satan to victory dance around me. I can hide from the world, but I cant hide from God and even that doesn't change his view of me so who am I really fooling here? Im sorry if I let you down, so many people were excited and found hope in our story of remarrying after all we went through with first marriage. I really do think I left those issues on the divorce bench and did not cross them over; however when the same patterns and behaviors are put in front of me then I began to react the same way and it just started changing me into the person I used to be (a monster). I worked so hard to be different and prove to myself and everyone around me that I was different but after being put in same lifestyle I realized that I was changing back to my old life and I already walked away from that life. Ive also had to learn that it doesn't matter your views of me, all that matters is Gods view of me and if I were honest with myself, I already know how he feels because I know him. Satan is so quick to respond to tear me up, but God would never. I cherish my new lifestyle with God and value keeping it. God challenged me to remove anything in my life that was hindering me from him and the truth is my marriage (the events inside it) was one of those things. Please don't take offense or twist what I just said into God told me to divorce as he did not. He specifically challenged me to look at what was hindering me from him and remove them. I chose what those things were and I will/have/am dealing with the consequences. Honestly I thought this is a test to challenge my obedience and like Abraham following in obedience to sacrifice Isaac that God would see I was truly his servant and would give up whatever for Him that he would honor it and save the relationship that I was willing to give up and maybe he would have saved it. Why would we have come back together to be broken again?  There were other factors that came into play during this time period that just took everything to another field. I prayed through it and asked for confirmation and I got it, I mean really got it. I didnt pray for confirmation because I didnt trust God, i prayed for confirmation because i didnt trust myself. None of this made sense i just kept following where I felt led. Timing of the answered confirmation couldn't have been more hand delivered if I picked it out myself. At that I point I knew, this is over. I have gone through months of confusion and disappointment, hurt, regret, guilt and the events within the home have escalated to a point of no return. Now I know God is able, but I am not willing and yes, Im dealing with my choices. I struggle at this point between God and myself and as everyone is praying for my marriage to be salvaged and I hear God is in control and people trying to comfort us, I am done. I am no longer seeking Gods discernment on this issue my doors are closed as I am unwilling to even consider it which makes my convictions eat me alive. I know that statement was bold and I know God well enough to know that could very well backfire so that i understand whos in control. You don't have to agree or understand as this is my journey not yours, but my heart is pure and my love for God is real. The new year starts tomorrow and the new day starts when God willing I wake up, it will be a new start. A new 365 empty paged book for me to fill in (thx Crys) starts tomorrow and like I have said before, the end of our story has already been written and I know who wins so its up to me to step it up and stand straight with my armor of God ready to fight the battles of salvation rather than staying in my ball pitying myself and questioning God. I will stand on the promises and words of God that I already know to be true. I will not wallow in the pits of Hell and allow Satan to emotionally take me from the ONE true love of my life that no matter how much I push doesn't give up on me and doesn't think any differently of me with each challenge whether I pass or fail his LOVE is the same. Tomorrow also marks the 4th year Breakthrough Daniel fast I have done for the month of January. I know that incredible things are about to happen in all aspects of my life and as Im in a new home, new car and today being the last day of my job, that doors will be opened for movement. I cant wait to see what God has in store for me. I am excited to head to Belize and back to Haiti this year with the mission team. I look forward to new relationships and lessons that God has in store for me and my kids. It was a dream of mine to be an author and speaker of marriage using my own stories to help others but this seems like such a roadblock, not sure where God is leading me but Im along for the ride. Happy New Year friends, you new book starts tomorrow!!!

"For I know the plans I have for you".....Jeremiah