I LOVE January fast, so many amazing things happen inside and out. 4th fast, 2nd day and while my life seems to be in utmost chaos....I have the most amazing peace. In between jobs, in between relationships, re learning how to single parent three growing boys, re firing my soul and yet I feel like Im on a hamster wheel just getting by with my mind just racing but my heart just still. I hear Gods whisper "Be still and know that I am God" over, and over and over I hear this throughout the day and it fills me with peace and comfort. Every time I kick in the how, what ifs, why I hear it shhhhhhhhhh....be still and know that I am God. "You don't need to plan, plot, wonder, question or think.....just BE STILL" is what I heard this morning. I had the most liberating discovery about myself today as I ask why am I here in this place again, it so vividly hit me in the forehead that I have commitment issues. I have built so many protective barriers stemming from childhood that I don't see through any commitment in my life. I am the most loyal person you could ever meet, but Im lacking in commitment. I grew up with several sets of families that just rotated in and out so it was when something wasn't going well you just walk away and start over. I bounced back and forth from house to house so every club, group or friendship I was apart of just abruptly ended and I started over wherever I was. I just thought I was a strong person that learned to survive in whatever circumstance, I never understood the damage it was causing me or the people around me. I have never viewed myself as a quitter but when I reflect back through my life....I really am! I somewhat have noticed this about myself before, but never realized the magnitude. Three failed marriages at age 33 is pretty serious. I am this way not only in intimate relationships but friends, jobs, ideas and projects as well. If something isn't going right then I walk away and find something else to succeed at. Every class or occupation that I have started, I lost interest in and quit, every hobby Ive been gung ho about, I have walked away from after losing interest. I more understand it by looking at my brothers life. If something is difficult he walks away and starts life over and as I see him repeat it over and over and my heart breaks for him, it was today that I recognized the same thing inside of me. The only thing I haven't quit is being a parent, even he gave that up. My kids have saved my life on so many levels, they are truly the best blessings ever and make my life worth living many days when Id like to throw in the towel. I run everyone off in my life that gets close to me therefore I expect people to leave and walk away and when they do, they prove me right and I shatter myself then pick up the pieces then walk away and start over. I am repeatedly hurt and wonder why. I give everything I have and am for everyone but I get burnt out when its not reciprocated and I quit. I will never be successful at relationships until I get healthy. I don't want to justify or make excuse for my behavior, I want to fix it. This discovery makes me sad because I have never intentionally would hurt anyone and yet I have hurt so many by walking away and moving on. Im not insensitive, Im just broken and need healing. I know that there is no better healer than the one above and now that its out on the table, Im ready for God to heal my broken spirit and heart. I dont want people to hurt because of me and I don't want to hurt anymore. I am laying it out and letting God take it for healing and transformation so that one day I will have a secure, blessed relationship that he has designed for me with someone that loves and respects me unconditionally. I need someone much stronger than I am and that will take a VERY special person. Maybe God just wants me by myself to walk beside him and Im ok with that as well. I don't know what kind of healing I need for commitment issues but Im willing to do whatever I need. Thank you Lord for loving me and your patience, grace and mercy with me.....Im all in Lord.
Here we are again...another year has passed and Im in my normal buhumbug Christmas attitude with declining spirit as the years go by. Its really my same gripe and complaint every year of the expectation and greed that has taken over the idea of a gift. I dont mean to bring others down with me, but it seems my husband is losing his spirit as well. Our house has been known for its lights and light show but this year no lights, no decorations and its the 18th of December. My kids are grown.. well I say that, but really the baby has been jipped. Hes 16 so never here, but we always did the Christmas stuff because we had kids to make it special for. Everyone around us thinks we have it all together...does facebook do that to people? I feel like Ive always been raw and real which is not always to my advantage when your bi polar like me things just come out. The truth is, I just dont have any Christmas in me anymore. I see everyone else getting together and making cookies and candies, visitin
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