Getting warmer

I went to the grocery store this weekend in the pouring rain, upon checking out the lady asked, "would you like drive thru service"?...as she always does and my reply was the same, "No thank you, God blessed me with working arms and legs and the ability to use them", I always get different reactions but this time she said, "but its pouring rain"....I said "which we have been blessed with also and I love to dance in it". She giggled and smiled as I looked into her eyes. A few weeks prior, I was catering an event and went early in the morning to the grocery store where I engaged in conversation with the cashier, she had a smile on her face and one on mine. Whats the point? Well, oddly enough, the anti relationship person that I am....something tugged at my spirit as I got in the car with my goodies. I wondered what was her story, I noticed her name tag and thought I come in contact with people all day, everyday and Im so caught up in my tasks that I dont enjoy people, in fact most of the time they irritate me. I dont take the time to know peoples names or hear about their lives because Im too wrapped up in mine. How can I share the love of God and my testimony when I spend my life avoiding people and conversations? Within the last few weeks, I have developed a passion  for people. Who they are, where they have been and what are they hiding deep in their soul....hurts, fears, bitterness. Ive been doing a bible study about Gideon the past three weeks and one of the statements made about the study was a hashtag side note that said, "Behavior does not determine identity"...WOW! I looked at my own life as I was sitting at a table with women that I dont know unwilling to say a word because of my fear and comfort, yet the behavior that was displayed was once again cold and unapproachable. My heart is genuine and compassionate and full of love, but as Ive mentioned before my exterior is hard as a rock and I wonder why Im not bubbly and outgoing. Thank God for that hashtag because I have started feeling like thats who I am and trying to change who I am rather than the behavior itself. I know Ive written about this before, but when Im put in the situations to change my reputation... my behavior acts against me and I end up looking foolish and usually at church or work where I have the most passion. Thank God for his grace and for the people at my church and work that see more in me than how I act out or behave and even more in me than I see myself, I am truly blessed. We judge people on how they look, act and what they say and do, yet I send off "dont mess with me vibes", and wonder why Im not influential. The last couple weeks I have looked people in the eyes, waved people in front of me, held doors open, greeted people as they approach me or are in front of me and put a smile on my face. Most of the time its returned and other times not, but what I began to realize is that my radiance is coming back and that draws people to me not because of me but because God shines through and then I have the opportunity to preach the good word of Christ and most often, I dont even have to open my mouth because my eyes, smile and glow show that I have a light in me. I am finding myself smiling in the pouring rain unloading groceries, driving down the road, getting ready for work, cleaning houses, painting houses and in all what I deem small task but it has made a difference in my day as well as the way people are engaging with me. I used to date a guy that would laugh at me when he walked behind me and make fun of me saying I had a "stupid" hop. What I have learned is that I hop when Im happy, I bounce when I walk...I tried over a year to stop hopping as if it were a defect, it caught up with me in pageants also, apparently they didnt like my hop either so I became conscious of it. Today, I will dance, skip, hop or whatever my way because I am happy and for the first time I am happy about it. If Im not hopping then something is wrong. Im going to celebrate my given "defect". When I prayed "open my eyes and my heart", I didnt realize I would literally. I listed a house for sale yesterday for an elder man and his home told stories. I dont think I have ever taken the time to look at someones pictures and items. In fact, normally I would have redone his home putting everything away for pictures and stressing out over the wallpaper and blue carpet but this time was different. I looked him in the eyes, I engaged in conversation, I heard his love for his no longer family and his passion of career, where he has been and from and it just impacted me differently. Im not sure what will happen from this point with the house but the connection I felt, the warmness of being a real human not just "on the job" was incredible. I guard myself so much in fear of rejection, disappointment and hurt that I push everyone out and go about life as a robot. Im starting to feel and its a whole new life for me. Im sure, in fact, I guarantee that by allowing myself to feel that I will face many hurts and disappointments as well as the good things to come,  this time is different because my comforter and peacemaker that lives in me, gives me strength that I never had or never allowed myself to have. I cannot explain to you the warm richness and enjoyment that I have opened up to. I hope with my bi polar that this is not just because Im on my way to a high but that it remains my behavior because I want to be apart of and grow and not distance myself. I have always said real estate is about relationships but this really does take that statement to another level. People react the way they feel more often than not and even though I thought I could hide my pain, really my behavior was just acting out what was going on in the inside. It wasn't a purpose thing, but it just played out that way. By investing in other people and relationships, I know that my life will truly be enriched. Thank you Lord for your lessons and grace.