For most of my life I have had voices in my head (seriously). If you ask my opinion I could give you more than one and they would all contradict each other. At one point, I wondered if I had multiple personalities, others summed it up that I should have been a lawyer when I grew up because I could argue almost any case and pursuade like no other. The problem is, my thoughts contradict each other and I talk myself in and out of things thinking its the right thing. The mind is very powerful. In my search to finding Gods will for my life, Im learning to fervently pray all the time. I have a 6:00am standing appointment with God and believe it or not since I have renewed my life (about 2 years now) I instantly wake up and never fails to be 6am, so God and I have our time and I fall back asleep until I wake back up to begin my day. I talk to God all day throughout the day when Im in my car (almost all day) as if he were in the seat next to me and yes, I look pretty riduculous driving down the road talking, crying and sometimes screaming (yes, I admitted it). I have learned thats its easy to believe its "Gods will" when you have turned scripture to work in your favor and you cant get it off your mind, but Ive learned there is another character in our story. Satan is the king of lies and hes really good at what he does. He knows how our mind works and what we need to make choices and decisions. He feeds us thoughts and desires that will have our mind so caught up and trapped that we can justify anything into "Gods will". I believe thats what happened with that lady that drowned her five kids. I honestly believe that she suffered such deep depression and her mind contracted itself when she cried out for help, Satan had her mind and thoughts so entangled that she justified what she was doing even though none of us in our right minds could fathom what she had done. Im on the fence of even saying that mental illness is people tormented by the thoughts and mindgames of Satan himself and they just dont have enough to pull themselves out of it for reasons that most of us cant comprehend. I believe when I had suicidal thoughts over the course of 15 years that I was just at a point where my mind and thoughts were tormented and my depression took over to a place of numbness that I didnt even care. Generally consquences arent thought of in the moment of physical numbness that your in and I think thats why we have so many tragic outcomes with people who had no prior record or history. Drugs of course induce these and thats why I have chosen against medication for my bi polar and depression. I have impulsively done things that at the moment seemed to be the right thing only to regret it later. I am in the process of learning patience (very difficult) and peace. Instead of making impulsive decisions like I had done prior to my renewing, Im trying to make sure it really is the right thing. Im reading a book by Priscilla Shire " Discerning the voice of God: How to recognize when God is speaking" and Im really focusing on putting things into perpective. Im not really good at this, but I have learned more important to watch the things that will hurt me and can pick Satan out of a thought or situation much better than I can discern God. Thats pretty scary, but its a start.
I used to follow the saying "if its meant to be, then it will happen" but the problem with that is the laziness of thinking you dont have to work or do anything, that things just fall in place when you sit back and do nothing but the control freak (my past extreme) was to make things happen so balancing that statement has me dead center lined as of right now. Another saying that I followed was "doors will open if its right"....I have learned lately in studying Gods word that "not right now" doesnt mean "no", so sometimes "doors closing" just means "not right now", but so many of us give up at that point and do something completely different. I cant help but think of the walls of Jericho that was a fulfilled 300 year promise and yet still walked around 7 times before the prayer was answered. If we waitied 300 years we would never see an answer to prayer, but the point is that "not right now" doesnt mean "no". Imagine what those guys felt like walking around the walls 7 times the doubt and foolishness they must have felt. To think when something feels foolishness or we have doubt we just give up. I have a couple of friends and have heard other stories of people trying to adopt babies because they tried everything to have a baby and never successful so they adopted and through the long process and after many disappointments finally got there child and weeks/months later found out they were pregnant. I understand we want things so badly that we make a way and I understand there are hundreds of thousands of kids that need adoptive parents. Please dont think Im judging or misjudge what Im saying, but this example shows us that God was not telling them "no" , he was saying "not right now" and maybe because that adoptive child needed them and if God would have granted the families desire to have a baby of their own then that adoptive child would have never been adopted. God has his own plan and timimg and instead of going through our natural fleshly desires of doubt, worry, anger when we dont get what we want when we want it, we need to step back and think, "what is the lesson in this and is my desire in line with Gods desire for me". It really takes practice to understand this especially when we are used to getting what we want when we want it and the world at our finger tips with a couple clicks.
I will keep reading, keep praying and keep learning about how to discern Gods voice from Satans and my own natural flesh, but it is a work in progress and the closer I get to God, the more voices I have in my head. I learned that is the actual battle of spiritual warfare and working through waht needs to be closed and given up on and what is "not right nows". I am going through this journey on my knees with my arms stretched out to whatever God has for me, but the immaturity of my relationship with Christ has drawn a big blank. Im frustrated that I finally stopped kicking, screaming and objecting to what God wants for me and finally surrendered, but have no idea where to go or what to do. The greatest feeling in the world is when all those voices in my head stop and I am at peace, I feel like that is Gods sign to me that Im following his way and walking along side with him instead of talking myself out against his plan and purpose. Having an intimate relationship with God is the most peaceful and joyful experience of my life and compares nothing to the tradition of saying "im a christian" when in time of need or want. For so many years I was a "christian", did good works and participated in church, but I have to tell you that nothing compares to walking daily feeling his arms around me and the comfort of talking to him every step of the day. Its just a whole different world then I previously experienced and I dont think I wasnt doing something right, I just never knew this type of relationship existed till I fell on my knees and actually gave it my all. I walk with him in good and bad not just when things are bad as I did before. I thought thats what religion was, Im telling you, its so much deeper than surface and encourage you to step out of your place and dig deeper to find that place with God to where you wish you hadnt wasted so much time not living this way because once you feel it, you will never want to live any other way.
I used to follow the saying "if its meant to be, then it will happen" but the problem with that is the laziness of thinking you dont have to work or do anything, that things just fall in place when you sit back and do nothing but the control freak (my past extreme) was to make things happen so balancing that statement has me dead center lined as of right now. Another saying that I followed was "doors will open if its right"....I have learned lately in studying Gods word that "not right now" doesnt mean "no", so sometimes "doors closing" just means "not right now", but so many of us give up at that point and do something completely different. I cant help but think of the walls of Jericho that was a fulfilled 300 year promise and yet still walked around 7 times before the prayer was answered. If we waitied 300 years we would never see an answer to prayer, but the point is that "not right now" doesnt mean "no". Imagine what those guys felt like walking around the walls 7 times the doubt and foolishness they must have felt. To think when something feels foolishness or we have doubt we just give up. I have a couple of friends and have heard other stories of people trying to adopt babies because they tried everything to have a baby and never successful so they adopted and through the long process and after many disappointments finally got there child and weeks/months later found out they were pregnant. I understand we want things so badly that we make a way and I understand there are hundreds of thousands of kids that need adoptive parents. Please dont think Im judging or misjudge what Im saying, but this example shows us that God was not telling them "no" , he was saying "not right now" and maybe because that adoptive child needed them and if God would have granted the families desire to have a baby of their own then that adoptive child would have never been adopted. God has his own plan and timimg and instead of going through our natural fleshly desires of doubt, worry, anger when we dont get what we want when we want it, we need to step back and think, "what is the lesson in this and is my desire in line with Gods desire for me". It really takes practice to understand this especially when we are used to getting what we want when we want it and the world at our finger tips with a couple clicks.
I will keep reading, keep praying and keep learning about how to discern Gods voice from Satans and my own natural flesh, but it is a work in progress and the closer I get to God, the more voices I have in my head. I learned that is the actual battle of spiritual warfare and working through waht needs to be closed and given up on and what is "not right nows". I am going through this journey on my knees with my arms stretched out to whatever God has for me, but the immaturity of my relationship with Christ has drawn a big blank. Im frustrated that I finally stopped kicking, screaming and objecting to what God wants for me and finally surrendered, but have no idea where to go or what to do. The greatest feeling in the world is when all those voices in my head stop and I am at peace, I feel like that is Gods sign to me that Im following his way and walking along side with him instead of talking myself out against his plan and purpose. Having an intimate relationship with God is the most peaceful and joyful experience of my life and compares nothing to the tradition of saying "im a christian" when in time of need or want. For so many years I was a "christian", did good works and participated in church, but I have to tell you that nothing compares to walking daily feeling his arms around me and the comfort of talking to him every step of the day. Its just a whole different world then I previously experienced and I dont think I wasnt doing something right, I just never knew this type of relationship existed till I fell on my knees and actually gave it my all. I walk with him in good and bad not just when things are bad as I did before. I thought thats what religion was, Im telling you, its so much deeper than surface and encourage you to step out of your place and dig deeper to find that place with God to where you wish you hadnt wasted so much time not living this way because once you feel it, you will never want to live any other way.
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