Before my words get taken out of context again (yes, again).... I want to clarify that its not that I didnt love my boys with a mothers love (the only love I knew at the time). I just flat out didnt know what love was or what a family should be. Between my parents I have had eight sets of step parents (yes, you read it correctly). The truth is I learned two things growing up: 1) Dont get close to anyone because they will leave you, never to be seen again and 2) When your not happy you get divorced and find someone to make you happy. Key phrase that someone else determines your happiness. I grew up being a control freak so that nobody would ever hurt me and a perfectionist that if I could just do everything right then I would make everyone happy and they wouldnt be sad anymore. I drove myself crazy trying to be perfect and when I failed it shattered me internally to the point where at 15 years old I decided there was no point to living because I failed so much at making everyone happy and in the end traumatized myself leaving pretty big scars and temporary home in a psych unit.
I made pretty awful decisions after that but they all led to disappointments and brokeness, I shut myself down and changed from that point and became hard. I cared about a handful of people and nothing else. I became a mother at 19 and also a wife. My husband was diagnosed with leukemia immediately after we met and weeks after losing my heart (grandpa) to cancer. My son became my life and all the mattered to me in this world. I tried to make things better for him and love him as I only dreamed of being loved. My marriage failed quickly with pressures of turning 21, dealing with illness for so long, pressures of working to support my baby and lack of knowledge. I had no idea how to be a wife, my husband hated my cooking and hated the way I cleaned so he did them both. All I knew is how to be the mother I saw others be. I met my hero a year later and had baby #2 almost instantly, bought a restraunt, went to nursing school, bought rental property, moved in with my dad and got married all in the same year and all at the same time. I was molded into the roles I was playing and really just rolling with the punches. Baby #2 turned into to toddler terror and was kicked out of every school at the same time I was trying to run 3 careers and I just got very bitter and depressed. When the two boys started fighting I just pushed the chaos out and froze solid. I became so cold, withdrawn, depressed and bitter as to feeling that this is what life had to offer and I hated it. There were days where I would drive down the road wondering if I just ran off the road if my life could just be over. My kids are my heroes and have kept me standing upright. Every suicidal thought that I have had since they were born was followed by how my kids lives would be if they grew up without a mom that thought they werent worth her life and I couldnt bear it. I had guilt for fantastic people who were awesome and couldnt have kids yet I took mine forgranted. I had guilt that people are fighting for their lives everyday and I was willing to end mine within a snap. Naturally, my marriage was over and it was time to start over....but, instead of throwing in the towel we started to church and marriage courses which seemed to have turned around our marriage and we did what any happy family would do and decided to have a baby. A baby fixes everything right? NOT. I lost that baby at 4 months always wondering if that was my little girl and soon after became pregnant again with bouncing baby boy #3. We decided the house was too small and persued my husbands dream of farm life. Started renovating a house (actually torn it down) and started over. At nine months we thought we ought to get the house on the market, have baby and move....yea right! House sold in three days, baby due in a week unfinished renovated home and outta money. FUN TIMES. As we appeared to be marriage healthy we persued this new life only to find out several months later that my husband had been cheating on me for six months. So I failed again and the depression was at its peak with three small kids, a farm, real estate career, investing career and extra baby weight with no money in the bank to go anywhere. My biggest fear was my kids growing up like I did and yet its exactly what I created for them. I went from trying to make everyone happy and transitioning to I dont care if your happy or not, Im gonna do life my way and if you dont like it then hit the road.
As I look back now I can see Gods hands in my life but I wasnt willing to give myself to him knowing all I could possibly do was disappoint him. I did start seeking him and his word at the time and church became traditional as to turning our home around and I made the decision to stay and just be better, thinking if I had been better than none of this would have happened. Im not going to keep dragging this story out I could write a novel, but the point is this.............this was my reality and I motioned through life taking it all forgranted because I didnt care about anything and had no problem if it ended. I have since found purpose in my family and children and give God all the glory. When I discovered his design to life, marriage and family then I began to embrace my kids and enjoy what God had blessed me with and I can say now they are blessings. I cant imagine if I had lost one of them after losing so much time pawning them off to other people to watch because I was too busy. I cant get that time back, but I will dedicate the rest of my life to those three little boys teaching them Gods plan and helping discover their talents and gifts. I have found love in life and those around me in it and I hope they embrace what love is and that I can be and/or have them around enough examples of what family is and should be so that they can lead strong, fullfilled, prosperous and happy lives. Im not the mom I wish I could be, but Im alot closer now than I have ever been before.
I made pretty awful decisions after that but they all led to disappointments and brokeness, I shut myself down and changed from that point and became hard. I cared about a handful of people and nothing else. I became a mother at 19 and also a wife. My husband was diagnosed with leukemia immediately after we met and weeks after losing my heart (grandpa) to cancer. My son became my life and all the mattered to me in this world. I tried to make things better for him and love him as I only dreamed of being loved. My marriage failed quickly with pressures of turning 21, dealing with illness for so long, pressures of working to support my baby and lack of knowledge. I had no idea how to be a wife, my husband hated my cooking and hated the way I cleaned so he did them both. All I knew is how to be the mother I saw others be. I met my hero a year later and had baby #2 almost instantly, bought a restraunt, went to nursing school, bought rental property, moved in with my dad and got married all in the same year and all at the same time. I was molded into the roles I was playing and really just rolling with the punches. Baby #2 turned into to toddler terror and was kicked out of every school at the same time I was trying to run 3 careers and I just got very bitter and depressed. When the two boys started fighting I just pushed the chaos out and froze solid. I became so cold, withdrawn, depressed and bitter as to feeling that this is what life had to offer and I hated it. There were days where I would drive down the road wondering if I just ran off the road if my life could just be over. My kids are my heroes and have kept me standing upright. Every suicidal thought that I have had since they were born was followed by how my kids lives would be if they grew up without a mom that thought they werent worth her life and I couldnt bear it. I had guilt for fantastic people who were awesome and couldnt have kids yet I took mine forgranted. I had guilt that people are fighting for their lives everyday and I was willing to end mine within a snap. Naturally, my marriage was over and it was time to start over....but, instead of throwing in the towel we started to church and marriage courses which seemed to have turned around our marriage and we did what any happy family would do and decided to have a baby. A baby fixes everything right? NOT. I lost that baby at 4 months always wondering if that was my little girl and soon after became pregnant again with bouncing baby boy #3. We decided the house was too small and persued my husbands dream of farm life. Started renovating a house (actually torn it down) and started over. At nine months we thought we ought to get the house on the market, have baby and move....yea right! House sold in three days, baby due in a week unfinished renovated home and outta money. FUN TIMES. As we appeared to be marriage healthy we persued this new life only to find out several months later that my husband had been cheating on me for six months. So I failed again and the depression was at its peak with three small kids, a farm, real estate career, investing career and extra baby weight with no money in the bank to go anywhere. My biggest fear was my kids growing up like I did and yet its exactly what I created for them. I went from trying to make everyone happy and transitioning to I dont care if your happy or not, Im gonna do life my way and if you dont like it then hit the road.
As I look back now I can see Gods hands in my life but I wasnt willing to give myself to him knowing all I could possibly do was disappoint him. I did start seeking him and his word at the time and church became traditional as to turning our home around and I made the decision to stay and just be better, thinking if I had been better than none of this would have happened. Im not going to keep dragging this story out I could write a novel, but the point is this.............this was my reality and I motioned through life taking it all forgranted because I didnt care about anything and had no problem if it ended. I have since found purpose in my family and children and give God all the glory. When I discovered his design to life, marriage and family then I began to embrace my kids and enjoy what God had blessed me with and I can say now they are blessings. I cant imagine if I had lost one of them after losing so much time pawning them off to other people to watch because I was too busy. I cant get that time back, but I will dedicate the rest of my life to those three little boys teaching them Gods plan and helping discover their talents and gifts. I have found love in life and those around me in it and I hope they embrace what love is and that I can be and/or have them around enough examples of what family is and should be so that they can lead strong, fullfilled, prosperous and happy lives. Im not the mom I wish I could be, but Im alot closer now than I have ever been before.
I know that you now know this, but you are not alone and not the only one with those struggles and feelings. The best news is God can heal all!! Thanks for sharing and caring. May we all take a bit of this story and seek God's love and live the life he intended for us. Your boy's will be better for knowing what you went through and how God helped you and will always be there for them.
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