History...

I thought in order for you to be able to understand where Im going you might need to go back and see how this started. About two and a half years ago Oklahoma Marriage Iniative (OMI) approved my application to become a workshop leader. I was so excited but had to go to OKC for a week training and it was scheduled for Spring. Spring came around and they called me for details and the conversation went something like this, " you arent going to want me anymore to run your workshops helping peoples marriages, because I am now divorced and don't believe in marriage". The fact is, I thought marriage was joke and disaster. Here I was 31 years old divorced twice with three little boys to raise. I surrended all my stubbordness and fell on my knees. I wasnt praying for a family, relationship with men or marriage....I just wanted GOD. I just wanted to be happy after 2 failed marriages and a not so ideal upbringing. I dove into Gods word and read as many books as I could. I faced my fear of joining the choir (stagefright) and signed up for a missions trip (antisocial) in Haiti (as far as I could get from here being a single mother). I started attending every service and event I could at church.....and then it happened, my light switched to on. Sure, I dated but I really enjoyed the friendships, I didnt want a relationship. I started learning what Gods plan for a woman is and as I read the roles of woman, wives and mothers my heart took a toll. Maybe if I was that person then I wouldnt have gotten married or divorced (twice). My heart, desires, behavior and life started transforming. I thought I really could see myself having a family someday and it be completely different if I had Christ and love in my heart. I was bitter, hurt, unforgiving and cold. The guys I dated started peeling layers but never lasted long enough to reap the benefits of who I was becoming (I carry guilt about that and still learning). I went to Haiti and my heart took a different toll....one I hope last forever with a calling to missions. My desire was to travel the world and do missions for the rest of my life, but there was one issue.... I had three small boys who needed a mother. I begin to get bitter as if they were holding me back from traveling the world sharing Gods word. One conversation changed that thought and I have asked forgiveness and buried it after that....a friend said this, "God has a plan for your life and he has blessed you with those boys. The bible says children are Gods greatest blessings and a mother is the highest calling of God." WOW! Really? I wanted to climb in a hole, it wasnt that I didnt love my boys (mothers love), I just wanted to make a difference in the world. I also learned that God wasnt saying "no" to missions but for now those boys were my mission and the difference I can make in their lives and future generations is HUGE! Im raising men that will be out there raising a family and some day serving God in the ministry somewhere (hopefully). My impact on their lives is what God called me to do and from then on, I have been learning how to change from the most heartless, cruel, cold person who had no idea what love was and assumed it just wasnt in my cards to becoming a Proverbs 31 woman (still working on that). Before you get the wrong impression of me as many have, let me say this....I was the most compassionate, helping person you had ever met if you were in real need and not my family. There are people that have seen very opposite sides of me and it has been summed up to me like this....I didnt know what love, family and marriage was but in the real world I was known for great success at everything I touched (controlling and perfectionism). Most people assumed I had it all together because thats how I sheltered the real me (who I didnt even know existed). I got caught up in success and charity work to prove I was a somebody, but on the inside I was a disaster and my family is who took the beating and when it got to be too much, I walked away leaving my home to start over and find happiness.These last two years I have been rebuilt not to be mistaken for repaired. There is no bandaid covering my wounds, there are brand new parts and I would love to share these journeys and lessons with you.