Skip to main content

History...

I thought in order for you to be able to understand where Im going you might need to go back and see how this started. About two and a half years ago Oklahoma Marriage Iniative (OMI) approved my application to become a workshop leader. I was so excited but had to go to OKC for a week training and it was scheduled for Spring. Spring came around and they called me for details and the conversation went something like this, " you arent going to want me anymore to run your workshops helping peoples marriages, because I am now divorced and don't believe in marriage". The fact is, I thought marriage was joke and disaster. Here I was 31 years old divorced twice with three little boys to raise. I surrended all my stubbordness and fell on my knees. I wasnt praying for a family, relationship with men or marriage....I just wanted GOD. I just wanted to be happy after 2 failed marriages and a not so ideal upbringing. I dove into Gods word and read as many books as I could. I faced my fear of joining the choir (stagefright) and signed up for a missions trip (antisocial) in Haiti (as far as I could get from here being a single mother). I started attending every service and event I could at church.....and then it happened, my light switched to on. Sure, I dated but I really enjoyed the friendships, I didnt want a relationship. I started learning what Gods plan for a woman is and as I read the roles of woman, wives and mothers my heart took a toll. Maybe if I was that person then I wouldnt have gotten married or divorced (twice). My heart, desires, behavior and life started transforming. I thought I really could see myself having a family someday and it be completely different if I had Christ and love in my heart. I was bitter, hurt, unforgiving and cold. The guys I dated started peeling layers but never lasted long enough to reap the benefits of who I was becoming (I carry guilt about that and still learning). I went to Haiti and my heart took a different toll....one I hope last forever with a calling to missions. My desire was to travel the world and do missions for the rest of my life, but there was one issue.... I had three small boys who needed a mother. I begin to get bitter as if they were holding me back from traveling the world sharing Gods word. One conversation changed that thought and I have asked forgiveness and buried it after that....a friend said this, "God has a plan for your life and he has blessed you with those boys. The bible says children are Gods greatest blessings and a mother is the highest calling of God." WOW! Really? I wanted to climb in a hole, it wasnt that I didnt love my boys (mothers love), I just wanted to make a difference in the world. I also learned that God wasnt saying "no" to missions but for now those boys were my mission and the difference I can make in their lives and future generations is HUGE! Im raising men that will be out there raising a family and some day serving God in the ministry somewhere (hopefully). My impact on their lives is what God called me to do and from then on, I have been learning how to change from the most heartless, cruel, cold person who had no idea what love was and assumed it just wasnt in my cards to becoming a Proverbs 31 woman (still working on that). Before you get the wrong impression of me as many have, let me say this....I was the most compassionate, helping person you had ever met if you were in real need and not my family. There are people that have seen very opposite sides of me and it has been summed up to me like this....I didnt know what love, family and marriage was but in the real world I was known for great success at everything I touched (controlling and perfectionism). Most people assumed I had it all together because thats how I sheltered the real me (who I didnt even know existed). I got caught up in success and charity work to prove I was a somebody, but on the inside I was a disaster and my family is who took the beating and when it got to be too much, I walked away leaving my home to start over and find happiness.These last two years I have been rebuilt not to be mistaken for repaired. There is no bandaid covering my wounds, there are brand new parts and I would love to share these journeys and lessons with you.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Hillsong

 I came across Hillsong music around 1997. I was 17 , just lost my grandfather the most precious person to me and with my heart full of "why Gods", there is just something about Hillsong music that brings me to my knees. This music has been with me through the hardest moments in my life ever since. I had no idea it was a church or school until recently. I have every CD (for those that know what that is haha) and they have been played over and over that Ive had to rebuy them. Now I have Hillsong music on pandora so it plays through my car. I can scream it at the top of my lungs on a good day or say nothing at all on a bad day. Last week I accidently stumbled across the documentary so I watched it. I learned alot. I had no idea any of that had gone on to be honest. I didnt know what to think or say so I took a couple days to process. I have said this before in past post about putting people in the church on pedestals. Yes, I have also been hurt on more than one occasion from mu...
Post a Comment
Read more

PK

So I have a disheartning confession...Im a plant killer (boo). My mother calls me PK (not joking). Its super frustrating to be so passionate about something and be so bad at it. Every year I spend hundreds of dollars on plants, seeds, soil only to kill everything within months sometimes weeks. I research, I plan, I study and nothing. I can buy garden vegetable plants from the store and keep the plants alive but cant get them produce. Ive tried indoor gardening with lights, container gardening, in ground gardening and raised bed gardening with all the same results. I feel like I have even blogged all this trauma before now that I think about it because it s yearly disappointment. I can grow seeds into pods and give them away because I have so many then kill the plants I keep. What gives? I will tell you about 15 years ago I lived on a farm and had the most amazing garden EVER!! I also had the most amazing father in law that tended to it everyday. I had fruit trees and a blackberry garde...
Post a Comment
Read more

"Simpsons vs Flanders"

The last blog post was about being seen differently by people and not acting the way of the world. I have been mocked a couple times by the way I have chosen my life and Im ok with that, but my heart keeps telling me theres more to say. Its the wierdest thing to have your heart pulled and tugged for what has been on my mind, but the only way to put it to rest is to write it out. The podcast of life church was a series "from this day forward" learning five principles for marriage. I will use the same quote as before, it just got to me,"If you want to have a different marriage and family than everyone else, then you have to do things differently than everyone else". It really is a very powerful statement. We do have rules in our marriage and home that most people think is ridiculous and most of the time my husband thinks they are ridiculous, but weve been married before and you all know how that worked out so, if we want a different marriage, we will have to do differ...
Post a Comment
Read more