On the search to seeking Gods will

I started a facebook post tonight, but thought I would get a ton of misinterpretations if I posted it and a call from my mother, perhaps maybe even the suicide hotline.... so I decided to write out the thoughts surrounding it hoping to ease my mothers mind a bit. "There just has to be a better way to do life than the hard way I've chosen....this just cant be it. Exhausted on every level. I'm throwing away my cape as my super hero powers have left me. I am weak. The last piece of sequence and glitter has fallen off my costume. I have no shine and no sparkle left anymore. I find myself once again cold and hard. Is this death or am I just headed that way?" I will not say that I haven't thought about driving off a bridge a few times, but no need to call the ward yet. Although I am still physically breathing...my mental, emotional and spiritual life have died or very close to it. Out of my Christ following five whole years, the last two have been the absolute harde...

Its been five months since I've written last, I've started so many but just didn't have words of encouragement or even hope for that matter. My work life has been such a whirlwind, my love life haha...what a joke and my family life has been hard. I've never been unmarried long enough to see the long lasting effects of divorce on my own children until this year. Its been a little over two and a half years since I moved out of the farm and not a day goes by that I don't grieve what I have done to my kids. I've spent so much time looking for my purpose and where I belonged in the kingdom of God that I didn't take the responsibility of my kids as my purpose. I spent too much time looking outside of my home life for my missional purpose completely obliterated by the fact it could have been wife and mom in the home I already had. It has come to my awareness through this fast (yes, its that time of year again) and the dangerous prayer of "search my heart oh ...

Day 4- Im in LOVE with the food and my team (Have I mentioned that?). Its Sunday...church day. A day of traditions, families and rest. Although my migraine wont let up, it was overcast today so I got to enjoy the day a little better. Every other country service I have been to is outdoors or open building with no a/c, packed tightly and last FOREVER!!! BUT- The spirit moves, people are full of joy and the music is incredible. Its the most surreal surrounding as your surrounded by people you don't know and cant understand yet see God so clearly. Its one of the most beautiful things I have ever experienced in my life and when Im stressed to the max daily, I can close my eyes and hear the music and see the people, sounds and even smells of the church services around the world and it brings me to a place of quiet and sense of Godly peace. Taking deep breaths and embracing it can bring me to a place of serenity in any trial or storm. "All athletes are disciplined in their training...

  I  waited to post from my trip to make sure I wasn't writing out of raw emotion as I have done before. I instead wrote in my journal and planned to share what I wrote when I was settled back in "my life routine" Here is my experience on the plane headed to Belize and rest of the week... Timehop three years ago popped up on day one of my trip and this is what I posted, "We focus on what were doing and where we are going, but Gods primary concern is who we are becoming in the process" from the book "The Circle Maker" Day 1- The last two years I have put my focus on the job. Getting everything done, doing whatever it takes to make things happen. I have completely taken my eyes of God and fulfilling any of his purposes for me. It was never intentional rather a feeling of survival mode to support my kids. I feel like time has stood still since leaving my hectic life behind, getting on this plane and finding myself feeling very alone wondering if the b...

Ive thought about love a lot lately. When I first became newly single about a year and a half ago, I tried the dating scene. I should have taken that precious time to get myself together, but the thought of being alone literally paralyzed me. A trusted mentor of mine told me to make a list of the qualities and characteristics I was looking for in a potential partner. I blew it off...just being honest. I feel like placing expectations on someone of meeting the list qualifications or else just doesn't sit right. People change, people make mistakes but, I have since then found myself in confusion and compromising situations because Ive tried to justify each situation and mold it into what I think it could be or should be rather than what it actually is. There have been many times I have recapped our conversation and the thought of making the list has resurfaced. Im ready to write "The List". - Above all he must love God with everything he is and will be. The fear of the Lo...

I cannot do this any longer, I cannot continue to live this way. My life is just not where it needs to be. I need to be redirected and refocused on God, my kids and my career. My life has been clouded. The enemy is pushing me towards a wall to stumble and fall when I'm at my weakest and he wins.  I cried out to God, literally sitting in my car while the kids are at soccer practice, bawling my eyes out for two hours (Thank goodness for dark sunglasses and very dark tinted windows). I feel like I'm marching around the walls for no purpose, I'm just walking around in circles waiting for the promises of the seventh day. When will the walls disappear? Where are the trumpets in my life Lord? Everything I do has fallen short, I cant help but to feel like a failure with work, kids, marriage. I know everyone falls short at one time or another, but I feel like I do I every time with everything. This juggling act of making it each day just to get by to one ...

"Life can only be understood backwards but it must be lived forwards", I read this from a friends post a few months ago, but I just cant get it off my mind. My step mom teased me in January for my birthday telling me I was now middle aged (35), let me just say I physically feel it. Replacing roofs and laying floors just don't do my back, shoulders, knees and hands very well anymore. I remember teasing my grandma growing up as she held her butt (hips) and ooooh'ed and awww'ed as she walked, isn't it funny how the nerves hit me in the same place getting out of my car. I just cant help but giggle every time even though Im in real agonizing pain. Maybe I am middle aged as I find a lot of my time rethinking my first half of life. I feel stuck in a place of resentment for all my failures and bad choices. I flew to Florida this weekend and read "Becoming Myself" by Stasi Eldredge. It pointed out many truths, but also I learned that Im not alone on some of t...