"Life can only be understood backwards but it must be lived forwards", I read this from a friends post a few months ago, but I just cant get it off my mind. My step mom teased me in January for my birthday telling me I was now middle aged (35), let me just say I physically feel it. Replacing roofs and laying floors just don't do my back, shoulders, knees and hands very well anymore. I remember teasing my grandma growing up as she held her butt (hips) and ooooh'ed and awww'ed as she walked, isn't it funny how the nerves hit me in the same place getting out of my car. I just cant help but giggle every time even though Im in real agonizing pain. Maybe I am middle aged as I find a lot of my time rethinking my first half of life. I feel stuck in a place of resentment for all my failures and bad choices. I flew to Florida this weekend and read "Becoming Myself" by Stasi Eldredge. It pointed out many truths, but also I learned that Im not alone on some of the thoughts and behaviors Ive been experiencing. I feel so alone and hold so much in that it was a relief to read Im not as weird as I thought I was. Don't get me wrong, Im still very weird, but apparently very normal also. Sometimes we get stuck in the shoulda, coulda, wouldas and what ifs that we disable our ability to keep moving forward. Stasi wrote and reminded me of this:
"Part of our healing comes with forgiveness (of ourselves and others), and part of it comes with repentance. But first, we have to begin with how God sees us:
- You are deeply and completely loved (Rom 8:38-39)
- You are totally and completely forgiven (1 John 2:12)
- When God sees you, he sees the righteousness of Jesus (2 Cor 5:21)
- You mean the whole world to him (John 3:16)
- He thinks you are beautiful. Right now. (Song 4:1)
- He is committed to your restoration (Rom 8:29)
- You are not now, nor have you ever been, alone (Heb 13:5)"
Thank you Stasi for obedience and God for speaking through her in a way I needed and I have a feeling there are others that may need these words also. God is the only one that can fill our voids and meet our deepest needs and desires within our hearts. I have heard so many tragic stories within the last few months and it just makes realize that I don't give enough thanks and praise for the things I take forgranted like a clean bill of health or working four jobs. I begin to gripe that I have to get up and be somewhere instead of being grateful that I have a place to go. I hate the school runs and lunches and homework and extra curricular activities, but I haven't taken the time to thank God for them. I can guarantee you that there are people wishin they could do it again or one last time. Those that have lost their battles and precious ones are experiencing real pain, Im just being lazy. Really kind of insulting God. I gripe about my back and hands hurting, but don't thank him that I have the skills and capabilities to work to create homes for others and feed my family. There is someone out there who lost the ability to walk and I complain that I don't get to sit. I have every body function, sense and freedom that life offers yet I grumble. Its time to be thankful and look back at my life as stepping stones each way and look back at the miracles that took place and see with fresh eyes and maturity where God was in those times and how he has always came through and showed his light in every situation in my life. I was stupid. I made bad choices and decisions. I should have been physically dead on many occasions, but God had a different plan, who am I to complain and grumble at HIS beautiful and perfect work? If God tells us through his word how he feels about us then why would we listen to ourselves and/or the other battling party (Satan) working behind us to tear up and destroy everything? "Crash the Chatterbox" by Steven Furtick is another amazing book on all those voices in your head if your looking for a great read.
I visited a weight doctor this week for the first time in my life (must be middle age lol). I faced the reality of where I am, how I got here and how to change it. I was embarrassed when I walked in and uncomfortable in the waiting room. It struck me that all these women viewed themselves the same way I did myself and then I had a change of heart. I have been so focused on losing my beauty and body (thank you middle age) that I forgot that I am a daughter of the King and the creator of this world and everything in it doesn't make mistakes. He is the author of beauty and that includes me. I thought if the women in the waiting room including myself put as much focus on how God sees us and the courses of our lives and all the things we could be doing for him instead of worrying about a weigh in and medication to fix it, we could probably change the world. Maybe one person at a time if we focused on the needs of others instead of obsessing over our weight, changing someone elses world at least. It was just very sad and surreal to me. I did learn that was the biggest Ive ever been other than pregnancy and depression sunk in a bit, but again there is a whole world out there with real issues and one persons weight is not one of them. Why cant we appreciate and be thankful for who we are just the way we are and I stress the "we" actually speaking to "me".
I just feel so drained and unhappy yet I have absolutely nothing in the world to be unhappy about. Truth is I must have a empty space somewhere and if that's the case, I know what I need to do to fill it and its not a diet. I need worship and the spirit. I need gratefulness and thankfulness surrendering on my own before an opportunity finds me the hard way to open my eyes and heart. I want blessings. I read a little quote on facebook today, "Prayers go up, blessings come down".... how cute. Lord forgive me for acting like a bratty, spoiled, selfish child and for taking your creations for granted. I thank you that I am breathing fresh air, drinking fresh water, have food to eat, physical health and beautiful boys with perfect health. Thank you for work, friendships, relationships, family, love and passion to know and serve you more.
"Part of our healing comes with forgiveness (of ourselves and others), and part of it comes with repentance. But first, we have to begin with how God sees us:
- You are deeply and completely loved (Rom 8:38-39)
- You are totally and completely forgiven (1 John 2:12)
- When God sees you, he sees the righteousness of Jesus (2 Cor 5:21)
- You mean the whole world to him (John 3:16)
- He thinks you are beautiful. Right now. (Song 4:1)
- He is committed to your restoration (Rom 8:29)
- You are not now, nor have you ever been, alone (Heb 13:5)"
Thank you Stasi for obedience and God for speaking through her in a way I needed and I have a feeling there are others that may need these words also. God is the only one that can fill our voids and meet our deepest needs and desires within our hearts. I have heard so many tragic stories within the last few months and it just makes realize that I don't give enough thanks and praise for the things I take forgranted like a clean bill of health or working four jobs. I begin to gripe that I have to get up and be somewhere instead of being grateful that I have a place to go. I hate the school runs and lunches and homework and extra curricular activities, but I haven't taken the time to thank God for them. I can guarantee you that there are people wishin they could do it again or one last time. Those that have lost their battles and precious ones are experiencing real pain, Im just being lazy. Really kind of insulting God. I gripe about my back and hands hurting, but don't thank him that I have the skills and capabilities to work to create homes for others and feed my family. There is someone out there who lost the ability to walk and I complain that I don't get to sit. I have every body function, sense and freedom that life offers yet I grumble. Its time to be thankful and look back at my life as stepping stones each way and look back at the miracles that took place and see with fresh eyes and maturity where God was in those times and how he has always came through and showed his light in every situation in my life. I was stupid. I made bad choices and decisions. I should have been physically dead on many occasions, but God had a different plan, who am I to complain and grumble at HIS beautiful and perfect work? If God tells us through his word how he feels about us then why would we listen to ourselves and/or the other battling party (Satan) working behind us to tear up and destroy everything? "Crash the Chatterbox" by Steven Furtick is another amazing book on all those voices in your head if your looking for a great read.
I visited a weight doctor this week for the first time in my life (must be middle age lol). I faced the reality of where I am, how I got here and how to change it. I was embarrassed when I walked in and uncomfortable in the waiting room. It struck me that all these women viewed themselves the same way I did myself and then I had a change of heart. I have been so focused on losing my beauty and body (thank you middle age) that I forgot that I am a daughter of the King and the creator of this world and everything in it doesn't make mistakes. He is the author of beauty and that includes me. I thought if the women in the waiting room including myself put as much focus on how God sees us and the courses of our lives and all the things we could be doing for him instead of worrying about a weigh in and medication to fix it, we could probably change the world. Maybe one person at a time if we focused on the needs of others instead of obsessing over our weight, changing someone elses world at least. It was just very sad and surreal to me. I did learn that was the biggest Ive ever been other than pregnancy and depression sunk in a bit, but again there is a whole world out there with real issues and one persons weight is not one of them. Why cant we appreciate and be thankful for who we are just the way we are and I stress the "we" actually speaking to "me".
I just feel so drained and unhappy yet I have absolutely nothing in the world to be unhappy about. Truth is I must have a empty space somewhere and if that's the case, I know what I need to do to fill it and its not a diet. I need worship and the spirit. I need gratefulness and thankfulness surrendering on my own before an opportunity finds me the hard way to open my eyes and heart. I want blessings. I read a little quote on facebook today, "Prayers go up, blessings come down".... how cute. Lord forgive me for acting like a bratty, spoiled, selfish child and for taking your creations for granted. I thank you that I am breathing fresh air, drinking fresh water, have food to eat, physical health and beautiful boys with perfect health. Thank you for work, friendships, relationships, family, love and passion to know and serve you more.
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