I cannot do this any longer, I cannot continue to live this way. My life is just not where it needs to be. I need to be redirected and refocused on God, my kids and my career. My life has been clouded. The enemy is pushing me towards a wall to stumble and fall when I'm at my weakest and he wins. I cried out to God, literally sitting in my car while the kids are at soccer practice, bawling my eyes out for two hours (Thank goodness for dark sunglasses and very dark tinted windows). I feel like I'm marching around the walls for no purpose, I'm just walking around in circles waiting for the promises of the seventh day. When will the walls disappear? Where are the trumpets in my life Lord?
Everything I do has fallen short, I cant help but to feel like a failure with work, kids, marriage. I know everyone falls short at one time or another, but I feel like I do I every time with everything. This juggling act of making it each day just to get by to one more day is not the quality of life that we are instructed to lead. I'm feeling defeated, lonely and broken down...I'm tired. After I cried till I couldn't anymore, I was sitting in silence when Joshua and the battle of Jericho came to mind (Imagine that...a message in the silence of a broken heart and shattered spirit). The Jericho gates were secured with walls all around it, chained locked gates means no entrance, but God had another plan and trusted it to Joshua to be carried out. Joshua was obedient even though he didn't know and understand the plan, he had already learned from Moses that things don't always make any sense to us, but it doesn't mean they wont or cant happen. It simply means that faith in Gods purpose will prevail and triumph anything when carried out through obedience and Joshua had already seen and heard first hand from God delivering and saving the Israelites. Faith in every capacity meaning His placement, his timing, the environment around us, the people around us, using our talents and gifts, our capabilities, everything.
You never know when it is your last lap, but we have to have the faith to keep going to enter into the promised land. Joshua's faith led him to obedience even when things didn't make sense. Perhaps he does that with us so that our trust and faith is completely in him and not in ourselves or in the task were trying to accomplish. I'm sure the soldiers didn't just say ok and do it because Joshua said. As a leader on assignment from God, I know he had to of been tested. I'm guessing from being a mom and business owner that those soldiers were already emotional from leaving the comfort of their homes to go fight not knowing if they were coming home. I'm sure the weather conditions weren't perfect and their armor was heavy and they were adrenaline pumped yet tired and hungry. On top of that, not only did they endure the journey, but when they got there the assignment was to walk around the walls and quietly. Can you picture it in your head on how that went down? Maybe the first day after the journey but five more days after that? Would you have quit and went home before the seventh day because you thought the mission was pointless, stupid, wrong or you were bored? Maybe you would feel you got the wrong message or wrong assignment. I would have thought I took the wrong career path, I know I would have! I would have questioned every move, every minute of the day to find the logic (my logic) before acting in obedience, but God doesn't work that way or we wouldn't have a need for faith. Why would you quit the race because you cant see the finish line? I heard of a story a couple weeks ago of a swimmer that set out to make a new world record. A large amount of swimming distance and she quit less than a few miles of the record, not knowing she was only a few miles because she couldn't see it when the fog set in (She later went on to complete a second time) but she quit after all that training, all that time, all that work because she didn't see the end and it was just a touch away. You and I both know what its like to travel with children. The complaining, the fighting, the demands, the threats, the defying behavior, the testing....as a leader heading an army of soldiers, Joshua's patience had to be thin by at least the second day. I probably would have attacked my own army, In fact I know I would have because I do (my kids, work, marriage). I'm so busy being mad, confused and frustrated at my purpose, plan and getting by day to day just making it that when things don't go the way I think they should or when they should... I attack. Satan knows I'm a soldier of God and if he can keep my stumbling and falling, crashing my head on high walls and locked gates, I will never open my eyes to see over the walls. Joshua witnessed all that with the Israelites and Moses, so he already knew. He also witnessed many provisions and promises met by God through Moses' leadership, faith and obedience to God. He still had to have endured test himself, yet he honored God through faith and obedience.
Moses felt incapable of being used by God and so did Joseph, but God chose them to lead His people and he has chosen us as well. The battle of Jericho was won with the leadership of Joshua who was obedient to God. If you keep reading the next battle after didn't have the same turnout when one man decided not to obey and it cost many men their lives and the overall battle. Sometimes we win life battles with faith and obedience and sometimes they turn into catastrophe when we take matters into our own hands and don't wait for instruction or obey God. We either think something isn't happening and try to make it happen, or believe its not happening fast enough so instead of waiting to the seventh day to finish out the command, we stop at six just before the miracle. If Joseph took his focus off of God and took matters into his own hands, the ending would not be the same. The same goes for me (us)....we cant win the battle if we take the focus off of Gods plan and do things ourselves. We have to learn to obey all the time.... not just when things are going smooth and on our timeline, but even when days one through six seem to be a complete waste of time and the task is to walk around when were ready to draw our swords and fight. When God makes promises, he fulfills them. It is our job to be patient and follow in obedience. He who begins a good work in you, will finish it (Phil 1:6).
I love a missionaries heart because God says "GO" and they go. They don't know where they are going, how they are going to get there or what they will be doing....but they go and "All things work together for the glory of God for those who love him" (Rom 8:28). It is in his glory that we are to lead battles because we are his soldiers. Did you ever wonder why we have been through so many battles? How many have you lost and how many have you won? What did you do differently from the wins vs the losses? I wonder how many of those battles were brought on by ourselves that were extra warfare because we gave up on day six of the last battle so we endured more brought on by ourselves that were really not ours to carry on in the first place. Have you ever wondered what the lesson God was trying to teach you and if you look back on them now do you see them with clarity? I'm guessing from experience there was not much clarity when you went through the battle and that is where faith is born. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen (Heb 11:1). Were all missionaries and we all have an assignment. I need to let go of knowing the details and start the assignment and/or next battle by walking. Walking with God in his word and building the relationship needed to understand command to be able to follow through. The only way to walk again at this point is for me to get up off the ground, stand up, dust myself off, gain my balance and put one foot in front of the other. I cant nor do I want to do this life without God in everything I do.
Lord, renew my strength and broken spirit so that I can stand and walk upright again to continue through the battles as your obedient and faithful servant/soldier so that your purpose will prevail. I don't want to give up on the sixth day before the miracle. Open my new eyes and ears so I can focus and see/hear you in all of this chaos. Help me to see over the wall and not be looking or dwelling at the locked gates and opportunities that weren't for me to begin with. Amen.
Everything I do has fallen short, I cant help but to feel like a failure with work, kids, marriage. I know everyone falls short at one time or another, but I feel like I do I every time with everything. This juggling act of making it each day just to get by to one more day is not the quality of life that we are instructed to lead. I'm feeling defeated, lonely and broken down...I'm tired. After I cried till I couldn't anymore, I was sitting in silence when Joshua and the battle of Jericho came to mind (Imagine that...a message in the silence of a broken heart and shattered spirit). The Jericho gates were secured with walls all around it, chained locked gates means no entrance, but God had another plan and trusted it to Joshua to be carried out. Joshua was obedient even though he didn't know and understand the plan, he had already learned from Moses that things don't always make any sense to us, but it doesn't mean they wont or cant happen. It simply means that faith in Gods purpose will prevail and triumph anything when carried out through obedience and Joshua had already seen and heard first hand from God delivering and saving the Israelites. Faith in every capacity meaning His placement, his timing, the environment around us, the people around us, using our talents and gifts, our capabilities, everything.
You never know when it is your last lap, but we have to have the faith to keep going to enter into the promised land. Joshua's faith led him to obedience even when things didn't make sense. Perhaps he does that with us so that our trust and faith is completely in him and not in ourselves or in the task were trying to accomplish. I'm sure the soldiers didn't just say ok and do it because Joshua said. As a leader on assignment from God, I know he had to of been tested. I'm guessing from being a mom and business owner that those soldiers were already emotional from leaving the comfort of their homes to go fight not knowing if they were coming home. I'm sure the weather conditions weren't perfect and their armor was heavy and they were adrenaline pumped yet tired and hungry. On top of that, not only did they endure the journey, but when they got there the assignment was to walk around the walls and quietly. Can you picture it in your head on how that went down? Maybe the first day after the journey but five more days after that? Would you have quit and went home before the seventh day because you thought the mission was pointless, stupid, wrong or you were bored? Maybe you would feel you got the wrong message or wrong assignment. I would have thought I took the wrong career path, I know I would have! I would have questioned every move, every minute of the day to find the logic (my logic) before acting in obedience, but God doesn't work that way or we wouldn't have a need for faith. Why would you quit the race because you cant see the finish line? I heard of a story a couple weeks ago of a swimmer that set out to make a new world record. A large amount of swimming distance and she quit less than a few miles of the record, not knowing she was only a few miles because she couldn't see it when the fog set in (She later went on to complete a second time) but she quit after all that training, all that time, all that work because she didn't see the end and it was just a touch away. You and I both know what its like to travel with children. The complaining, the fighting, the demands, the threats, the defying behavior, the testing....as a leader heading an army of soldiers, Joshua's patience had to be thin by at least the second day. I probably would have attacked my own army, In fact I know I would have because I do (my kids, work, marriage). I'm so busy being mad, confused and frustrated at my purpose, plan and getting by day to day just making it that when things don't go the way I think they should or when they should... I attack. Satan knows I'm a soldier of God and if he can keep my stumbling and falling, crashing my head on high walls and locked gates, I will never open my eyes to see over the walls. Joshua witnessed all that with the Israelites and Moses, so he already knew. He also witnessed many provisions and promises met by God through Moses' leadership, faith and obedience to God. He still had to have endured test himself, yet he honored God through faith and obedience.
Moses felt incapable of being used by God and so did Joseph, but God chose them to lead His people and he has chosen us as well. The battle of Jericho was won with the leadership of Joshua who was obedient to God. If you keep reading the next battle after didn't have the same turnout when one man decided not to obey and it cost many men their lives and the overall battle. Sometimes we win life battles with faith and obedience and sometimes they turn into catastrophe when we take matters into our own hands and don't wait for instruction or obey God. We either think something isn't happening and try to make it happen, or believe its not happening fast enough so instead of waiting to the seventh day to finish out the command, we stop at six just before the miracle. If Joseph took his focus off of God and took matters into his own hands, the ending would not be the same. The same goes for me (us)....we cant win the battle if we take the focus off of Gods plan and do things ourselves. We have to learn to obey all the time.... not just when things are going smooth and on our timeline, but even when days one through six seem to be a complete waste of time and the task is to walk around when were ready to draw our swords and fight. When God makes promises, he fulfills them. It is our job to be patient and follow in obedience. He who begins a good work in you, will finish it (Phil 1:6).
I love a missionaries heart because God says "GO" and they go. They don't know where they are going, how they are going to get there or what they will be doing....but they go and "All things work together for the glory of God for those who love him" (Rom 8:28). It is in his glory that we are to lead battles because we are his soldiers. Did you ever wonder why we have been through so many battles? How many have you lost and how many have you won? What did you do differently from the wins vs the losses? I wonder how many of those battles were brought on by ourselves that were extra warfare because we gave up on day six of the last battle so we endured more brought on by ourselves that were really not ours to carry on in the first place. Have you ever wondered what the lesson God was trying to teach you and if you look back on them now do you see them with clarity? I'm guessing from experience there was not much clarity when you went through the battle and that is where faith is born. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen (Heb 11:1). Were all missionaries and we all have an assignment. I need to let go of knowing the details and start the assignment and/or next battle by walking. Walking with God in his word and building the relationship needed to understand command to be able to follow through. The only way to walk again at this point is for me to get up off the ground, stand up, dust myself off, gain my balance and put one foot in front of the other. I cant nor do I want to do this life without God in everything I do.
Lord, renew my strength and broken spirit so that I can stand and walk upright again to continue through the battles as your obedient and faithful servant/soldier so that your purpose will prevail. I don't want to give up on the sixth day before the miracle. Open my new eyes and ears so I can focus and see/hear you in all of this chaos. Help me to see over the wall and not be looking or dwelling at the locked gates and opportunities that weren't for me to begin with. Amen.
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