On the search to seeking Gods will

"Life can only be understood backwards but it must be lived forwards", I read this from a friends post a few months ago, but I just cant get it off my mind. My step mom teased me in January for my birthday telling me I was now middle aged (35), let me just say I physically feel it. Replacing roofs and laying floors just don't do my back, shoulders, knees and hands very well anymore. I remember teasing my grandma growing up as she held her butt (hips) and ooooh'ed and awww'ed as she walked, isn't it funny how the nerves hit me in the same place getting out of my car. I just cant help but giggle every time even though Im in real agonizing pain. Maybe I am middle aged as I find a lot of my time rethinking my first half of life. I feel stuck in a place of resentment for all my failures and bad choices. I flew to Florida this weekend and read "Becoming Myself" by Stasi Eldredge. It pointed out many truths, but also I learned that Im not alone on some of t...

For months I have been lost on my call to missions. I have felt the calling to missions since I was 13 years old. Yes, I have only been pursuing God the last 4 1/2 years; however, I was actually saved at 13 years old but didn't walk the walk.... in fact I ran very fast the opposite direction. I was physically present to everything I could be apart of simply to get out of my house. I remember when missionaries came to speak and with all of my mind and heart consumed, I just heard it all so clearly that it would be me. I spent a good 15 years running away from it, but I slowly jogged back. I have some family members that built and ran an orphanage in Brazil and I just knew that's where Id be. Imagine my surprise when I rededicated my life and the first mission trip offered was Brazil it was just my sign from God (I was serious then, but chuckling now). We so often misinterpret "signs from God" but to stay focused, ok moving on lol. I found out I was pregnant about the t...

This picture above couldn't be more true. Arent we all broken or at least chipped from past experiences and life? At what point do we embrace our brokenness and use it for a better future whether it be from what we learned, to what can we prevent or who can we help. Christine Caine writes in her book "Unstoppable" that "When our broken pieces are offered to God, he mulitplies them for HIS purpose" The bible tells us "all things work together for the good". We live in a broken world and with that comes broken people. Sometimes (not always) our expectations of people are too high. We put them on pedestools or label them based on a title and really they are just people and face it we all make mistakes. 2014 has not been my best year but its not anyones fault or because of any reason other than I dropped my commitments to make God number one. I put other things and people in the number one spot and as Ive told you before, I lose my balance if the numb...

I know what I have written the last year has been like a Psalm pouring out my inner heart and cries, but at some point things have to turn around. I cant live in this place of paralyzing depression ( Im starting to feel like a Taylor Swift blog). My kids deserve more and I need to get over myself and take up my cross. My 11 year old son is having trouble at school with another boy over a girl. His dad and I have taken the approach to him that the girl is not worth him if she cant decide who she wants to be with. He deserves someone who chooses him, not someone he has to fight for and convince. This other boy has been bullying him with his cell phone and at school in the cafeteria at lunch and so on. My heart breaks for him that hes going through this over a girl and in the 5th grade. I see how young and honest and pure his heart is and it crushes me that at this age hes struggling with this. He has so much life to live and this boy and girl are consuming him and valuing his se...

I had this title reserved in August and named it "Scattered" as I wanted to write about how people are moving all the time and have brief encounters with people each and every minute of the day. I wanted to write about the divine appointments God sets up for us yet how many opportunities we miss because we are too busy focusing on ourselves, our routines and our lives. It came to me as I was in the airport that all those people under one roof, one plane and then scatter around the world in just a matter of minutes or hours. I am one of those people that always look for the "whys".  I tend to look for the sign or message in everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) to the point of being over analytical trying to make things match up. Its not the best trait to have, but it has saved me many times from a wrong path. People come and go for seasons in our lives. I have a hard time warming up and a hard time letting go especially without the "whys" leaving me shatter...

Its been a year since Ive been on my own and the emotions have been up and down. When I first moved out I was basically pumped with adrenaline of the move, taking care of business and busy recreating an environment for the kids so they weren't missing out. (I tried) but the kids suffered so much worse than I ever imagined. I went and still go through moments of guilt for turning their worlds upside down. I began to enjoy the times they went to their dads as I began to take that time to have quiet, spa and  recoop time. My house was clean a couple days out of the month and I was all put together enjoying life but at some point during the  year I became very lonely as my friends that were around from the beginning began to go back to their own lives. I was at a point that I began to mourn and just couldn't handle being by myself. I haven't been alone in the last 17 years and I had to finally face myself and own up to my own issues. The grass is not always greener...

Its been awhile since Ive written and I have bottled so much of what has been going on and even though I know its not healthy, I always teeter with the idea of what should be public even though I consider this a journey. I haven't shared much of my journey in Jamaica and Id love to show all the photos but have restrictions on the ones with people in them particularly the children in orphanages for safety and protection. This was the second trip I have ever taken by myself without knowing anyone I went with. I drove 5 hours to Kansas City to join another handful of a group then later joined another group from Virginia making us a big group of about 29. I always find it interesting to watch the dynamics of each person from the beginning of the trip to the life long friendships and tears departing at the end of the trip and this one was no exception. I had a lot of down time and my head and heart have been spinning since. One of the youngest girls around 2 or 3 years of age was at th...