Mission bound

For months I have been lost on my call to missions. I have felt the calling to missions since I was 13 years old. Yes, I have only been pursuing God the last 4 1/2 years; however, I was actually saved at 13 years old but didn't walk the walk.... in fact I ran very fast the opposite direction. I was physically present to everything I could be apart of simply to get out of my house. I remember when missionaries came to speak and with all of my mind and heart consumed, I just heard it all so clearly that it would be me. I spent a good 15 years running away from it, but I slowly jogged back. I have some family members that built and ran an orphanage in Brazil and I just knew that's where Id be. Imagine my surprise when I rededicated my life and the first mission trip offered was Brazil it was just my sign from God (I was serious then, but chuckling now). We so often misinterpret "signs from God" but to stay focused, ok moving on lol. I found out I was pregnant about the time I needed to get my shots for the trip and they weren't good for pregnant women not to mention I am a horrible pregnant person and traveling internationally seemed more like a death threat so I cancelled. I did lose the baby and other trips presented themselves at later dates. I signed up next for Haiti not knowing anyone on the trip, I made the plunge and went. I have made the most beautiful friendships from that trip, it is clear God had a better plan. I went on to Thailand, Africa, Haiti again, New York, Alabama, Kansas City and Jamaica. Im not telling you this to brag or to get a gold star. I majorly struggled on every trip. Ive had to overcome rebellion, control, obedience, faith. Ive been challenged with respect, self control, finances, fears, personal challenges and struggles. Ive had to be outside my comfort zone and let me tell you that Im not talking the environments that was the easiest part. The people either there or on my team have been my biggest struggle. I have had a lot of issues, but I have learned so much from every trip. I'm a very good work team member but not so good as a social butterfly. I'm relationally challenged altogether not just missions. There is a light inside of me when I'm on a trip and I'm in the most peaceful place internally it just feels so natural. I could have been left in all those places working for all those ministries and would have felt like I lived a life worth living. It's magical. In the last year all the trip opportunities have fallen apart and Ive been so discouraged that maybe God didn't call me to missions. I know we are all missionaries each and every day, but I have a heart dedicating my life to missions and the opportunities keep crumbling. I later learned the true experience about that first Brazil mission trip that I missed. The truth is that it was on a boat on the Amazon river. Extreme bugs and heat (I get sick overheating). I learned that the boat couldn't get to where it was supposed to because of weather or water circumstances so the location changed and that in that culture women were not to labor physically (why I signed up) but to work in kitchen, community and with kids ( I was totally against at the time). I learned that they ate soup with fish heads as a custom ( I cannot eat fish or anything related) and that the team got food poisoning and were sick from both open ends on the boat during that duration. Here is my point: If I had experienced that as my first mission trip, I would have never gone on another mission trip again, but I was cancelled. Every trip I have taken awakens a new spirit and sense within me. I learn, I grow. My concern is that I don't attach. Everyone else seems to attach but Im not attaching to the people and I feel I need to. I have been so task oriented that I forget the very mission of walking the walk. I know we all have our gifts, talents, strengths and weakness' but Im missing the message. As I was told Belize was cancelled this year, I began looking for other opportunities. All the doors seemed closed and I have been reevaluating and trying to discern the right path. I talked to a friend that suggested maybe the door is closed and that I should look elsewhere for opportunities to serve. I just couldn't let it go. I felt a nudge for Honduras on a site I read and literally out loud laughed with a "yea right" "I would never want to go to Honduras" then it came to me...its not about where I want to go or what I want to do. A month later I was driving to work and I heard in my spirit "What about Honduras" again I laughed out loud with a "yea right". Later that day I listened to a podcast from one of my local churches who introduced that they were opening up 2015 missions the deadline was exactly that day I chose to listen and the first trip heading out to (drumroll please)......you guessed it Honduras. I almost fell out of my chair at work. Then I was freaked out, then I was like well....Obedience. A sign right? I put in the application thinking well if they don't pick me at least I did my part in obedience and Ill be covered. The problem is my heart was in the wrong place then I was convicted and felt guilty. Needless to say I was not selected and after apologizing to God, I actually felt disappointed that I wasn't selected. I wasn't going and had nothing on my calendar for 2015. Maybe the friend was right, so back to my knees. I ask a missionary friend of mine to call and talk maybe to gain perspective or some clarity and I was forgotten (oops). In my mind "a sign of closed door", In Gods plan, he wasn't finished. The next day, I received an email from a ministry letting me know they had two teams that joined for Belize that I could join in the same month I had blocked out before (July) and I already have an airline ticket credit for $800.00 that has to be used before August or I lose it. Looked up airfare today $775.00 so the credit covers it and I pay nothing out of pocket....sign? Lol or provision. Every trip happened with the right team, at the right time in the right places for God to work. I have learned so much and each trip means so much to me. I am looking for a place that I can connect and grow and fund but just haven't yet. I am thankful for the opportunities I have had and even though Im ashamed of my attitude on a few they were stepping stones for me to grow and mature and I truly am thankful for them. So Belize it is, July 2015. I even have word of a possible Brazil trip next year (I think it is a sign, haha). We will discuss all those "signs" at a later time. Lord, open my eyes and my heart. Set a fire down in my soul that I can't control and that I can't contain, I want more of you God.