On the search to seeking Gods will

Its been a year since Ive been on my own and the emotions have been up and down. When I first moved out I was basically pumped with adrenaline of the move, taking care of business and busy recreating an environment for the kids so they weren't missing out. (I tried) but the kids suffered so much worse than I ever imagined. I went and still go through moments of guilt for turning their worlds upside down. I began to enjoy the times they went to their dads as I began to take that time to have quiet, spa and  recoop time. My house was clean a couple days out of the month and I was all put together enjoying life but at some point during the  year I became very lonely as my friends that were around from the beginning began to go back to their own lives. I was at a point that I began to mourn and just couldn't handle being by myself. I haven't been alone in the last 17 years and I had to finally face myself and own up to my own issues. The grass is not always greener...

Its been awhile since Ive written and I have bottled so much of what has been going on and even though I know its not healthy, I always teeter with the idea of what should be public even though I consider this a journey. I haven't shared much of my journey in Jamaica and Id love to show all the photos but have restrictions on the ones with people in them particularly the children in orphanages for safety and protection. This was the second trip I have ever taken by myself without knowing anyone I went with. I drove 5 hours to Kansas City to join another handful of a group then later joined another group from Virginia making us a big group of about 29. I always find it interesting to watch the dynamics of each person from the beginning of the trip to the life long friendships and tears departing at the end of the trip and this one was no exception. I had a lot of down time and my head and heart have been spinning since. One of the youngest girls around 2 or 3 years of age was at th...

I attend and follow several churches, but have three main services that I attend or watch weekly. It is rare that all three messages would have me in tears and over all different messages, but this week was one that weakened everything I had in me. Last week two of the messages were exactly the same from the same context and all, I knew at that point the spirit was speaking and have been open and receptive since. I have spent a lot of years wondering what my gifts and talents are and how I could use them. I just assumed that my giving heart and actual work traits were the gifts, but Im just not so sure that is where it begins and ends. I know that speaking in tongues is a gift and not everyone has it, but never knew what I could do with it other than freak people out so I keep it hidden hoping to not stray anyone close to me away from church because of my "weirdness". Last Sunday as I sat in the pew, I found myself praying for everyone there in the service. I also realized th...

Two months...its been two months since I have written as Im pretty sure baseball season has completely taken over my life. Not one, but two in baseball as well as one in soccer has made for a very eventful few months. I have also been riding the fence with my life and dealing with the inner spirit of knowing right from wrong. I know the grace and mercy that God is, but that doesn't make living as you please ok. I have been out of the normal church routine for about six months as the weather and depression played a big part with sports activities. I am not missing the word as I have learned to watch online and listen to the podcast as well as hold out my tithe checks. I thought as long as I heard the word, Id be on track and not missing anything. I was wrong. Im thankful for the opportunity to log in and watch or listen, but there is a piece of me missing from not being in the same worship and relationship with people..... you know the warm faces that hug m...

Ezekiel 36:26-27 "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you. I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws" I have spent my entire life feeling like I was never going to make it as a "church" person because I simply just cant seem to get a grip on the history, knowledge and understanding of scriptures. I have tried to memorize and study and it just doesn't stick leaving me feeling defeated and not good enough. After hearing a message from the author "The Artisan Soul", I have been refreshed and renewed. I read word for word in the book the questions that have hindered myself since I became renewed in Christ. The truth is I have many friends I grew up with that know word for word, story by story of the bible and every history point there is to make from the bible college studies they went to. I don't have that ...

I remember learning in school about the word entrepreneur. I learned that an entrepreneur is a visionary. I have always been a visionary and still am, but Im wondering at this point if my expectations are too high or I live in lala land thinking there is something else for me. I am always thinking, always creating and always planning but at what point do I start living those and make a legacy rather than dream about them? I feel like Im lacking substance. I have ideas of how my life will be but Im living it totally different, is it because I see the future or Im just wishin? There comes a point that you stay a visionary always having great ideas, but never see or follow them through and I think Im stuck there, but if I died tomorrow what would my legacy be? I start a lot of things but finish little. I get bored so easily and then Im looking for the next thing and moving on to the next idea. God had a purpose for me before I was even born so why do I feel like Im just going thr...

It has been three years since I have chosen to live my life differently. I have had every emotion, feeling and action I could ever imagine possible. I have been on fire for God with a passion so deep it drove me and I have been in states of low depression to where I have questioned my existence and the what if I just ended my life. I am bi polar and some of it just comes with the territory, but I am also in a battle between God and Satan. I have learned so much about myself these last three years and who I am. All the matters at this point is who God says I am. I have spent my time learning about obedience and fighting to change my rebellious spirit. I have always chosen to go the opposite of whatever everyone else was doing. I am not in the trend, the in crowd or a follower, in fact majority of my life I would go out of my way to do the opposite of what was expected of me just to prove I was different and stand out. This practice has caused me some heartache through the ...