On the search to seeking Gods will

The dictionary defines "leader" as a noun stating 1. The person who leads or commands a group, organization, or country 2. A person followed by others......but what really does that mean? We hear people use the expression "natural born leader" is that the same a charisma (people attracted to you or your demeanor). I just got back from a short mission trip in New York and when we got there, they told us we were the leaders and missionaries, whoa really? I mean I get the missionary part but a leader? I just came with a team to go with the flow and be flexible with an open heart as I have been learning throughout my mission experiences and now Im a leader....yikes, I didnt plan for that one. I honestly just felt like one of the women in the home only a few steps ahead of them. We worked with teen challenge program, which is a ministry that is a 14 month addiction recovery program and signing up for the trip, I thought these are my people, I can relate to them because I...

I'm excited more and more about learning the differences between religion and relationship. I know I've talked about it before, but with actually embracing it a bondage is broken and joy is restored. I have mentioned many times before where I felt the church and/or Christian people had let me down and crushed my spirits. I put church leaders on pedestals as if they were the untouchables and really honestly idols. I wanted to be them, and watched what I said acting in my best behavior because if I was myself then they would know I don't belong. That was a lie from devil himself! We are wanted and loved. We are children of God and although for some of us who were abused in any way growing up we felt we were a burden to our parents and thought they regretted having us because we're always in the way or causing a problem. We put on our best behavior trying to make them happy to gain approval and yet were left feeling unworthy, so we behave with different personalities tryin...

I started this blog a year ago even titling it "on the search to seeking Gods will", what I have since learned from scripture is that it is not Gods will or favor I should be seeking, but God himself. The word says, "we will find him when we seek him with all our hearts". Through devotion, services and books I thought I was seeking God, but as I reflect I think even though I was growing and learning, I was not actively pursuing God, but trying to find his favor and fulfill his will. Of course, not intentionally but immaturely. I have been trying to figure out how I could actively seek God without looking for favor or will, I have to be honest Im struggling. I know that to do that I must read his word and that alone is a challenge. I know God speaks to me in quiet times usually in the morning waking up and through the books I read, but I have to say reading books is learning from other people and their perspectives which is uplifting, however its not Gods word st...

I pray for God to show me signs along the way of his will about things, but then it seems I am always looking for things to be warm, fuzzy and comfortable. The truth is if things are from God.... then they are probably waaaaay outside my comfort zone. "yea God, Ill do your will as long as Im in control and feel comfortable" is what comes in mind. My thinking has been Ive been training in life for bigger things to come so Ill be ready when God calls me. The truth is...I just know how to do a lot of things and chances are when God calls me it will be something out of my control and comfort zone because he is God. How can I glorify him if I treat him like a bench warmer. "Just stay there God on the bench and watch my life "the game" and if I need you, then I know you are right there waiting". It doesn't really work that way, does it? Furthermore, as I said before in a post not too long ago, God has already called on us as his children so waiting for the c...

I have been so busy this month that I haven't had time to clear my heart or mind. Usually when I have something on my mind, it comes and goes and sometimes once blogged out it has a way of giving me peace and I move forward, but this is something that has been weighing on my heart for awhile and finding the right words isn't coming easy. I thought maybe if I just went ahead and typed it out even if I don't publish, I can at least rest my mind and heart. The question, "what is love" has been knocking at my heart for while. I know this isn't the first time I have wandered in this direction, but as I watch couples my interest and curiosity just makes me wonder even more. Recently, I have read many people wishing "the love of their lives" a happy birthday or anniversary. I cant help but notice these aren't newlyweds so clearly not honeymoon talk, but couples that are around 20 years plus in their relationship. I find it consuming because I have never...

They say first impressions are the most important and I never really cared about what people thought of me until this point in my life. I have my goals set on opportunities to grow my passion for real estate, teaching and also missions. I have always worked hard at meeting the requirements it took to get "the prize" but always disappointed when Im not considered for these opportunities. I have always focused so hard on doing what it takes and loving to win the "competitions" and although I never compromised my reputation, character or integrity, I never recognized that my behavior and attitude was working against me. Im not proud of the way I behaved from ages 16-30 and even a few episodes after but it is true when I say I am not the same person as I was. There are many people that see a change in me and to be honest some that don't including my own family which is devastating in itself but I can only be responsible for that by my actions. I hate that when peopl...

I get a lot of compliments about the things I do and how good I am at them. To me Im just doing what I can and thought I was a hard worker and an overachiever, but people seem to think there isnt anything I cant do. I cant draw or cut a straight line or circle, I know that for a fact. But kidding aside, I just had a car conversation and therapy session with myself and I learned something new about myself last week. I already knew I had a fear (obsession really) of failure. I know it came from trying to please my military unrealistic parents from a small age when all I was told is how I could have done better and anything I did could have been better. It instilled me to work harder and harder hoping that one day I would please my parents and at 15 when I just couldnt please them, my friends or keep a boyfriend that I proceeded a few avenues of taking my own life. When my step mom told me not to ruin her new white carpet when I died so she didnt have a mess to clean, was the moment t...